Mooky!

Ross Kemp On Cheese

2006-11-10T15:18:00.000Z

He’s successfully married David Attenborough’s rasping exuberance to Jeremy Clarkson’s know-all inflection… His pregnant pauses ooze spunk…

This is a man who knows his gangs. If there’s a gang, Ross knows about it. Why? Because he’s ‘on’ gangs. That’s just what he ‘does’. Ross Kemp in ‘on’ gangs just as cheese is ‘on’ crackers.

And Ross Kemp is ‘on’ cheese too. Ross gangs is ‘on’ Kemp, ‘on’ gangs, ‘on’ Ross AND ‘on’ Cheese gangs. If you haven’t seen him ‘piece to camera’ his way through this life affirming documentary, you are depriving your SOUL. ‘Gangs on Ross on Cheese’ IS sex rubbed in liquid serotonin and drizzled over warm cheese.

The Kids Are Alright

2006-07-31T10:15:00.000+01:00

According to a new survey of Britain's young people. Although seeing as a third of them would've been pissed or drugged up at the time, it's not surprising they seemed relaxed. Apparently 33% of the little bastards spend their school days blissfully off their faces.

The survey was commissioned by MTV, which has always been a bastion of proper moral conduct among the young, and 1118 young men and women were asked their opinions about stuff. So thanks to them we now know that about half of 16 to 19 year olds are also up to their eyes in debt and think the death sentence should be brought back for 'serious crimes'. Presumably 'serious' discounts any of the crap they'll be pulling at the moment or in the near future.

Ironically in spite of being out of their trees on cocktails of booze, drugs and household cleaning products the kids still expect to live to 82 years of age. And the permanent illegal substance induced haze did little to limit the boys' prejudice either. 60% still feel 'uncomfortable' with same sex marriages. 'Uncomfortable' is presumably MTV's word. 'Sickening', 'disgusting', 'it's just wrong, innit' were more likely the boys' answers. But its not all bad news. With 65% labelling reality TV stars as desperate perhaps there's hope for the little fuckers yet.

Dodgy Beans Cost Tescos £25K

2006-07-21T09:28:00.000+01:00

Supermarket giant Tescos has been successfully sued by 8 people it poisoned with some dodgy cafe breakfasts. 6 of the munchers were punters while the other 2 were staff sneaking a free meal.

Tests showed the breakfasts contained cleaning products used to wash the pans the food was prepared in. According to one victim the first couple of mouthfuls caused a burning sensation almost straightaway. Whether this stopped the individual eating the rest of their breakfast is not known. Other symptoms included severe vomiting, diarrhoea and mouth ulcers.

Herefordshire Magistrates court ruled in favour of the injured parties awarding £10,000 compensation and £15,000 costs. A total amount that will no doubt cripple the chain financially.

The poisoning took place at Tescos store in Belmont, Herefordshire. Knowing the area well this reporter can picture the customers all too vividly. The supermarket is a short waddle from the wannabe city's Newton Farm - an area dominated by council estates. The ruling no doubt motivated the plaintiffs to buy a carton of filtered cigarettes, a couple of bottles of Cava and pick up some brochures from Going Places.

The money will no doubt be used to inflict more pain on the Spanish as whole families of catastrophic proportions head for ten days in the sun. Cue fat sunburnt scum parading around in union jack emblazoned clothes, patronising locals, drinking copious amounts, screaming at off-spring and complaining about the lack of english cuisine.

I bought a toaster from Tescos once. It caused a fire in my house, gutted the kitchen and living room and nearly killed my girlfriend. And what did I get? Fuck all! Tell me, where's the justice in that?

Bush Likes Blair's Sweater

2006-07-17T17:52:00.000+01:00

US President George Bush and UK Prime Minister Tony Blair had more important things than Israel and ending poverty to discuss at the G8 summit in Petersburg today. The two men, who are well known for their 'special friendship', were instead taking the opportunity to catch up.

George enthusiastically shouted out "Yo, Blair!" across the room when Tony arrived before gesturing wildly for his friend to come and sit next to him. "I saved you a seat, buddy!"

No sooner had Tony settled himself down than George revealed he couldn't really be bothered with the whole summit thing. Smirking he turned to his mate and said he would keep his speech short. "Some of these guys talk too long. Gotta go home. Got something to do tonight."

"Yeah," Tony replied. "My speech is going to take... one minute... if that... I didn't even bother doing one."
Bush seemed mildly impressed by Tony's bravado. And as the other ministers addressed their fellow world leaders the two spent most of the time making each other laugh, drawing cartoons of the other delegates and smirking about rude words like fanny. Bush was also reported to have cleared his throat constantly throughout one of the other delegate's addresses while Blair was said to be coughing 'wanker' on several occasions. As the day wore on though the two settled down to talk about more serious matters.

"Thanks for the sweater. It was awfully thoughtful of you," Bush stuttered.
"It's a pleasure," Blair replied turning a little red and wringing his hands together.
"I know you picked it out yourself," George said staring at his feet.
"Oh... absolutely," Tony said.

At this point it seemed the two might become even closer, but the Russian Premier Putin who had been eavesdropping the whole time burst out laughing.

"That guy is so dead," George said angrily. "You're so dead, you commie scum!"
"Yeah," Blair added. "Nuke his arse, Georgie!"

When asked later what the best way to end the hostilities between Lebanon and Israel was however, Bush showed that he was still the articulate statesman we know him to be: "You see, the... thing is what they need to do is to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over."

Allegations that Blair and Bush were later seen urinating and gobbing into Putin's soup remain unfounded.

Materazzi Probably A Big Racist

2006-07-10T20:25:00.000+01:00

So, what did Italian defender Materazzi say to football God Zidane to make him charge headfirst into his chest? Well, French anti-racism group SOS Racism had the following to say:

"According to several very well informed sources from the world of football, it would seem that the Italian player Marco Materazzi called Zinedine Zidane a 'dirty terrorist'."

And what does Materazzi have to say? "It is absolutely not true, I did not call him a terrorist. I'm ignorant. I don't even know what the word means."

It’s a tricky one. I want to believe Materazzi, but unless he’s been locked in a bunker for the last 5 years I find it hard to believe he hasn’t heard the word “terrorist” before. A bit of digging also brings to the surface an incident which took place last year, one which perhaps indicates that the Inter Milan defender isn't exactly chomping at the bit to stamp out racism.

On November 29th, Inter Milan played Messina in Sicily. After an hour of deafening racist abuse from opposition fans, Messina defender Marc Zoro (from the Ivory Coast) had had enough. He picked up the ball and made towards the officials. Inter players Adriano and Obafemi Martins ran over to intercept him and according to Zoro were “very kind”, telling him “not to let it provoke” him. One player was less helpful...

Materazzi allegedly shouted: “stop that, Zoro, you’re just trying to make a name for yourself”. Zoro “didn’t... argue with him” saying “I’ve no intention of lowering myself to that level.”

Bearing in mind that these pictures also make him look a bit racist, I think it's fair to conclude that he's a big turd. As such Materazzi should be punished. Suggestions welcome. Something involving his chest, a tireless man with a bionic head... and maybe an ice pick would be good.

Two Chuds Set To Stay

2006-07-07T11:30:00.000+01:00

John Two Chuds Chuddy Prescott announced he is determined to hold on to his 'job' today in spite of the fact that everyone in the country wants him out and all the other politicians hate him. Latest calls for his resignation came after he was accused of acting inappropriately by hanging out with billionaire cowboy Philip Anschutz at his ranch in America. The US businessman wants to buy the millenium dome and turn it into a casino. Allegations that Phil took Two Chuds to a titty bar and fed him whole barbequed cows have not been founded.

In spite of this recent negative publicity us folk at mooky.net continue to offer the part-time Deputy PM our full support. Any politician who physically assualts the electorate; clearly enjoys fine dining and binge drinking; bangs his secretary in his office; and generally pisses about playing croquet when he should be working, gets our vote. With an obscene salary, license to do what he wants and when, a house as fat as he is and a whole department he can send out for ale, pies and ale pies what's the incentive is there for old Two Chuds to quit anyway?

Fortunately Prime Minister Tony Blair doesn't give a chud about the democratic process or what the public want. After all, it's not like they elected him to office. At least the majority of the population didn't! So thankfully Two Chuds is holding on to his job. Without him this country would be in a sorry state. Luckily it seems nothing will get him out though. Not even a Conservative win at the next election! The tories would probably just work around him. So until he dies, old fatty fatty Two Chuds is here to stay. Hooray!

Albino Police Horse Can't Sunbathe

2006-07-05T07:28:00.000+01:00

Humberside police horse Blue is reported to be very upset this morning after senior officers ordered him to stop sunbathing. Blue is an albino and unable to enjoy the recent heatwave like fellow police horses for fear he will be reduced to a pile of ashes by the unrelenting power of the sun. Indeed Blue can't even step out of his stable to chase criminals before he's had 30 bottles of sun tan lotion slapped on him.

A number of fellow officers have been criticised for being mean to Blue. They nicknamed the horse 'Sunny' - a blatant mockery of his freak condition. But in spite of other officers being concerned about his condition Humberside police weren't arsed enough to blow tax payers' cash on Blue's sun tan lotion. Instead they posted an appeal on their website and waited until they got 50 gallons off a local chemist's for free.

"We have been so worried about Sunny, especially now the temperature is soaring," lied PC Claire Doherty of Humberside Mounted Police, as she reclined on a sun lounger soaking up the rays and enjoying a cocktail.

When we finally caught up with Blue covered in congealed sun tan lotion and trying to stay in the shadows of his stable like a frightened vampire, he had a very different story to tell:

"I haven't seen all of the sun tan lotion," he told us. "Some of the other officers have been helping themselves to it, I'm sure. Which is just wrong. Its like taking medicine from a sick person."

Blue then burst into tears and muttered something about how he wished he'd been born normal like the other horses. We gave him a couple of sugar cubes and left him to his self-indulgent snivelling before peeling off and getting a bit of sun on our corpse white bodies.

Bears Love The Sunshine State

2006-06-30T15:47:00.000+01:00

Bears have been flocking to California in their thousands, according to someone there who might know. Apparently the bear population is at all time high. Some experts argue competitive house prices, growing local job market and all year round good weather have been key factors in attracting the grizzlies. Patrick Foy, biologist and spokesman for the California Department of Fish and Game, spends most of his day staring at the new arrivals much to their annoyance. Patrick believes "Recent years have created better bear habitat."

But not every Californian is over the moon about their new neighbours. Debbie Yates is one deeply disgruntled local who recently experienced a less than pleasant run-in with one of the out of town bears. Debbie had been on her way out when she heard commotion in the kitchen. At first she thought it was the family cats twatting stuff off the kitchen counter. Debbie was getting ready to teach the pets a lesson they wouldn't forget when she received the shock of a lifetime.

"I came around the corner and into the kitchen and instead of seeing two cats on the counter I saw a big, brown bear, a third of the way coming in through the kitchen window," Debbie recalled as she relived the fearful nightmare. Apparently the bear was wearing a face-mask and carrying a sports bag, presumably to stash any valuables in. Debbie had no doubt the bear had come to rob her family's home, but in spite of her fear she didn't hesitate to tackle the intruder. "My instincts kicked in and I raised my hands and yelled, 'Get out! Get out!' And lucky for me, it did!"

Although many of the bears are believed to be peaceful, law abiding citizens there is a growing undercurrent of ill-feeling amongst native Californians. Increasingly bears are associated with 21st century street crimes involving drugs, guns, crack, whores, crack-whores and property. Many Californians are convinced that within a couple of years the pleasant neighbourhoods they have come to call home will become bear ghettos, where ordinary decent people fear to go.

Pissed Pelicans Picked Up

2006-06-30T15:26:00.000+01:00

Residents of Laguna Beach, Los Angeles, were left reeling after four drunk pelicans wreaked havoc at the coastal resort. The birds had been drinking heavily on the beach from about eleven o'clock Saturday morning, but were forced to head into town when the booze ran out. As they staggered through the traffic, reeling from one lane to the next, one of the four crashed headlong into a car, smashing the vehicle's windscreen. One onlooker said the three other pelicans were all over the place and seemed oblivious that they had left one of their own behind.

The incident with the car spurred assistant wildlife director Lisa Birkle to issue a warning to the public to be on the lookout for birds acting "drunk, disoriented or being in an unusual place." A number of birds who had been getting pissed in a more socially acceptable way were frog-marched to the local police station, but the pelicans in question remained at large. It was not until the early hours of Sunday morning when the pelicans were eventually tracked down. The birds were found trying to buy kebabs, still extremely drunk.

They were taken down town and thrown into a cell where they were left to dry out. Speaking to them the morning after, the pelicans remained adamant they had done nothing wrong. "America used to be a great nation," the least hungover bird told us. "But Bush has turned it into some sort of police state. I'd like to know what's so wrong with a working bird and some of his pals knocking back a few drinks, anyways..."

We did point out that the pelican who crashed into the car had shaken the driver up pretty badly, but only received a garbled reply about "what the guy could do with his car" before being asked if we had anything to drink on us. The pelican who had crashed into the car suffered internal injuries and a gash to his beak. It is not yet known if the pelicans will be formally charged or not.

Pool Not Cool In Uganda

2006-06-28T00:06:00.000+01:00

Kampala to be precise. It’s now illegal to play pool during the day in Uganda’s capital city. The metropolitan chief of police Grace Turyagumanawe claimed that the game has become inextricably linked with young delinquents drinking ‘illegal spirits’ and smoking 'drugs'. She told Ugandan national The Daily Monitor that: "They also use this as a meeting place to make plans of robbing people of their property at night… We are not banning the sport, but we are stopping people from playing it during the day."

I can definitely see the logic. Pool tables must be brilliant criminal rendezvous points. For one thing they're easy to hide under; they're also impossible to see near trees. The next logical step would be to ban toilets. All criminals use them, I've seen it myself. Perhaps they could ban people as well, they're always up to no good.

Mooky Joke Of The Day

2006-06-23T14:42:00.000+01:00

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art. There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire" and, over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren. All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book. "Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father'?"

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?".

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says, "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls.

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

One in Four Parents Are Thieves

2006-06-21T16:44:00.000+01:00

In a survey of nearly 400 parents of children under the age of 17, it was found that one in four steal money from their children. The survey, by Bankwest in Australia, also found that 20% of child thieves use the money to pay for utility bills. An astonishing 16% put the money toward a new car or holiday.

"If you can't find any money, you know the one place you can always rely on is the kids' piggy banks,” says Paul Vivian, head of retail deposits for Bankwest. “But my wife always makes sure I put it back - with interest."

I’m sure she does Paul, but then she probably only makes you do that because she knows that she’s twice as likely to steal it back again. Some 35% of mothers steal money from their kids as opposed to just 16% of dads.

You can just picture Mr crack dealer waiting outside the family house for payment, while an 8 year old girl pokes her finger forlornly at what remains of her piggy bank: porcelain and dust. Meanwhile mum and dad are doing lines of coke off the spoiler of their brand new Ferrari, probably enroute to some sort of sex cruise.

Stupid Old Teeth

2006-06-20T00:58:00.000+01:00

A 70 year old German man was arrested after he refused to pay a fine for shoplifting. When police came to take him away he tried to escape through the back door but was quickly caught. Still feeling frisky, the man then began furiously biting at one of the officers. A police spokesman told reporters:

"It looks like he forgot to put his teeth in ... One of our police officers got bitten several times, but the man didn't leave anything but a wet patch."

I've got my own teeth but I still do the other thing.

Goats Fucked

2006-06-20T00:41:00.000+01:00

70 goats were killed by a massive lightning strike in central Bulgaria. They were huddled under a tree when a 'bolt struck, killing all of them'.

"At least the goatherd managed to survive. He was under a different tree" Civil Defence Officer Anastas Iribadzhakov told Reuters.

How did the goat herder know to go to a different tree? Was the goat's tree made of copper and linked up to the national grid? Lonely shepherd, six teated goats, post-wank guilt... I think it all adds up.

Whale Burger & Chips?

2006-06-16T18:21:00.000+01:00

How would like to go to your local fast-food outlet and pick up a whale burger? How about a whale dog? No? Excellent. Young Japanese-ians have embraced the emerging fast-food whale market like flu on chicken. Whale meat has been a traditional Japanese delicacy for hundreds if not thousands of years, but until now the new generation has been turning their noses up at the idea of endangering our amply flippered, mammalian friends. By modernizing the way whale meet is consumed Wada, a restaurant 62 miles southeast of Tokyo, hopes to renew interest in whale cuisine.

Whale burgers are made from the meat of Baird’s Beaked whales and whale dogs come from Minke whale meat. Japan ceased commercial whaling back in 1986 after a great deal of international pressure, but they introduced “scientific whaling” in 1987. Endangered whales are off limits under the scheme, but more numerous species are considered fair game. "I think we could whale more, because the number of whales has now increased to the extent that they are damaging the ecosystem by eating too much fish" says Juichi Matsunaga a patron of the whale restaurant, who probably beats up goats. Wiping off bits of mermaid and a litre or so of whale blood from her harpoon Yuko Takahashi barked: "I thought whale meat was too tough to eat, but actually it's tender and very delicious". She then tripped up a small boy and spat a passing priest.

I’m not convinced; I think if we’re allowed to eat whales, we should also be allowed to do a whole host of other things. For instance maybe it could be ‘ok’ to demand pregnant women relinquish their seats on buses. It could be ‘socially acceptable’ to throw old people to the back of queues on the assumption they’re invariably less busy and might smell a bit. Oooh, I'm having a whale of a time just minking about it.

Nouvelle Riche

2006-06-15T12:03:00.000+01:00

Enterprising toilet paper company Nouvelle is set to become one of the most unlikely businesses to cash in on the birth of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby. The new born, blatantly one of the luckiest people alive and destined to enjoy good looks plus vast wealth and lengthy residential stays at rehab clinics, has been named Shiloh Nouvel. So you can see how the bog paper maker made the leap between AAA-list celebrity baby and tissue used to wipe human shit on. The limited edition arse wipe will show a stork carrying a baby, with the words 'Congratulations Brad and Angelina on the birth'. The name 'Shiloh' will be added above the brand name 'Nouvelle'.

If the news reaches the diamond studded higher echelons just below heaven, where superhumans like Brad and Angelina reside the couple will no doubt be moved to tears by such a wonderful gesture. Millions of Britains everywhere will be able to associate one of the most enjoyable daily past-times of having a really good shit with their new baby. And men who do a really big crap will also be able to empathise with Angelina and other women who have given birth. Although I would love parents like Brad and Angelina, who would ensure that failure in everything is always an option and work is something done by my servants, I would still rather be Madox. Because in a matter of years I could stare at Angelina when she was naked, try and take baths with her, film her and Brad shagging and probably convince her to breast feed me. Plus as there is no blood link like with Shiloh it wouldn't be incest. Everyone's a winner... except Brad who I would have to kill, but make it look like an accident.

Hopefully this brand will only be available in the UK so I can buy a load and sell it to novelty hungry Americans on Ebay. I could make a shit load. It'd be the Pitts if I didn't manage at least a small pile.

Civil Servants Vomit In Cups

2006-06-14T00:59:00.000+01:00

Staff at the Rural Payments Agency in Newcastle are being investigated after a worker complained about 'inappropriate behaviour'. Staff have been vomiting into cups which are then hidden in cupboards. CCTV footage shows others leaping across filing cabinets naked. At least one worker has been dismissed so far and several others are being investigated.

“I am appalled at the level of depravity being tolerated at my workplace” said one witness. “Activities have been caught on official cameras. There is a list of shocking and awful acts in work time, including sex in the toilets. Drug-taking and swearing is rife.”

I’m off to Newcastle tomorrow. I’m not sure about the vomiting in cups, but there’s always flasks. Nudity? Drugs? Sex on government property with government staff? That's almost as vitriolic a statement against "the man" as burning your pants, defecating on ballot papers and growing facial hair all at once.

Beer Cures Everything

2006-06-13T10:43:00.000+01:00

And by everything I mean prostrate cancer. Oregonian researchers have found during lab tests an ingredient in beer that actually helps prevent prostrate cancer. The ingredient is a compound called xanthohumol and it’s found in hops, which is incredibly interesting. However, the real discovery is that it would take about 17 beers a day for subjects to see any benefit.

Dr Richard N. Atkins of the National Prostrate Cancer Coalition said: "It's every man's dream to hear that beer and pizza can prevent cancer… However, the 17 beers and four large pizzas needed to get enough xanthohumol and lycopene to help prevent prostate cancer is unfortunately not advised."

I don’t know why he’s throwing pizzas into the mix, perhaps he thinks he’s funny. Either way, this is surely grounds for some kind of revolution. Just imagine, every decision you make from now on could be based solely on beery whims. You could charge into old ladies that get your way and then burp boozily into their face and there's nothing they could do about it because you're preventing prostate cancer.

Streaker Sells Clothes To Pay Fine

2006-06-13T01:09:00.000+01:00

A streaker has decided to sell her 'streaking bikini' to pay for court costs after she was arrested for exposing herself at a rugby match. Lisa Lewis sprinted onto the pitch in the test between New Zealand and Ireland being held at the Waikato Stadium. She was taken off the pitch by security guards and arrested by police for 'disorderly behaviour'.

Lisa Lewis said she had fulfilled her "lifetime goal" but won't do it again because "the consequences are severe." She went on: "As a result my bikini is up for sale to assist in paying for my court fines and costs. Come on people help me out." The current bid stands at NZ$615. No I don't think we should be rewarding streakers that don't actually streak. That'd be like rewarding Big Issue sellers for not drinking.

Fat People Can't Die

2006-06-13T00:29:00.000+01:00

A 31 stone (440 pound) German took on a car and survived. The 30 year old man was cycling through a crossroads when he braked too suddenly and fell off. He rolled onto the road and was immediately run over by a Volkswagen Polo. Incredibly he emerged from the under the bonnet with only a dislocated hip and 'minor scratches'. The car is said to be 'disgusted'.

German police spokesman Sven-Marco Claus told reporters: "Someone smaller would probably not have been so lucky." Lucky? To have a stone for every year of his life or to roll into oncoming traffic?

I'm not sure how I feel about 31 stone men riding bicycles, I just imagine the overhang causing friction on the road and slowing them down. They should bring back Penny Farthings, that way drivers who can't normally see 31 stone men will be alerted by their abnormally large bicycle. That and the screams as bits of loose stomach get caught in the spokes.

Coffin Up For A Decent Send Off

2006-06-09T16:20:00.000+01:00

Ghanaians know how to give someone a good send off. ‘Fantasy Coffins’ are all the rage and anyone who’s anyone is getting buried in a dead bed that’s shaped like a coke bottle or a chicken. Christoph Miensa Kofi Azornu was buried in a Palm Fruit shaped coffin. His son Ruben explained: "However expensive it is, we feel that is the last way of according him respect." His father harvested palm fruits for a living.

Families have also been known to advertise the time and date of a funeral (with an accompanying picture of the deceased) in Newspapers and on billboards to ensure a good turnout, but it’s the specialised coffin that offers the most prestigious farewell. "If you can't acquire it, you can at least be buried in it," says Kwame Labi, a research fellow at the University of Ghana's Institute of African Studies. Well I haven’t acquired shit so far, so I guess that makes for a rancid but cheap ceremony.

Mayor Of London Gets Given Stuff

2006-06-09T14:12:00.000+01:00

Red Ken has been enjoying all the bourgeoisie perks of socialism. The Tories recently acquired a list of all his ‘gifts’ and ‘hospitalities’. It details a bottomless pit of jewelry, wine, cognac, theatre tickets, exclusive lunches and dinners. He’s also nabbed ‘a bone china tea service (from the Bangladeshi government), a Waterford vase (from the Irish Post), a crystal horse (Mayor of Shanghai) and a Turkish coffee machine. A Harrods hamper was donated by Gulam Noon, two boxes of dates came from the Algerian ambassador, and someone else offered 12 boxes of vitamins.’

Why shouldn’t Ken be allowed to receive pressies from time to time? Any man who can simultaneously introduce a car tax and increase public transport ticket prices should be offered all the bone china in the world. It’s such a shame that he’s insane and sounds like a smug muppet that’s being ‘surprised’ from behind.

Pigs Deliver Chicken

2006-06-07T08:05:00.000+01:00

Alleged part time car thief Barry Chambers was beaming with delight earlier today after police delivered a KFC Bargain Bucket, 2 litre bottle of Pepsi and one cigarette right to him. Chambers, 27, had climbed to the roof of a 3 storey building in Gloucester after a high speed car chase starting in Cheltenham. This is the second time Chambers has resorted to the roofs to evade arrest. Once up there he started lobbing tiles and bricks at the police who chased him. But the pigs called a time out because everyone was quite tired by the day's events.

"We're going down KFC," one of the officers called up to Chambers who was pulling up some guttering. "Do you want owt?"
"Can you get us a bargain bucket?" Chambers called back down.
"And some of thos barbeque beans... oh, and a pepsi."
"Can or bottle?"
"2 litre bottle please... I'm parched. Do you want any money for that?" Chambers replied.
"No, its alright. This one's on the tax payer," the officer replied prompting raucous laughter from his colleagues and the roof top rascal.

The police then went to a drive through to pick up Chambers dinner. The member of staff that served them opted for the Zinger meal deals. The cops hired a cherry picker so they could deliver the meal right to the crim, rather than bothering him with the hassle of coming down and then having to go back up. After the meal the officers then delivered a cigarette to Chambers. "Do you need a light?" the inept pig asked. "Please," Chambers replied. The officer handed over an engraved platinum plated family heirloom lighter, which Chambers 'forgot' wasn't his as he tried to pocket it.

After the meal negotiators tried to talk Chambers down, but everyone was feeling a little drowsy after the meal so it was a half-arsed attempt. As for the people who live under Chambers' roof? "It's not his house," one officer pointed out the bleeding obvious. "The residents are a bit worried. We are in close contact with them." Rumours the residents had to pay for their KFC meals haven't been proven either way. KFC is said to be delighted with the free advertising. "We're thinking of changing our slogan to 'the crims' choice'... something like that," an official spokesman didn't say.

High Speed Cow Chase

2006-06-06T20:10:00.000+01:00

A Japanese cow, NOT Yoko Ono, made a bid for freedom on the way to the slaughterhouse on Sunday. According to Kitabayashi, a local police officer, the 1,606 pound bovine “was startled by a loud sound and just ran off.” 23 police officers chased the cow 3.7 miles in a high speed car chase.

A 56 year old rendering plant worker was knocked unconscious when he tried to help to capture the renegade hamburger. Karma quickly realigned and sent the cow hurtling into a metal fence. Sadly the impact of the crash resulted in its sputtering demise.

Nonchalently brushing cow eyeball off his shirt, Kitabayashi mused "I don't know whether it will be processed into meat or not". Metal infused meat enthusiasts are said to be hopeful. This little incident makes me want to move to Japan immediately, I’d become the most prolific criminal in the east by constantly eluding armies of police with my sophisticated cow beating intellect and fence avoiding skills.

Cops Foil Mariah Legs Thieves

2006-06-05T15:23:00.000+01:00

Thieves plotting to steal Mariah Carey's legs were foiled by police today. Carey, whose legs have just been insured for $1 billion, is said to be relieved. The announcement of the amount the star's legs had been insured for is what triggered the attempted crime in the first place. The thieves had allegedly intended to take the legs from Carey and then ransom them back for half a billion. In the worst case situation they had made contingency plans to just take a bit of thigh or calf, which is still worth several million.

Of course the crime has raised a number of issues that are extremely relevant in today's world of glamour and legs. At the end of the day who would really have been hurt by this crime? Carey, who is predominantly made from plastic and jelly, would probably have been oblivious to the whole thing. Her business people would've made sure she got the insurance cash as well. So would the insurance company have been the real victim? Well, if so, who gives a chud?

One school of thought is that Carey's career would've benefitted massively if her legs had been stolen. "Look at that gold digger Heather Mills," one non existent individual didn't comment. "She only lost one leg and she's hundreds of millions better off without any insurance."
The mind boggles at the injustice of some of it.