Bollock Yoghurt

It's the news millions of women worldwide have been waiting for: men's cum is now available in a variety of flavours.

The fantastic discovery came about like most works of genius by total accident when Ashley, a truck driver from up north, was getting blown by his wife.

"It was long week behind t' wheel," Ash said. "I'd been down t' pub with lads, drunk usual 40 pints, picked up vindaloo like other Friday nights and gone home t' wife." Once there Ash requested the conjugal rites that every married man is entitled to. He pushed wife Linda to her knees, placing his semi-hard member in her mouth.

Linda suffered in silence, broken only by the occasional slurp or gag, for two minutes before Ash blew his biscuits. As Linda wiped Ash' man muck from her chin she stared up at him in wonder. "Tastes like curry..."

Understandably Ash lost his temper and struck his beloved wife of fifteen years sharply across the mouth. "Don't talk nonsense woman," he said. Ash then broke wind loudly and went to bed.
But something woke him up in the middle of the night. "It were like pithany," Ash recalled. "I took slash in cupboard and then remembered I'd eaten that curry... then Linda tasted me gizz wad and that tasted like curry..."

Ash knew that science is not about one-offs. He decided to test his theory again. That night he ate nothing but cheesy nachos. When Linda resurfaced from Ash's lap that night she confirmed Ash's wildest dreams "tastes like cheese..."

"From that moment on," Ash reveals exclusively to Mooky.net, "everything made sense. Life, t' universe... t' whole bloody thing." Ash continued his research. So far he has proved that bollock yoghurt comes in:

Lager
Salt and Vinegar
Battered Cod
Full English Breakfast
Mushy Peas
Vindaloo
Korma

and the one that is guaranteed to please women everywhere: chocolate.

Ash was keen to make sure that Linda's 40 smokes a day habit was not influencing the results. So he enlisted his sister-in-law Jo, 51, and mother-in-law Cathy, 78, to confirm her findings.
Ash also points out that as well as being a great source of protein cum has no real calorific value.
"Imagine women being able to eat nowt but chocolate all day long," Ash grinned as yolk from a fried egg sandwich dribbled over his fat chin and down the front of his string vest.

No doubt the Ash's earth shattering findings will have an incredible impact on our lives all over the globe. In fact Mooky.net would not be surprised if this humble northern scummer won't get some sort of Nobel peace prize.

You Are What You Wee

It's more smelly than snot, but less smelly than poo. That's right, we're talking about piss.

Have you ever had a 'detatched reality' moment in the loo. A moment where you're right there, enjoying a stream of relief but suddenly become acutely conscious of the colour, or even the smell of your discharge? Isn't 'discharge' a disgusting word? I don't know about you, but it makes me think of a hippy's vaginal sweat, maybe even the pus that constantly seeps out of fat people.

Pus aside, mooky.net have initiated a little investigation into piss. What it means when it glows like a river of fireflies, or when it whiffs of honeysuckle in spring. Behold, the mooky guide to piss:

The Rainbow of Piss

Pink or Red Urine - You've been eating beetroots. How horrid. Blackberries can have the same effect, but they're cool, so that ok.

Green Urine - You've been eating Asparagus. An additional side effect of eating the vegetable that lends itself so well to hot butter, is that your piss will stink of sulphurus shit. Sadly your shit won't stink of piss.

Colourless vs Dark Yellow Urine - The less water you drink, the yellower the piss. But you knew that. But I bet you didn't know that the yellow bit is bile. Ugh. Bile's dark yellow, so the less water there is to dilute it, the darker and yellower the wee.

Orange (or possibly brown) Urine - What is this obsession with bile? Wee goes brown if there's excess bile in the blood. i.e. if you're jaundiced or like that rubbery, bendy bloke from the scary X-Files episode.


Brown Urine - Carrots or rhubarb can cause this. Presumably if you eat lots of carrots it won't be a problem having dark brown piss at night - because with your supersonic vision you'll STILL be able to see it.

Bright Highlighter Juice Urine - You've Taken a Multivitamin. Cool isn't it. That just means that your body hasn't absorbed it, which is normal apparently. Try taking Berocca, your piss will blind pixies AND it smells like weak orange juice.

Blue Urine - You've been taking a drug called Risanpin, an antiobiotic used to treat tuberculosis.

Bluey Green - Why the hell have you been drinking Methylene Blue? Do you know what it is? It's the stuff you shove in fish tanks to keep the fish healthy. Why would you want to keep fish healthy? They're shit.

Miscellaneaus Shit... I Mean Piss

Sweet Sugary Smell in Your Urine - *wags finger like a dickhead* you've been taking drugs.



Coffee - is notoriously impressive at making your piss smell bad. In fact coffee makes breath smell like shit as well. Coffee rules and sucks at the same time.

Beer - Makes your wee smell like corn.

Blood in Your Urine - This means you're ill.

Well blood and urine seems like a good place to leave it. I'm off to drink Berocca and fish tank stuff.