Sulky Spiral

Proving himself to be a truly hardcore mo'fo this morning, Spiral couldn't help but winge and sulk pathetically about the fact Aisleyne is not interested in him. It could be because he is just average looking or it could be because he's such a bad rapper. Anyway as soon as he was alone with the blond bumhole he confronted her about last night. "Fair enough if you're not interested in me, but you laughed at me. You rejected me twice in front of everyone in this House, and on the telly. You made me look like a desperado." "I didn't laugh at you babes," Aisleyne replied. "I don't know you, I've just met you. I don't kiss people I don't know."

"Fair enough then," Spiral muttered. "I kissed Pete because I always kiss Pete, and Nikki... well, don't ask me why, but I just did," Aisleyne went on to say. "You've been flirting with me and I thought we were getting on well. So to reject me like that, people will be at home laughing at me," Spiral went on relentlessly. Sick of his puppy dog whining Aisleyne finally snapped: "Rejected? Yeah that's why you're in the House, because I rejected you." The blond stomped off sucking her teeth on the way out like the rudegirl wannabe she is.

"You're just a little Mickey teaser, that's all you are. You're on this earth for attention, playing games with people's heads and making a dick out of them on TV. You're a walking tease," Spiral said to himself. He went on muttering for a few minutes more before finally shutting up. No doubt someone like Spiral though will turn this heart-breaking incident into some ultra poignant lyrics. Can't wait to hear what shit comes out his mouth about this one. Twat!

Jayne Puts Everyone Up For Eviction

Big mouth Jayne, recruitment consultant from the picturesque town of Slough, has been talking about the outside world on numerous occasions. Apparently this is a cardinal sin in the Big Chudder house. So after the latest breach by the large lady, she was summoned to the Diary Room.

"You have let yourself down, you've let Big Brother down but most importantly you've let your fellow housemates down," Big Chudder told the ho. It was then revealed that due to Jayne's behaviour normal nominations would be suspended and everyone in the house, except her own good self, would be up for eviction this week.

When she emerged from the Diary Room, having basically shafted her fellow inmates, Nikki gave her a hug. Although it would have been far more appropriate if the inmates had turned into an angry mob, beaten and kicked Jayne to death and then strung up her battered corpse in the garden.

Night Of Cock

They came, they drank, they cocked about. Throw a load of adolescent twenty somethings together in a house, fill them with booze and watch as the sexual frustrations surface. Pretty much what happened tonight. Glyn who is desperate to do anyone female got a lapdance off Jayne. Anyone else would find such a prospect disgusting, but Glyn who was pissed and now a bleached blond loved it. Nikki got off with Aisleyne. Mikey told Nikki she was fit (Pete wasn't too happy about that) and Spiral tried to get a piece of Aisleyne's ass... but failed miserably!

Spiral has made no secret of the fact he fancies the fuck out of Aisleyne, but she seems luke-warm. When he went to kiss her, she shunned him. As a result he had a tantrum saying it was Aisleyne who had lost out and she wouldn't get a chance to have him again. Yeah, right! Anyway Aisleyne's rejection put Spiral in such a mood that he turned on Nikki. The rubber faced ho can't help her face looking funny, but Spiral thought one expression was a personal slight against him. So he kicked off because a numero uno rapper has nothing, if not respect from others.

After Nikki cried and Spiral realised her face was just that way normally the two made up. So another night in the Big Chudder house. Cunts being cunts, but on television. No doubt Spiral will release some rap single about such events, which will give me even more reason to despise him.

Pissed Nikki Nauseates Us

There are some things in life you can guarantee. Night follows day. Chud happens. And when Nikki gets pissed she tells people she hates she thinks they're amazing. Which is what happened tonight. Unpleasant Jayne was feeling victimised and decided to bend Nikki and Glyn's ears about it. The big baby decided to use the old 'nobody likes me, I'm going to walk' cry for sympathy: "I'm going tomorrow because of the nasty fucking people in here."

"If you ever... I don't want anything more to do with you," Nikki slurred in response. Having got what she wanted Jayne quickly back-tracked, but Glyn clearly still wanted to reassure her. "You have brought back the spark we needed in this House," the boy stated like some welsh statesman. "I feel like calling everyone a cunt... stupid little things set me off," Jayne moaned on after Nikki and Glyn had hugged her. "If you think you're annoying someone - get louder. Get louder! Fuck them off!" Nikki screeched. "I've never met anyone like you in my whole life... I fucking love you... you are something spectacular. But I don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks because I fucking worship you."

It was at this point when Nikki suddenly vomited all over Jayne's bulbous toes. Which is ironic because having watched such a display its exactly what I feel like doing!

Pete Nails Nikki... Sort Of...

After a bit of under the duvet fumbling by Pete and Nikki last night, the question on some people's lips, especially the collagen filled ones belonging to Lea, was did they have a fuck or not? Well, according to Big Chudder's whistler they didn't. As he sat smelling the Diary Room out, his massive cock straining to break free from his shorts and fornicate, old potty mouth stated: "We had a cuddle, just cuddling. I can't elaborate. I know Nikki likes me. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. Not properly."

However Big Chudder is so desperate for anything to happen that it demanded Pete explain further. Did "not properly" mean Pete put his penis in and out of Nikki a bit, but didn't shoot his load up her? Or maybe he only managed to sneak his tip past Nikki's muff curtains? "She said 'mates kiss and cuddle'," Pete went on. "I know they do, but she tried to sneakily kiss me again. God, it's hard in here isn't it? There's no female contact at all. And then this bird's trying to kiss me. I'm like 'you're my mate'. All I want is a cuddle now and again. But at the same time I'd like..." At this point Pete dropped his shorts, blurted out a load of profanities and furiously masturbated until the cameras were dripping with his man mess.

Meanwhile Imogen was in the kitchen asking Nikki about the dirty fucker. "First... he was quite quick," Nikki said deforming her face beyond normal physical boundaries. "But I've slowed him down." Filthy.

Tearful Goodbye

Lea's departure this evening was an emotional affair to say the least. As soon as old big tits heard the news she burst into tears. "Told ya," she said. Then she hugged Richard and Pete. "I love you, Pete, I really do," she wept on his shoulder. Susie compassionately told Lea she should pull herself together, but instead Lea exploded into tears and wretched "I knew I should have walked!"

Then Pete and Richard started crying, Nikki put her jelly face in her hands and Mikey and Imogen watched in silence. "I'm gonna miss you all so fucking much!" Lea wailed. "Babes, no one booed," Aisleyne blabbered as she tried to hug Lea, "...that was more cheering than anyone has had."

Once Lea had left, taking her comedy breasts with her, Pete crawled into bed and wept. Richard used the opportunity to molest Pete. He spooned the whistling monkey boy and then tried to ease himself between Pete's cheeks. "I hope she's alright," Pete whimpered as tears streamed down his cheeks. "It shouldn't have been you two, you are the best people..." "No one will replace her," Richard agreed pushing himself deeper into Pete. "We're Dickie and Dolly, I don't want to just be Dickie." What about Big Gay Dick? Would you rather be that?

Bye Bye Big Tits

53% of the voting public opted to kick ol' big jugs Lea out. So 3% more people hated the porno star than they did Big Gay Dick, it seems. I'm not sorry to see her go. She needed to go before she lost her marbles completely. She was already severely paranoid about who Pete was screwing or not. Anyway no doubt we'll see her soon enough in the Star, Sun, various lads' mags and probably another porn film.

Jayne's A Lying Bitch

A fat, ugly recruitment consultant from Slough who makes stuff up? Unheard of! Unfortunately Jayne has proved to be the exception to the rule this evening. Mooky.net is sad to report that she has let her home-town, profession and the fat and ugly down badly this evening... when she lied!

She was in the kitchen with Jennie cooking and seemingly passing time in a very civilised manner. But when conversation turned to the impending evictions things started going wrong. Very wrong! "Everyone is quite miserable, what is wrong?" Jayne asked Jennie. "I want this to be a laugh... It's all gone a bit serious."

"It's doing my head in to be honest..." Jennie replied. "I just feel really bad for them. She doesn't wanna go, neither does Richard." For some unknown reason Jayne completely misinterpreted what Jennie said; a characteristic that is alien to recruitment consultants who always put people into the roles the want and never ignore what potential job candidates tell them.

"It's a game, someone has to go," Jayne screamed loathsomely. "I have cuddled Lea and been there for Richard. You are acting like I don't give a fuck! What's the problem?!" "Why do you think I am arguing with you?" a confused Jennie asked. "I agree with you!" When Susie turned up Jayne didn't hang about feeding her a load of shit. "I get the impression from Jennie that I'm not being supportive."

Jennie had had enough by this time though: "You stood there and lied to Susie after I did nothing but be nice to you...I'm not arguing with you, you can fuck off!" Come back Grace, all is forgiven! Not really, but that Jayne is one horrible bitch! Nasty.

Emotional Entrance

Aisleyne and Spiral burst into the main Big Chudder house in a whirlwind of emotions tonight. Blond, moon-faced Aisleyne looked worse than ever as make-up, tears and snot streamed down her face. She raced to the bathroom with Spiral in hot pursuit while the rest of the inmates looked on, their heads mostly fucked. Earlier they had realised that Aisleyne was not a distant memory, but still in the game. While Aisleyne realised the three new freaks she thought she'd kicked out were waiting on the other side.

Aisleyne's emotional break out is apparently because she feels guilty about being forced to evict Jonathan for good. "That poor boy, I've ruined his dream, he just wanted his mum to be proud of him. I liked him," Aisleyne whined having completely and selfishly ruined another human being's life. A little bit later after much consoling and general bollocks Spiral managed to introduce himself to the inmates he hadn't yet met. "Sorry I walked in and turned my back on you," he rapped. "They're messing with our heads."

The truth about the whole second house conspiracy began to be unravelled and proved almost too much for Nikki's limited brain to handle. "This is so weird for us, too weird," she squeaked. "Did you know we were there?" DJ Spiral asked. "I did," Richard claimed. Then the big gay took advantage of everyone's shocked state by dishing out his own celebrated brand of sexual terrorism. He shoved DJ Dickhead Spiral to the ground and tried entering him without lubrication.

Arrogant Jonathan Bounced

Jonathan who loves himself along with the world's entire female population has been evicted tonight. And unlike the other new inmates he's actually going back to life outside Big Chudder.
The bouncer and wannabe actor was the last of the second Big Chudder residents to be evicted by Aisleyne. Her decision was made in front of Jonathan and Spiral while the inmates in the other house watched it on a big screen.

Its one cunt less in total, but I still feel quite aggrieved there's an additional four to irritate me daily.

Try Hard Cunts

I almost didn't bother writing this because the subject is such a pile of chud, but then I enjoy the therapeutic benefits this post provides so I thought 'why not?' The place: the second house. The people: DJ Spiral aka Glen the Tim Westwood wannabe, and Aisleyne the ho desperate to be a rapper's cum sack. I can already visualise the moon faced blond hanging around outside some nasty club wearing a puffa jacket and giving attitude to people in an attempt to prove her muff is street tuff. I'd kick her ass. Anyway while Aisleyne was 'evicting' (yawn!) two more people, Spiral decided to get some lyrics down. What a cunt! This is the pathetic, nursery rhyme he managed:

"They mess with your emotions, they don't want you to think straight;
Jayne, Jen and Michael haven't been evicted which is great;
They're next door living it up, I'd say wrecking the place;
Keep with the pace;
It's Big Brother in your FACE!"

What a pile of shit. Aisleyne, however, got him to 'rap' again so he stood on the couch while she waved her hands in the air. God, I hate them both so much!
Message to Spiral: stop wearing your hat backwards and don't be surprised when you get a kicking for being a try-hard. Message to Aisleyne: stop trying to morph into some stereotype that is racially offensive. Now here's a real bit of rapping:

"Aisleyne is a gimp;
Spiral's dick is limp;
I'd kick them both in;
Their existence is a sin..."

Keep the faith. Peace out.

Aisleyne Evicts Another Two

In the second Big Chudder house, Aisleyne has had to 'evict' another two housemates. In reality she's just sending another two cunts next door to the main house. So there's no drama at all. No one is actually leaving. No one is being punished. Nothing. Just a bunch of cunts moving from one house to the other. Backwards and forwards...

I mean, say Lea was voted off this Friday, would she actually be back in the outside world or just sidelined into another fucking house? And why aren't the original inmates more pissed off that they've survived weeks only to be up against even more people?

Fine. Do this once. Get the shock reaction from everyone. But keep on doing it and the act becomes tired fast. Maybe all this is just some quickly formulated cover to disguise the fact that Davina has dropped another baby! And maybe the show should be renamed 'What Aisleyne Doesn't Know' seeing as how the second house has become a temple where she's worshipped as some Amazonian goddess, and all this ridiculous cocking about surrounds the fact she has to face the people she's evicted again.

So look forward to lots of jaw-dropping 'oh my God!' exclamations, false hugs, cries of 'babes', air kisses and talking with a sort of affected 'gangsta' voice. The slag makes me sick.
Oh, she nominated Michael and Jennie by the way - whoever the fuck they are!

Richard vs. Lea

The nominations have been announced. And its the one we've been waiting for... the first up is big and gay, the second is a big gay: it's Richard versus Lea. Recently Richard has become hated by housemates and Lea is constantly sobbing or stirring shit so the news is no surprise.

Big Gay Dick seemed more surprised by the announcement than Lea, but at least accepted the news with good grace. He went over to Lea offering her a hug of support. But the big breasted porn star who has probably caused extensive physciatric trauma for her sons in her selfish quest to be something, spurned the gesture of affection. Refusing to let Richard hug her, she said "Just give me a minute, I'm fine!"

So who do we want out? Well, recently Richard has been a calming, but relatively dull force in the house. Lea has been stirring shit, paranoid, behaving like a jealous stalker and bursting into attention seeking tears each time the wind changes. When we put it like that, our plea is to pick Lea if you're one of the people prepared to pay the premium rate to be part of this circus freak show.

Welcome Reception

In spite of being a recruitment consultant from Slough with anger issues, Jayne was warmly welcomed when she entered the Big Chudder house next door. Probably because they don't know anything about her yet. Nikki and Pete were the first to spot her. Incredibly Nikki managed a whole new range of even more ridiculous facial expressions, while Pete was more subdued - presumably tired of having to explain he doesn't mean to be rude when he shouts "wanker!"

"Argh! Oh my God! Are you real?" Nikki sqealed. Pete whistled. Then both of them hugged Jayne who smells. "What the fuck?" Imogen asked before also hugging the new arrival.
"Are you pleased that you've got me?" Jayne asked. "Yes!" most of them cheered although not Lea or Mikey. Those two looked a little unhappy about the whole thing. Mikey was no doubt hoping for someone more attractive and Lea can probably do without the competition in the most hideous mid to late thirties ho category.

Jayne Sent Next Door

Aisleyne's price for getting to stay in Big Chudder was having to evict one of the new inmates face to face. She chose angry fatty Jayne. But not before agonising over the decision and crying like a big pussy. "I don't wanna do it... I feel sick..." Aisleyne whined. "I don't know, I don't know!" Michael, who has instantly fallen for Aisleyne, tried to make the dilemma easier by saying he'd go. "Babes, I'll go!"

"Hang on a second," Jonathan chipped in. "You must evict someone... It might be into the House next door." "I'm gonna do it..." Aisleyne then said. She chose Jayne because "I couldn't sleep." Jayne who is a loud-mouth pig has been keeping Aisleyne up at night. And if anyone needs their beauty sleep it's that mutton in training. "I knew you were gonna say me," Jayne responded.
Aisleyne apologised repeatedly, but Jayne was having none of it. "Why are you sorry? 'Cos I kept you awake?!" Later in the diary room next door Jayne's anger was still evident as when asked about Aisleyne she succinctly replied "Fuck her!" Nice. Although to be fair Aisleyne is slowly revealing herself to be a bit of a Grace.