Dodgy Beans Cost Tescos £25K

Supermarket giant Tescos has been successfully sued by 8 people it poisoned with some dodgy cafe breakfasts. 6 of the munchers were punters while the other 2 were staff sneaking a free meal.

Tests showed the breakfasts contained cleaning products used to wash the pans the food was prepared in. According to one victim the first couple of mouthfuls caused a burning sensation almost straightaway. Whether this stopped the individual eating the rest of their breakfast is not known. Other symptoms included severe vomiting, diarrhoea and mouth ulcers.

Herefordshire Magistrates court ruled in favour of the injured parties awarding £10,000 compensation and £15,000 costs. A total amount that will no doubt cripple the chain financially.

The poisoning took place at Tescos store in Belmont, Herefordshire. Knowing the area well this reporter can picture the customers all too vividly. The supermarket is a short waddle from the wannabe city's Newton Farm - an area dominated by council estates. The ruling no doubt motivated the plaintiffs to buy a carton of filtered cigarettes, a couple of bottles of Cava and pick up some brochures from Going Places.

The money will no doubt be used to inflict more pain on the Spanish as whole families of catastrophic proportions head for ten days in the sun. Cue fat sunburnt scum parading around in union jack emblazoned clothes, patronising locals, drinking copious amounts, screaming at off-spring and complaining about the lack of english cuisine.

I bought a toaster from Tescos once. It caused a fire in my house, gutted the kitchen and living room and nearly killed my girlfriend. And what did I get? Fuck all! Tell me, where's the justice in that?

Bush Likes Blair's Sweater

US President George Bush and UK Prime Minister Tony Blair had more important things than Israel and ending poverty to discuss at the G8 summit in Petersburg today. The two men, who are well known for their 'special friendship', were instead taking the opportunity to catch up.

George enthusiastically shouted out "Yo, Blair!" across the room when Tony arrived before gesturing wildly for his friend to come and sit next to him. "I saved you a seat, buddy!"

No sooner had Tony settled himself down than George revealed he couldn't really be bothered with the whole summit thing. Smirking he turned to his mate and said he would keep his speech short. "Some of these guys talk too long. Gotta go home. Got something to do tonight."

"Yeah," Tony replied. "My speech is going to take... one minute... if that... I didn't even bother doing one."
Bush seemed mildly impressed by Tony's bravado. And as the other ministers addressed their fellow world leaders the two spent most of the time making each other laugh, drawing cartoons of the other delegates and smirking about rude words like fanny. Bush was also reported to have cleared his throat constantly throughout one of the other delegate's addresses while Blair was said to be coughing 'wanker' on several occasions. As the day wore on though the two settled down to talk about more serious matters.

"Thanks for the sweater. It was awfully thoughtful of you," Bush stuttered.
"It's a pleasure," Blair replied turning a little red and wringing his hands together.
"I know you picked it out yourself," George said staring at his feet.
"Oh... absolutely," Tony said.

At this point it seemed the two might become even closer, but the Russian Premier Putin who had been eavesdropping the whole time burst out laughing.

"That guy is so dead," George said angrily. "You're so dead, you commie scum!"
"Yeah," Blair added. "Nuke his arse, Georgie!"

When asked later what the best way to end the hostilities between Lebanon and Israel was however, Bush showed that he was still the articulate statesman we know him to be: "You see, the... thing is what they need to do is to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over."

Allegations that Blair and Bush were later seen urinating and gobbing into Putin's soup remain unfounded.