Bears Love The Sunshine State

Bears have been flocking to California in their thousands, according to someone there who might know. Apparently the bear population is at all time high. Some experts argue competitive house prices, growing local job market and all year round good weather have been key factors in attracting the grizzlies. Patrick Foy, biologist and spokesman for the California Department of Fish and Game, spends most of his day staring at the new arrivals much to their annoyance. Patrick believes "Recent years have created better bear habitat."

But not every Californian is over the moon about their new neighbours. Debbie Yates is one deeply disgruntled local who recently experienced a less than pleasant run-in with one of the out of town bears. Debbie had been on her way out when she heard commotion in the kitchen. At first she thought it was the family cats twatting stuff off the kitchen counter. Debbie was getting ready to teach the pets a lesson they wouldn't forget when she received the shock of a lifetime.

"I came around the corner and into the kitchen and instead of seeing two cats on the counter I saw a big, brown bear, a third of the way coming in through the kitchen window," Debbie recalled as she relived the fearful nightmare. Apparently the bear was wearing a face-mask and carrying a sports bag, presumably to stash any valuables in. Debbie had no doubt the bear had come to rob her family's home, but in spite of her fear she didn't hesitate to tackle the intruder. "My instincts kicked in and I raised my hands and yelled, 'Get out! Get out!' And lucky for me, it did!"

Although many of the bears are believed to be peaceful, law abiding citizens there is a growing undercurrent of ill-feeling amongst native Californians. Increasingly bears are associated with 21st century street crimes involving drugs, guns, crack, whores, crack-whores and property. Many Californians are convinced that within a couple of years the pleasant neighbourhoods they have come to call home will become bear ghettos, where ordinary decent people fear to go.

Pissed Pelicans Picked Up

Residents of Laguna Beach, Los Angeles, were left reeling after four drunk pelicans wreaked havoc at the coastal resort. The birds had been drinking heavily on the beach from about eleven o'clock Saturday morning, but were forced to head into town when the booze ran out. As they staggered through the traffic, reeling from one lane to the next, one of the four crashed headlong into a car, smashing the vehicle's windscreen. One onlooker said the three other pelicans were all over the place and seemed oblivious that they had left one of their own behind.

The incident with the car spurred assistant wildlife director Lisa Birkle to issue a warning to the public to be on the lookout for birds acting "drunk, disoriented or being in an unusual place." A number of birds who had been getting pissed in a more socially acceptable way were frog-marched to the local police station, but the pelicans in question remained at large. It was not until the early hours of Sunday morning when the pelicans were eventually tracked down. The birds were found trying to buy kebabs, still extremely drunk.

They were taken down town and thrown into a cell where they were left to dry out. Speaking to them the morning after, the pelicans remained adamant they had done nothing wrong. "America used to be a great nation," the least hungover bird told us. "But Bush has turned it into some sort of police state. I'd like to know what's so wrong with a working bird and some of his pals knocking back a few drinks, anyways..."

We did point out that the pelican who crashed into the car had shaken the driver up pretty badly, but only received a garbled reply about "what the guy could do with his car" before being asked if we had anything to drink on us. The pelican who had crashed into the car suffered internal injuries and a gash to his beak. It is not yet known if the pelicans will be formally charged or not.

Pool Not Cool In Uganda

Kampala to be precise. It’s now illegal to play pool during the day in Uganda’s capital city. The metropolitan chief of police Grace Turyagumanawe claimed that the game has become inextricably linked with young delinquents drinking ‘illegal spirits’ and smoking 'drugs'. She told Ugandan national The Daily Monitor that: "They also use this as a meeting place to make plans of robbing people of their property at night… We are not banning the sport, but we are stopping people from playing it during the day."

I can definitely see the logic. Pool tables must be brilliant criminal rendezvous points. For one thing they're easy to hide under; they're also impossible to see near trees. The next logical step would be to ban toilets. All criminals use them, I've seen it myself. Perhaps they could ban people as well, they're always up to no good.