Mooky Joke Of The Day

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art. There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire" and, over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren. All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book. "Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father'?"

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?".

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says, "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls.

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

One in Four Parents Are Thieves

In a survey of nearly 400 parents of children under the age of 17, it was found that one in four steal money from their children. The survey, by Bankwest in Australia, also found that 20% of child thieves use the money to pay for utility bills. An astonishing 16% put the money toward a new car or holiday.

"If you can't find any money, you know the one place you can always rely on is the kids' piggy banks,” says Paul Vivian, head of retail deposits for Bankwest. “But my wife always makes sure I put it back - with interest."

I’m sure she does Paul, but then she probably only makes you do that because she knows that she’s twice as likely to steal it back again. Some 35% of mothers steal money from their kids as opposed to just 16% of dads.

You can just picture Mr crack dealer waiting outside the family house for payment, while an 8 year old girl pokes her finger forlornly at what remains of her piggy bank: porcelain and dust. Meanwhile mum and dad are doing lines of coke off the spoiler of their brand new Ferrari, probably enroute to some sort of sex cruise.

Stupid Old Teeth

A 70 year old German man was arrested after he refused to pay a fine for shoplifting. When police came to take him away he tried to escape through the back door but was quickly caught. Still feeling frisky, the man then began furiously biting at one of the officers. A police spokesman told reporters:

"It looks like he forgot to put his teeth in ... One of our police officers got bitten several times, but the man didn't leave anything but a wet patch."

I've got my own teeth but I still do the other thing.

Goats Fucked

70 goats were killed by a massive lightning strike in central Bulgaria. They were huddled under a tree when a 'bolt struck, killing all of them'.

"At least the goatherd managed to survive. He was under a different tree" Civil Defence Officer Anastas Iribadzhakov told Reuters.

How did the goat herder know to go to a different tree? Was the goat's tree made of copper and linked up to the national grid? Lonely shepherd, six teated goats, post-wank guilt... I think it all adds up.