Whale Burger & Chips?

How would like to go to your local fast-food outlet and pick up a whale burger? How about a whale dog? No? Excellent. Young Japanese-ians have embraced the emerging fast-food whale market like flu on chicken. Whale meat has been a traditional Japanese delicacy for hundreds if not thousands of years, but until now the new generation has been turning their noses up at the idea of endangering our amply flippered, mammalian friends. By modernizing the way whale meet is consumed Wada, a restaurant 62 miles southeast of Tokyo, hopes to renew interest in whale cuisine.

Whale burgers are made from the meat of Baird’s Beaked whales and whale dogs come from Minke whale meat. Japan ceased commercial whaling back in 1986 after a great deal of international pressure, but they introduced “scientific whaling” in 1987. Endangered whales are off limits under the scheme, but more numerous species are considered fair game. "I think we could whale more, because the number of whales has now increased to the extent that they are damaging the ecosystem by eating too much fish" says Juichi Matsunaga a patron of the whale restaurant, who probably beats up goats. Wiping off bits of mermaid and a litre or so of whale blood from her harpoon Yuko Takahashi barked: "I thought whale meat was too tough to eat, but actually it's tender and very delicious". She then tripped up a small boy and spat a passing priest.

I’m not convinced; I think if we’re allowed to eat whales, we should also be allowed to do a whole host of other things. For instance maybe it could be ‘ok’ to demand pregnant women relinquish their seats on buses. It could be ‘socially acceptable’ to throw old people to the back of queues on the assumption they’re invariably less busy and might smell a bit. Oooh, I'm having a whale of a time just minking about it.

Nouvelle Riche

Enterprising toilet paper company Nouvelle is set to become one of the most unlikely businesses to cash in on the birth of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby. The new born, blatantly one of the luckiest people alive and destined to enjoy good looks plus vast wealth and lengthy residential stays at rehab clinics, has been named Shiloh Nouvel. So you can see how the bog paper maker made the leap between AAA-list celebrity baby and tissue used to wipe human shit on. The limited edition arse wipe will show a stork carrying a baby, with the words 'Congratulations Brad and Angelina on the birth'. The name 'Shiloh' will be added above the brand name 'Nouvelle'.

If the news reaches the diamond studded higher echelons just below heaven, where superhumans like Brad and Angelina reside the couple will no doubt be moved to tears by such a wonderful gesture. Millions of Britains everywhere will be able to associate one of the most enjoyable daily past-times of having a really good shit with their new baby. And men who do a really big crap will also be able to empathise with Angelina and other women who have given birth. Although I would love parents like Brad and Angelina, who would ensure that failure in everything is always an option and work is something done by my servants, I would still rather be Madox. Because in a matter of years I could stare at Angelina when she was naked, try and take baths with her, film her and Brad shagging and probably convince her to breast feed me. Plus as there is no blood link like with Shiloh it wouldn't be incest. Everyone's a winner... except Brad who I would have to kill, but make it look like an accident.

Hopefully this brand will only be available in the UK so I can buy a load and sell it to novelty hungry Americans on Ebay. I could make a shit load. It'd be the Pitts if I didn't manage at least a small pile.

Civil Servants Vomit In Cups

Staff at the Rural Payments Agency in Newcastle are being investigated after a worker complained about 'inappropriate behaviour'. Staff have been vomiting into cups which are then hidden in cupboards. CCTV footage shows others leaping across filing cabinets naked. At least one worker has been dismissed so far and several others are being investigated.

“I am appalled at the level of depravity being tolerated at my workplace” said one witness. “Activities have been caught on official cameras. There is a list of shocking and awful acts in work time, including sex in the toilets. Drug-taking and swearing is rife.”

I’m off to Newcastle tomorrow. I’m not sure about the vomiting in cups, but there’s always flasks. Nudity? Drugs? Sex on government property with government staff? That's almost as vitriolic a statement against "the man" as burning your pants, defecating on ballot papers and growing facial hair all at once.

Beer Cures Everything

And by everything I mean prostrate cancer. Oregonian researchers have found during lab tests an ingredient in beer that actually helps prevent prostrate cancer. The ingredient is a compound called xanthohumol and it’s found in hops, which is incredibly interesting. However, the real discovery is that it would take about 17 beers a day for subjects to see any benefit.

Dr Richard N. Atkins of the National Prostrate Cancer Coalition said: "It's every man's dream to hear that beer and pizza can prevent cancer… However, the 17 beers and four large pizzas needed to get enough xanthohumol and lycopene to help prevent prostate cancer is unfortunately not advised."

I don’t know why he’s throwing pizzas into the mix, perhaps he thinks he’s funny. Either way, this is surely grounds for some kind of revolution. Just imagine, every decision you make from now on could be based solely on beery whims. You could charge into old ladies that get your way and then burp boozily into their face and there's nothing they could do about it because you're preventing prostate cancer.

Streaker Sells Clothes To Pay Fine

A streaker has decided to sell her 'streaking bikini' to pay for court costs after she was arrested for exposing herself at a rugby match. Lisa Lewis sprinted onto the pitch in the test between New Zealand and Ireland being held at the Waikato Stadium. She was taken off the pitch by security guards and arrested by police for 'disorderly behaviour'.

Lisa Lewis said she had fulfilled her "lifetime goal" but won't do it again because "the consequences are severe." She went on: "As a result my bikini is up for sale to assist in paying for my court fines and costs. Come on people help me out." The current bid stands at NZ$615. No I don't think we should be rewarding streakers that don't actually streak. That'd be like rewarding Big Issue sellers for not drinking.

Fat People Can't Die

A 31 stone (440 pound) German took on a car and survived. The 30 year old man was cycling through a crossroads when he braked too suddenly and fell off. He rolled onto the road and was immediately run over by a Volkswagen Polo. Incredibly he emerged from the under the bonnet with only a dislocated hip and 'minor scratches'. The car is said to be 'disgusted'.

German police spokesman Sven-Marco Claus told reporters: "Someone smaller would probably not have been so lucky." Lucky? To have a stone for every year of his life or to roll into oncoming traffic?

I'm not sure how I feel about 31 stone men riding bicycles, I just imagine the overhang causing friction on the road and slowing them down. They should bring back Penny Farthings, that way drivers who can't normally see 31 stone men will be alerted by their abnormally large bicycle. That and the screams as bits of loose stomach get caught in the spokes.