Coffin Up For A Decent Send Off

Ghanaians know how to give someone a good send off. ‘Fantasy Coffins’ are all the rage and anyone who’s anyone is getting buried in a dead bed that’s shaped like a coke bottle or a chicken. Christoph Miensa Kofi Azornu was buried in a Palm Fruit shaped coffin. His son Ruben explained: "However expensive it is, we feel that is the last way of according him respect." His father harvested palm fruits for a living.

Families have also been known to advertise the time and date of a funeral (with an accompanying picture of the deceased) in Newspapers and on billboards to ensure a good turnout, but it’s the specialised coffin that offers the most prestigious farewell. "If you can't acquire it, you can at least be buried in it," says Kwame Labi, a research fellow at the University of Ghana's Institute of African Studies. Well I haven’t acquired shit so far, so I guess that makes for a rancid but cheap ceremony.

Mayor Of London Gets Given Stuff

Red Ken has been enjoying all the bourgeoisie perks of socialism. The Tories recently acquired a list of all his ‘gifts’ and ‘hospitalities’. It details a bottomless pit of jewelry, wine, cognac, theatre tickets, exclusive lunches and dinners. He’s also nabbed ‘a bone china tea service (from the Bangladeshi government), a Waterford vase (from the Irish Post), a crystal horse (Mayor of Shanghai) and a Turkish coffee machine. A Harrods hamper was donated by Gulam Noon, two boxes of dates came from the Algerian ambassador, and someone else offered 12 boxes of vitamins.’

Why shouldn’t Ken be allowed to receive pressies from time to time? Any man who can simultaneously introduce a car tax and increase public transport ticket prices should be offered all the bone china in the world. It’s such a shame that he’s insane and sounds like a smug muppet that’s being ‘surprised’ from behind.

Pigs Deliver Chicken

Alleged part time car thief Barry Chambers was beaming with delight earlier today after police delivered a KFC Bargain Bucket, 2 litre bottle of Pepsi and one cigarette right to him. Chambers, 27, had climbed to the roof of a 3 storey building in Gloucester after a high speed car chase starting in Cheltenham. This is the second time Chambers has resorted to the roofs to evade arrest. Once up there he started lobbing tiles and bricks at the police who chased him. But the pigs called a time out because everyone was quite tired by the day's events.

"We're going down KFC," one of the officers called up to Chambers who was pulling up some guttering. "Do you want owt?"
"Can you get us a bargain bucket?" Chambers called back down.
"And some of thos barbeque beans... oh, and a pepsi."
"Can or bottle?"
"2 litre bottle please... I'm parched. Do you want any money for that?" Chambers replied.
"No, its alright. This one's on the tax payer," the officer replied prompting raucous laughter from his colleagues and the roof top rascal.

The police then went to a drive through to pick up Chambers dinner. The member of staff that served them opted for the Zinger meal deals. The cops hired a cherry picker so they could deliver the meal right to the crim, rather than bothering him with the hassle of coming down and then having to go back up. After the meal the officers then delivered a cigarette to Chambers. "Do you need a light?" the inept pig asked. "Please," Chambers replied. The officer handed over an engraved platinum plated family heirloom lighter, which Chambers 'forgot' wasn't his as he tried to pocket it.

After the meal negotiators tried to talk Chambers down, but everyone was feeling a little drowsy after the meal so it was a half-arsed attempt. As for the people who live under Chambers' roof? "It's not his house," one officer pointed out the bleeding obvious. "The residents are a bit worried. We are in close contact with them." Rumours the residents had to pay for their KFC meals haven't been proven either way. KFC is said to be delighted with the free advertising. "We're thinking of changing our slogan to 'the crims' choice'... something like that," an official spokesman didn't say.

High Speed Cow Chase

A Japanese cow, NOT Yoko Ono, made a bid for freedom on the way to the slaughterhouse on Sunday. According to Kitabayashi, a local police officer, the 1,606 pound bovine “was startled by a loud sound and just ran off.” 23 police officers chased the cow 3.7 miles in a high speed car chase.

A 56 year old rendering plant worker was knocked unconscious when he tried to help to capture the renegade hamburger. Karma quickly realigned and sent the cow hurtling into a metal fence. Sadly the impact of the crash resulted in its sputtering demise.

Nonchalently brushing cow eyeball off his shirt, Kitabayashi mused "I don't know whether it will be processed into meat or not". Metal infused meat enthusiasts are said to be hopeful. This little incident makes me want to move to Japan immediately, I’d become the most prolific criminal in the east by constantly eluding armies of police with my sophisticated cow beating intellect and fence avoiding skills.

Cops Foil Mariah Legs Thieves

Thieves plotting to steal Mariah Carey's legs were foiled by police today. Carey, whose legs have just been insured for $1 billion, is said to be relieved. The announcement of the amount the star's legs had been insured for is what triggered the attempted crime in the first place. The thieves had allegedly intended to take the legs from Carey and then ransom them back for half a billion. In the worst case situation they had made contingency plans to just take a bit of thigh or calf, which is still worth several million.

Of course the crime has raised a number of issues that are extremely relevant in today's world of glamour and legs. At the end of the day who would really have been hurt by this crime? Carey, who is predominantly made from plastic and jelly, would probably have been oblivious to the whole thing. Her business people would've made sure she got the insurance cash as well. So would the insurance company have been the real victim? Well, if so, who gives a chud?

One school of thought is that Carey's career would've benefitted massively if her legs had been stolen. "Look at that gold digger Heather Mills," one non existent individual didn't comment. "She only lost one leg and she's hundreds of millions better off without any insurance."
The mind boggles at the injustice of some of it.