Blind People Won’t Be Able To See The World Cup

…despite the fact Germany has sold all 640 of tickets allocated for blind fans. Why? Because they're blind. However, they will be able to hear the match, or rather the bloke next to them burping. For the first time in World Cup history, 10 tickets for each of the 64 games have been set aside for blind fans. The seats are set up in groups of 5, with each group given their own live commentator. In a sport often shrouded in violence, obesity and armchair flatulence, this move by the German authorities marks a refreshingly forward-looking approach to modernising the game.

What concerns me are these commentators, can they really be trusted to follow the matches dispassionately? I’m sure it’d go well at first, with the commentator picking up on every pass and throw in, every flick and touch. But as soon as the game hotted up, they’d surely stop bothering. Patience and inclusion would give way to apathy and possibly rage, if their visually impaired audience kept hassling them for updates. A far more inappropriate solution would be to place deaf fans next to blind fans. That way blind fans couldn’t pester the deaf fans for updates even if they wanted to. If an incident did take place, deaf fans would have to communicate using physical violence.

Hamster Survives Shredder Gauntlet

A hamster took on an industrial shredder in Flintshire today and won. Mike, the heroic animal in question, survived the sort of nasty machinery that can tear washing machines and big metal stuff to scrap. When Mike was found by a worker at the recycling plant he appeared to be injury free, save for a slightly hurt foot. "Oh that!" Mike commented after being rescued. "I did that on the way over. There was a pothole in the road and I just... you know... went over on my ankle."

Mike has been adopted by Liam Bull, son of the bloke who found him. Liam is apparently over the moon, but Mike is more reserved. "We'll see how it goes," Mike said. The hamster who has not held down a permanent position for years and is a recovering alcoholic has spent alot of time on the road. "I'm used to being on my own. It's not that I'm ungrateful, but you never know what the future holds, do you?"

The plant's general manager was surprised, but tickled, by the whole incident. "We don't get very much animal activity here, but we're delighted Mike survived and is now being cared for," he said as a giraffe was fed into the shredder neck first.

Buy Your Own Fort On eBay

There’s only three days to go before the eBay auction on Fort Montgomery draws to a close! Fort Montgomery you say? What? Fort Montgomery is a limestone fort situated on Lake Champlain Island, Northern New York. It’s connected to the mainland by a 700 foot causeway and comes complete with ‘6,900 feet of lake frontage and 279 acres on the adjacent mainland.’ Victor Podd, whose family has owned the fort for 23 years, has decided to put it up for auction using the safest most reliable means possible: ebay. The current bid stands at $5,000,310 which is probably not enough, as according to Victor the reserve is set at just under ‘$9.9 million’.

If I had a big fort I’d declare an independent state and fill it with attractive but deeply inept citizens. There’d be cannons operated by servile dwarves and an enormous pub right in front of the waterfront - to obscure any view of the mainland. Pete Doherty would be barman and Pete from Big Brother would act as the court jester and foreign secretary. Any excess rooms in the fort would be filled with bar nuts.

How To Skip Prison

A 52 year old prison ‘laundry coordinator’ has taken time out from bleaching semen stains out of bed sheets, to come up with the exercise machine of the future. Lester Clancy has taken the ‘ordinary’ skipping rope and removed the rope. He plans to market this cordless skipping rope as a fitness product that doesn’t penalize the clumsy. Without pesky ropes to trip up cack-handed skippers, the now patented invention is set to fly off the shelves faster than half price tampons.

Lester’s cordless skipping rope will also be ideal for the health conscious con because cordless skipping simply 'don’t give you enough rope to hang yourself with’. We all know that jailbirds love a bit of suicide and murder. In the past ‘conventional’ skipping ropes acted as makeshift nooses and garroting wire, making it all too easy to ‘off’ that newbie, or avoid getting bummed by ooh, say killing yourself. These problems are a distant dream with Clancy’s cordless device. At best crims can bludgeon each other to death with its weighted handles, but that’s as far as it could go. Sadly Clancy is yet to get financial backing - perhaps in the meantime he could barter his device to fellow inmates for spare buttons and crack.

Birth Defect Should Make Cartwheels Easy

A baby has just been born in Shanghai with what doctors are calling ‘an unusually well-formed third arm’. Sadly for ‘Jie-jie’ a ‘third arm’ is not a euphemism for: enormous ‘baby’s arm’ sized penis (this doctor confounding tot actually has three arms). Dr Chen Bochang told the local media, “His case is quite peculiar. We have no record of any child with such a complete third arm… It’s quite difficult to decide how to do the operation on him.”

Jie-jie, who’ll be able to masturbate secretly when he’s older, will almost certainly have to have one of his well formed limbs lopped off – hopefully one of the extra arms. He’s in the right place; the hospital he’s staying at is infamous for separating several conjoined twins. It's a shame though, he'll miss out on being able to wipe his bum, take a piss and brush his teeth at the same time.

Australian Prozzers Need Fags

Ho's in Australia have asked to be made exempt from laws that ban smoking in the 'workplace'. William Albon from the Australian Adult Entertainment Industry told the Associated Press: "People smoke when they drink, and people smoke when they fornicate." After masturbating furiously through a smoke ring he added: "men, women and transgender persons" could be "forced out onto the streets" as a result of the ban.

Now I can see Albon's point. It's been reported that smokers can last longer in bed, probably due to tar building up in the penis and solidifying like clay. However, surely there are several advantages to not using a street ho. The sensible punter could smoke like buggery before entering the brothel and roll up his next fag while having sex. That way ho consumers can enjoy legitimate nicotine fuelled sex without having to worry about their penis dropping off because of flesh-eating STDs.

Communal Sex Not For Communists

A 33 year old Chinese salesman has been 'banged up' for organising gay orgies on the internet. Mr Zou created a man fun website in 2005 so that he could advertise sex-parties he was hosting in Beijing, where he charged 30-50 yuan a pop. The entrance fee (the equivalent of about £2.68) included a goody bag of pornographic videos and other 'service items'.

"Thanks to reporting from the masses, Zou was caught on the spot last November and this 'licentious nest' was cracked," a Xinhua news agency revealed with dispassionate journalistic splendour. Although not strictly illegal, homosexuality is still considered taboo in China. Group sex is considered a crime by the Communist Party, which is a shame because I've always wondered what it'd be like to see Jackie Chan, Lucy Lui and that chick from Rush Hour II squirting sex juice at one another.