Bloke Gets Massive Hamster House

A mook from Olympia, Washington has turned his best friend's appartment into a massive hamster cage. Luke Trerice came home to find his home filled with shredded newspaper bedding, a six-foot exercise wheel and a giant water bottle. Keith Jewell, who really didn't need to explain his awe-inspiring design effort said, "It was a lot of work, but it was one of those cases where you do it because you have to."

Trerice, who's now a full-blown hamster, was responsible the infamous aluminium makeover in 2004 where another friend, Chris Kirk, had his entire appartment coated in aluminium foil. Trerice had said afterwards that he would be 'insulted' if there wasn't any kind of payback.

It took 8 people and over 100 man hours to assemble the hamster room and they even went to the effort of making a feed bucket filled with Cheetos. Trerice has started the mammoth task of clearing up, but has decided to hang on to the wheel. In reponse to the prank he said: "They claim they did this on (Kirk's) behalf. If they think that's going to mitigate any of the revenge that's coming, well that's even funnier than the wheel," he said. Mooky.net eagerly await the next chapter in this home improvement tomfoolery with baited, cheesy puff breath.

Breathless Old Lady Gets Tat

80 year old Iowan, Mary Wohlford has had 'DO NOT RESUSCITATE' tattooed onto her old chest. Apparently the message is not aimed to ward off kissers. Mary wants to make it clear to people that she wishes to die choking and wheezing on her own spittle. "People might think I'm crazy, but that's OK," she said. "Sometimes the nuttiest ideas are the most advanced."

Whether or not euthanasia should be legalised, there's a more pressing point at stake. When you see someone (in this case an old woman) bent double, coughing up organs suddenly pass out and stop breathing, you have to make a judgment call. I'm pretty sure that at no point in making that call it's appropriate to rip an elderly ladies top off to check for last wishes. Mary, who has large man-ish hands, will presumably have to hope she's in the presence of granny-fancier next time she's feeling short of breath.

Bottomley Covered In Poo By ASBO

A 57 year old retired business woman has been issued an ASBO for blocking roads with shit and roadkill. Jeanne Wilding also 'repeatedly and loudly played a choral work about rape, pillage and the trashing of villages' according to locals in the hamlet of Bottomley. One of Wilding's rampages included: bashing up her 'neighbour's vehicle... beaming floodlights' into his home and 'tipping oil' onto his driveway.

Just imagine getting home after work (having swerved past excrement and death) only to slip all over your oiled driveway and break every bone in your work-weary body. After throwing your broken eyeballs and nose cartilage into the bin, you then have to sit in the living room with a giant spotlight beaming onto your sad, broken face.

Deputy District Judge Sandra Keen concluded, "it's clear she has little or no appreciation of the effect her behavior has on other people... If her views are challenged, she responds in a wholly inappropriate manner." In addition to a loud music, spotlight/CCTV installation ban, Wilding will be ordered to pay £75,000 to the council to pay for damages. The poo loving animal hater was no doubt dissapointed with the restrictions but the £75,000 bill is only marginally more expense than her council tax so it shouldn't curb her spending on massive pink sunglasses too much.

The 'Grand' Train Ride To Tibet

The Chinese government, in a fit of sensitive and well-meaning diplomacy, have built a railway that goes from Xining to Lhasa. Tibet, a mysterious and spirtual nation located high in the snowy Himalayas was invaded, plundered and repopulated annexed by the Chinese government in 1949. Suprisingly the move by the People's Republic has been billed as 'controversial' by the several Tibetan rights groups, who feel that a direct line in to the virtually inaccessible plains of Tibet might encourage even further dilution of the native population.

The train boards 100 passengers and takes a total of 48 hours to cover more than 2,040km of track. Tickets will cost $1,000 and are likely to be targeted at wealthy tourists. On board entertainment, according to the Beijing Times, consists of 'showers... karaoke' and gourmet 5-star service. For $12,000 punters will be enrolled on the Super Deluxe package, which will include a personalised tour of the Potala Palace - the traditional home of the Dalai Lama. Sadly the Dalai Lama cannot greet tourists in person as he is currently exiled in a hilly region of India called McLeod Ganj - which isn't a Scottish hallucinogen.

Greeks and Turks Fall Out

A Greek fighter pilot collided with a Turkish one today. Both pilots survived, but the fighter planes died instantly. The incident is the latest in alot of willy waggling between the two countries over so called disputed territory.

Greece reckons that it's entitled to a ten mile radius off its coast while Turkey says it only recognises Greece's right to six. Apparently, according to the Greece, they have to send up loads of fighters to warn the Turks off all the time. Unbelievable! As usual the US intervened and spoilt it for everyone. The official American message was "Stop fucking about or we'll bomb you to buggery."

Toddler Escapes From Alcatraz

A seven year old boy has successfully swum the daring gauntlet of lukewarm, fluffy waters between Alcatraz and the San Francisco shore. It’s a journey that some of the world’s most dangerous criminals have attempted and failed, but Braxton Bilbrey wearing armbands and a swimming cap, completed the journey in under an hour. Sean Connery is the only other man said to have successfully completed the crossing after he went on the run from the FBI following a complex nuclear missile hostage situation.

Braxton was inspired to take on the 1.4km swim after reading about a 9 year-old, who did the same thing last October in under 2 hours. The 9 year-old, who can’t turn back time and redo it aged 6, is said to be seething with resentment and burning hate. Perhaps Braxton should team up with Marathon Boy. They could form a sort of underage triathlon team if they could get hold of a 2 year cyclist or anyone under the age of 10 - in fact anyone except for the 9 year old, he’s rubbish.

Irish Minister Denies Warbling Orcs

Ah the Eurovision… It comes at us every year like a rush of warm shit. Everyone secretly loves it… the slaggy dresses, the pyrotechnics, Terry Wogan’s drole alcoholism… but no one more so than the Irish. In fact this year they loved it so much that they decided to win, even though technically they didn’t. John O’Donoghue, Minister for Art in Ireland congratulated Irish entry Brian Kennedy for a ‘Marvellous Win’ on the department website.

The news must have come as a shock for Finnish victors ‘Lordi’, who’s dramatic display of platform shoes, Orc-wear and shouting, wowed voters throughout Europe and er… Israel. Thankfully the mistake has been explained away as a “human error” and the shameful deceit has since been removed from the website. If you get really drunk and then say… puke in a cab, does that count as ‘human error’? “Oh dear driver, I’ve made a terrible ‘human error’ all over my pants.”

Animal Charity Bear Skin

70 men and women unleashed their dangly bits and lay on the steps of St Paul's today, in a protest about something. Oh yes, apparently the Queen's Palace guards wear hats made of Canadian black bear fur, which is bad. It takes the hide of an entire man-eater to make one cuddly hat and PETA are not happy about it.

"These fucking tailors are shit" said Algae, one of the protesters on site, "how can they only make one cocking hat out of all that beast fluff? ...the turds".

The display, which supposedly symbolised a pile of dead bears, lasted a whole 20 minutes. Sadly Apollo, the god of hunting, tainted the sentiment somewhat by making it rain throughout the protest.

Sports Advertising: Rubbish

Stripes and Ticks cobblers, Nike and Adidas have been trying to outdo each other with their latest rubbish ad campaigns. No, no, not rubbish silly - 'rubbish'. Trash cans throughout New York (and other places where they have litter) have been modified into basketball hoops. By placing a cheap plastic square behind the bins, innocent members of the public have been fooled into thinking they're not actually on the street, but on a real life basketball court. Teams of stockbrokers in handmade suits have been spotted limply flicking mochaccinos at the hoops like sedated zombies being offered up lumps of flesh.

Adidas hate Nike, with all their 'air' and their sweatshops, and have developed the trash-verts even further. By turning the bin itself into a sort of closed net and placing it high up a lamp post, litterers can enjoy the real thing. Apparently a can, if thrown correctly, can decapitate a small child, and scrunched up paper is about as aerodynamic as wet poo. These days lucky pedestrians are treated to a visual feast of 'botched attempts': razor blades blowing about like plastic bags, festering kebabs offering up plague fumes to the poor...