Fish Found Pissed In Coffin

Rubbish necrophiliac Joel Fish from Queensbury, New York was arrested last week for falling asleep inside a coffin. The 20 year was charged with 'burglary and criminal mischief', after he smashed a window and broke into the 'O'Leary Funeral Home' in Canton. He was discovered by the funeral director's wife, Debra White who nosily wandered into the casket display room at 6:30am - probably looking for some action. In a fit of pre-bed wank haste, Fish had sloppily strewn his clothes all over the floor, which the beady eyed sleauth quickly spotted. Edging closer still, she saw his knees sticking out of one of the coffins, which prompted her to call the police. Fish was said to be 'intoxicated' by arresting officers and had to be 'treated for cuts' at the local hospital.

Now we've all got pissed and fallen asleep in a coffin before, but what I want to know is where did those cuts come from? Did the police drug and bugger him, hoping that the court would see him as yet another 'pissed necro'? Did he self-harm when he realised the 'bed' was empty and then lacerate his elbows 'satisfying himself' in the stainless steel coffin? Whatever happened, Fish's adventure was more costly than say ringing a Japanese sex line or taking a girl out for dinner. He will have to cough up $4,000 in damages - made 'mostly to the coffin'.

Deer Launch Anti Student Protest

Deers have been maiming students and secretaries at the University of Illinois. 31 year old envelope folder, Tammy Emery is the latest casualty in this extraordinary spate of attacks. "I could tell it was angry, but I wasn't sure what about," said Emery who enjoys carving up fawns on her days off. "I couldn't have run if I tried" she recalled, "this deer was headed right toward me, full charge."

Emery was butted to the ground and kicked repeatedly by the doe, who appeared to be having the time of her life. She walked away snorting and spitting, leaving her victim with one ear 'sliced open', several bruises and a 'hoofprint on her hand'. This is the 8th attack in just under a year.

Incidents have only taken place in the woods, which means the majority of victims were probably poachers or rapists. University wildlife ecologist, Clay Nielsen, is convinced that they're being carried about by different deer and is currently leading a seminar entitled "Avoiding Deer-Human Encounters of the Third Kind on Campus." He is almost certainly not liked.

Killing In The Name Of... Porn

Thomas Gillen from Queens, New York, is in court beacuse he threatened to kill his wife unless she let him to photograph her in ‘sick positions’. The 43 year old would promptly email the images to random addresses using her email account along with the words: ‘I have a fantasy of being raped. I want to be raped’. Thomas kindly included her full name and work address at the end of the message to make it as easy as possible for any takers. “Pornographic sexual things were all over the internet” said Todd Komisky the DA, proving that Gillen for all his faults, was at least web savvy.

Having initially been released on bail, Thomas had to be brought in a second time after the police uncovered another one of his ‘love letters’: “Suicide is not an option. Kill yourself and I will kill every member of your family everywhere” wrote Thomas, who likes to make his notes clear and concise. He will spend 4 years behind bars if convicted, which seems an awfully long time for a murderous rapist. Pleading ‘not guilty’, his defence lawyer told the court: “She’s not being forced, she’s not resisting, she has a smile on her face in these pictures”. Gillen reputedly purred abdominally and flung semen at his shivering wife throughout the trial.

Will Fuck For Water

72 year old Troy Anderson, the mayor of Waldron, has been using water to pay his ho's. The dastardly old tight-wad was arrested on 'two counts of abuse of public trust, a felony and four counts of patronising a prostitute'. Mooky.net have looked into the charge of 'patronising' a prostitute, and found (dissapointingly) that he wasn't patting them on the head and saying "well done" really slowly. He was actually just 'employing them for services rendered' - or 'fucking' them.

One case involved a lady who 'went to the mayor for help' to get her grandaughter out of the Department of Health and Human Services' custody. The mayor, like a reasonable chap, said he might be able to he sort something out and suggested a meeting in his appartment. Clearly a slut, she came to the appartment on his request. However, she was wearing wires and microphones (probably not as his request) so that when Troy grabbed her, exposed himself and offered her $100 for a shag, the police had enough to arrest him.

Two other women have since come forward and admitted they'd had sex with the mayor. One 'victim' of the Troymeister had been doing so for 10 years and was paid a hefty $25 a time. Troy, who has a pornstar name, allowed her to change the details on her water bills so that she wouldn't get cut off. The other ho who came forward (probably in rags) only recieved $20 a pop. Witnesses have reported that she was "rough" and wasn't even "doing it for the water".

Pissed Irish Pigs

There was cause for celebration in Northern Ireland today when it was announced that in the last five years only 57 police officers have been convicted for drink driving. Deputy Chief Constable Paul Leighton was said to be extremely proud of the news.

Northern Ireland, where Guiness falls from the sky like rain and whisky flows from all the taps like water, is generally in a state of hazy inebriation. The pigs who might get free drinks in exchange for turning a blurred eye to naughty things are allegedly some of the country's biggest drinkers.

Leighton who was pissed when we didn't speak to him said it was a fine result. The force's unique ability to close ranks, "lose charge sheets" and do favours for one another when the shit hit the fan was credited as the real cause for the resounding success.
"Of course there's thousands of officers pissed all the time," Leighton slurred, winking. "So 57 is an amazing... thing," he said to no-one in particular before falling down.

Elderly Sent Down

Loads of old people are going to prison for failure to pay council tax arrears. One 75 year old man is already doing time - 28 days - for not paying a debt of over £900. Another old lady, 78, is facing the magistrates court for a debt of under £500. A third pensioner, 79 year old Bet Greenal, was taken away to court by police in cuffs. The pig pussies from North Cumbria, who allegedly sent thirty officers and ten attack dogs to the arrest, said "it was the safest way to deal with the woman" who also suffers from angina.

Mooky.net supports this long overdue crackdown on dangerous criminals who clearly intend to reoffend at the great expense to society of about £2,000. Unlike someone like John Two Chudders Prescott, whose money from taxpayers' pockets is well deserved; if anything not enough. We asked Tony Blair what he thought about the situation, which compunded prison overcrowding and cost alot more to resolve than the debts themselves. "I don't really give a fuck," could have been the reply.

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Monkey V Bears: Bears Win

Ah Dutchland... home of friendly cigarettes, clogs and ho's in cubicles. What better place to stage the ultimate fight - A whole pack of Sloth Bears versus a single Barbary macaque monkey? Spectators at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park 'Ooohed' and 'Aahhed' as the spectacle unfolded right before their lazy, bloodshot eyes.

The Barbary was initially 'in the lead', but in a hilariously unfortunate turn of events, leapt straight into an electric fence. Despite recovering admirably, the monkey, who then started hobbling off shaking his frazzled head, was rugby tackled to the ground by one of the bears. Seconds later bits of monkey were hanging off trees and children's faces. Witnesses joyously recollected how three of the bears then picked up doggy bag remains and took them back to a 'concrete den'.

Wiping Barbary testicles off of his eyebrows, a park attendant told the press: "In an area where Sloth bears, great apes and Barbary macaques have coexisted peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday." The attendant was later shot dead by rangers for 'stating the obvious' in such an officious and boring manner. In spite of the overwhelming popularity of the bear v monkey fight, the park has now made plans to move the animals to seperate ends of the park.

Elephant Refuses To Exercise

Maggie, one of the world's fattest elephants in captivity, has refused to take part in weight loss programmes to shift that extra tonnage. The centre of this new regime has been a $100,000 treadmill, which in real money is about £65,000 or a two bedroom flat in Hull.

The bastards at the zoo where Maggie lives decided this torture would be better for her than relocation to another place with other elephants in a warmer climate. "Wankers," Maggie told mooky.net. "The lot of them... if they think I'm going to play their silly games, they can think again."

So far Maggie has point blank refused to use the treadmill. Although she enjoys toying with the zoo staff. Occasionally she'll make out like she's about to go up on it, watch the keepers get excited and then climb off again. More often than not Maggie will follow up this tactic by dropping a massive pile of stinking chud that one of the "fuckers has to clean up."

"They're so easy to wind up..." Maggie chuckled as she gorged herself on watermelon, apples, carrots, peanuts in the shell, banana slices, sweet potatoes and pizza.

Piano Climbs Ben Nevis

A piano's dreams to become the first big instrument to scale Britain's tallest moutain Ben Nevis came to a sad end today. The piano was found in 'poor health' shivering under a pile of rocks, and missing its trademark keyboard. A conservation group, who discovered the piano, "couldn't believe their eyes" when they saw it.

A cookie wrapper with an expiry date of December 1986 could have been the last thing the piano ate before being stranded for twenty years. "I won't give up," the piano said. "I'll be back next year, or the year after that... you see if I'm not..." The conservation group then broke the piano into pieces saying they couldn't be assed to push the "bloody weirdo" all the way down the moutainside.

Doherty Squirts Blood At Cameraman

Drug-faced Doherty is up to usual antics. This time he squirted his own disgusting blood at a camerman during an interview with MTV, following a gig in Berlin. The Sun claims fans saw him jacking up just before the band went on stage, apparently unconcerned that people were watching. The spurt was completely unexpected as Doherty whipped out a syringe filled with his own blood and unleashed liquid STD all over the cameras.

"That was a wicked shot, that's going to make a cracking link that is" the Babyshambles frontman giggled. He then walked out of the interview leaving fellow band members and MTV staff alike utterly bemused. "I think the interview is over my friend. I'm really sorry about that mate" said McConnell, who either plays the guitar or the drums.

Immigrants Out

"Get out! Go on, the lot of you! Forget political asylum... death threats or being tortured... sod off home!" PM Tony Blair shockingly announced today, or words to that effect. Apparently the gaffer of Downing Street is sick of immigrant crims "taking the piss."

The about turn in policy will surprise many Labour fans who only recently saw Charles Clarke letting immigrant offenders stroll freely around the streets, doing as they pleased. Blair, who could be on the verge of losing it, is thought to have been pressured into the outburst after other politicians accused him of being in love with foreigners, especially male ones.

We asked Big Chudder pig Jade what she thought about the situation. "Nah! The queen's probably right, innit," she told us slavering over an ice-cream that had mostly gone down her front. "Jeff's an ignorant..." She then stared at us blankly for five minutes before saying she needed to go "wee-wee" and could we help?

Whisky Merchant Ends Drought Fears

A whisky merchant in Aberdeen, who claimed to have solved Britain's growing fears about drought, has been revealed as a shamster. In a revelation that seemed as ground breakingly genius as former Home Office Charles Clarke's approach to prison overcrowding, merchant boss Euan Shand revealed the details of his scheme: "We have plenty of surplus whisky barrels... maybe thousands of them... which could be used to collect water... they could be sold in garden centers..."

After staring at Mr Shand for a moment in speechless bemusement we asked him where the water would come from. "Rainwater," he boldly said, beaming from ear to ear, and pointing to the sky like a small child. "People collect rainwater in them and use that to wash their cars or water their gardens..." It was difficult for mooky.net to establish whether Mr Shand had been drinking or not. Although we were quickly becoming inebriated ourselves just from the fumes wafting off his kilt.

We attempted to explain the reservoir system to Mr Shand i.e. how rainwater limited the risk of a drought, but he stuck his fingers in his ears, started singing and shouting "I canna hear ye, I canna hear ye." As we turned to walk away, Mr Shand pursued us. "Alright then," he said. "Get the water out of a tap..." We thought we had left Mr Shand behind, but as we closed the doors to the mooky.net news van he was staring in at us like a psycho. "Ye can get the water from the sea," he said. "There's loads of it there. Ye can drink it, and do your toilet in it." We tried to avoid running Mr Shand down on our way out of his scrap of land, but couldn't help it.

Bloke Buys Kids

Single millionaire Ian Mucklejohn decided he wanted children in his life without the hassle of having a woman. So he slipped off to the US, found a couple of willing freaks, who could be easily bought, and got the ball rolling. A combination of his sperm, one surgically enhanced blonde's eggs, and some rough mule to carry the kids to term - and before you can say 'illegal practice in Britain' - Ian had triplets. At a total cost of £50,000 each kid cost about £16,500 in hard currency.

Ian said he could have just found any old bird to knock up in the UK, but felt going overseas and paying women to spawn his mini-me's was far more ethical and morally justifiable. The triplets are now five years old. Ian is adamant they don't need a mother in their lives. "I can be both their mum and dad," he said wearing a dress and fake breasts. "I am the anchor in their lives. That's not to say having a mother isn't a great thing, but as long as I am doing my best by them I don't think they are missing out. I knew I could combine both genders, and do constantly with the boys. I give them lots of cuddles and then play football in the garden with them."

But Ian didn't get rich enough to buy children without being a realist. He took them over to the US recently so they could check out how and where they were created. They also got to meet the women who made them. The egg donor was indifferent, but available for future work. The woman who carried them sobbed her fat eyes out in an overly-sentimental way, screamed for her babies and had to be calmed with candy. As for the kids? According to Ian, who has already made back his £50 grand by writing a book about the whole affair, they didn't have much interest in the women before and don't now. Clever, little buggers know who's got the money.

Ho Saved By Bra Strap

A 44 year old woman narrowly escaped a serious gunshot wound because of her thick bra strap. Thanks to the size of the woman's breasts, she was wearing a reinforced bra to handle the mammoth weight. So when the bullet came through the window, the copper jacketed .38 calibre just pinged off her like she was Batfink.

The red-faced sheriff, who had inspected the woman after the shooting, didn't say "That woman has her lovely, big round titties to thank for saving her some unpleasantness, boy." He then spat a string of tobacco juice at mooky.net's feet like some primeval, territorial challenge. When asked about the fresh stain around his crotch area, the sheriff refused to comment and then threatened to run us out of town.

The woman was confused as to why anyone would want to shoot her. Although it happened in Florida, there are rumours that large breasted women may have become the latest target of mental shooters. The woman is being treated for mild bruising caused by the sheriff's overzealous fumbling. Her exact chest measurements are not known.

The Most Manly City In The World

Ozzy Osbourne, UB40, Ocean Colour Scene, J R R Tolkein... what do they all have in common? Why they’re all massive wankers of course! No no, not in the bad way, in a good way. Google have released search engine evidence (the most iron clad there is) that shows Brummies type ‘porn’ into their search engines more than any other city in the world.

Cadburys, Birmingham’s most famous confectioners, have indicated that they may launch a brand new chocolate bar in response to these findings. ‘Flange and Baps’ hopes to lure in new eaters with a free ‘fun size’ porn mag stashed under every wrapper. With Manchester in second place, followed by Brisbane, Perth, Sydney and Melbourne, a whole spate of exotic new products are expected to hit the shelves. Gun Holsters made out of tit, vegemite sex spread. Sally from Home & Away is rumoured to be so sexually excited by the news she may even make another ‘home video’.

Drunk Student Out Of His Tree

A student at Gloucestershire College of Arts and Technology was rescued from a tree by firefighters yesterday. The student who got shitfaced on cheap booze somehow managed to climb 100 ft up before falling asleep on a branch.

When he woke in the morning he was greeted with more than the usual regret about what he'd done the night before. Luckily he had his mobile phone with him and called the fire brigade. The firemen spent a good hour or so pointing, taking pictures and laughing before finally helping the student down using a high tech system of weights and pulleys.

"He was a bit quiet when he came down and a bit embarrassed," Nigel Limbrick of the Gloucestershire FD said. "I think he got a bit cold up there. He only had his jeans and T-shirt on and he must have had quite a hangover."

Paramedics treated the daft twat for scratches, but not much else. They decided not to tell the dazed lad that his limp penis was poking out like a shy prawn from his jeans, concluding that the student had tried to have a wank before passing out.

Man With No Legs Scampers Up Everest

47 year-old Mark Inglis made it to the top of Mount Everest yesterday, an incredible feat for a man with two prosthetic legs. Mark lost his real legs to frost bite on a previous, much less exciting mission. The adventurous New Zealander called his boring wife, Anne, on a mobile phone when he reached the summit. “He’s dreamed of this all his life, probably. He’s over the moon” she told a local newspaper. Mark couldn’t explain his wife’s peculiar use of the word ‘probably’ but a guide reported that he has been keenly ‘plotting her death’ since the start of the descent.

The journey nearly met with disaster when one of Mark’s carbon-fibre legs snapped at 6,400 metres. Using bubblegum, shoelace and ‘spare parts’ he managed to repair the leg. Somewhat inappropriately, imperial measurements reveal that Mark had to climb over 29,035 ‘feet’ to get to the top.

Geri Haliwell Produces Something Other Than Shit

Like some foul Leprechaun squatting over a pot of gold, Geri Haliwell, former Spice Girl, has given birth. The shoutey-faced redhead popped a baby girl out of her stomach on Sunday a bit like a busty, earth-bound Ripley. Geri's 6 week fling (the father) did not attend the birth. She felt that Sacha Gervaise, a screen producer and recovering drug addict, would not make a good role model. He was kicked out of Bush after OD’ing on Ecstasy during a live performance. Gnarly.

In a touchingly maternal speech Geri barked: “I’m just hoping this child is more an angel than a devil’s child. To think that it might one day go to the equivalent of the raves I went to, or drive away my car without permission, just like the way I took my dad’s, is horrifying.” Surprisingly Geri stopped there and failed to recall her history of rampant whoring, starvation and drug-abuse.

Best Place In The World Also Loneliest

Dubbed by the Economist as having the best quality of life of anywhere in the world you wouldn’t expect Ireland, that lush green land of rolling hills and perpetual rain, to be the ‘loneliest’. Google Trends, the branch of Google that analyses search term statistics, have found that internetters in Ireland enter the word “lonely” into Google more than any other country in the world. Australia, New Zealand and Singapore also featured highly in the lonely charts, although somewhat strangely, Singaporeans also had the highest count of “happiness” searches.

The Irish government refused to comment, saying that publishing the results of the survey would only lead to an increase in masturbation, self-loathing and obesity. A Singaporean representative reported that the results made him feel both ‘detached’ but ‘happy’ at the same time.

Tiny Man Stuck In Chimney

A 25 year-old homeless man spent the night stuck in a chimney in Hell’s Kitchen, New York yesterday. Despite weighing in at a jockey-friendly 8.5 stone, the 5ft 2’ titch got 'hemmed in' after passing through 4 storeys of soot and dead pigeon. In a genital-touchingly exciting escape from the police, Serafin Sanchez dived headfirst into the 1ft square chimney passage. “All you could see was eyeballs and teeth” said the local copper, rocking backwards and forwards with amusement.

The owner of the house, Dominique Singer, alerted the authorities after she heard his sickening whimpers 6 hours later. “He came straight down that chimney like Santa Claus” she squeaked. Her good humour was soon to turn to abstract rage. Glossing over the fact that she’d narrowly avoided rape and pillage at the hands of a homeless Ompah Lumpah, the FDNY demanded she shut off her boiler and get the chimney repaired within 16 days - or face a fine. With a repair bill topping $3,000, Singer is looking to line the inside of her chimney with razorblades and human shit.

Causing A Blaze On MySpace

Two 17 year olds have been arrested on 22 charges of arson in the suburbs of Washington. The petchulant arsonholes were discovered when they bragged about their endeavours on MySpace.com. Speaking exclusively to the world's media, county Fire Chief Thomas W.Carr Jr. said: "The significant thing is they posted on the Internet, and bragged about the fires, and that certainly allowed us to break the case... They posted photos of these fires." After pausing momentarily to spit out a mouthful of beef jerky, he went on to say: "them dang boys be pishing me off, god dang little shee-ats... naw hand me that thur boddle of Jack, there's some ho's that wanna see ma hose... he he... [burp]"

A valuable lesson has been learnt by criminals throughout the web. Posting pictures of yourself on MySpace setting things on fire is a crime. Posting pictures of yourself gazing nonchalently into the middle distance, with perfect bed hair and your mouth 'sexily' agog, is not considered a crime.

Beethoven's Hairy Jewels

A company in Chicago have just announced that they're going to forge a diamond made from Beethoven's hair. LifeGem Memorials have been making diamonds out of corpses since way back in 2002 and now they've found a way to create diamonds out of hair. The first participant in this worthwhile and non-creepy process is Ludwig van Beethoven. A complete psychopath man called John Reznikoff posesses several locks of Luddy's hair and has agreed to rummage through reams of dismembered body parts, phlegm and goblin faeces to find them 10 strands.

Using an incredibly dull process that involves carbon bonding and 'intense pressure and heat', the 10 hairs can be made into three diamonds. LifeGem plan to take these diamonds on a tour of opera houses and musuems around the world, before they're ruthlessly pawned off at auction. Beethoven was asked to comment but couldn't hear the question because he was dead. It's funny really because even if he'd been alive he wouldn't have been able to hear the question. What a bloody waste of time that would have been.