Buy A Ford For Just Three Billion Dollars!

Through a machiavellian display of strong leadership and racism, 492 year old bifocal wearer Robert Mugabe has successfully steered Zimbabwe to 1000% inflation. The joke on the Zimbabwean street is that it's actually cheaper to wipe your chudder with $100k notes than it is with chud paper (which costs roughly $200k). It has been speculated that the dramatic rise in cash millionaires has been down to the government's pragmatic policy of farm burning and foreign aid squandering. Tobacco production fell from 250 million kg in 1999 to a predicted 45 million kg by the end of 2006.

Smokers are 'dissapointed'. "It's bad enough having to fork out the best part of a million for a raspberry frupaccino these days, without everyone being tight with their ciggies" spluttered a local milliner. The president's wife, Grace Mugabe, who's has the second highest spending record at Harrods (£11m in one sesh) is said to be calm but stable. However, not willing to take any chances with her stress levels, the president has kindly promised to rig all future elections.

Underground Foot Chomper Arrested

Feet. They’re often covered in dry skin, yellow nails and red abrasions. Joseph Weir from Brooklyn likes to lick them. The 23 year old was arrested after he ‘attacked’ a woman on the subway in Manhattan. In the handwritten deposition he gave to the police, he admitted he'd tongued the stinking feet of more than 70 women in the past three years.

What Weir calls ‘kiss, fondle’ and ‘lick’, the police are terming ‘forcible touching, sex abuse and unlawful imprisonment’. Just to clarify, the ‘imprisonment’ part alludes to his cuddly penchant for grabbing hold of women’s legs and 'not letting go'. When asked to recount a typical exchange with his victims, Weir explained:

“I get on my knees, bow, grab their feet, kiss them. I grab their hand and tell them ‘You’re so beautiful. I’m not worthy’.” He went on to say that his primary motivation was always to ‘get to know’ the women. The toe lover then frowned thoughtfully, cried a little bit, and remembered how they would often recoil in disgust at his salivary attempts to “taste and touch them”.

Joseph, a people person, flabbergasted reporters when he revealed that he was still living at home with his mum, dad and two sisters. The Weir family, who attended the press call wearing ski socks and fishing waders, are supporting Joseph. “I don’t mean to hurt no body” said Weir, who lost his job working for a ‘sightseeing company’. I imagine the exit interview went something like this:

“Jo”
“Yes”
“You’re a wrong ‘un aren’t you Jo?”
“Yes boss.”
“Jo”
“Yes”
“Pull down my trousers and suck it like it’s a big toe.”

Prince Banged Up

Fat faced former boxing champ Prince Naseem Nas Hamed has been jailed for dangerous driving today. The 32 year old is facing a 15 month stretch after causing a big bad crash, which left another driver seriously injured. Nas, best known for his back-flips into the ring and leopard print shorts-cum-loincloths, was driving his £325,000 McLaren-Mercedes at 90mph when he smashed the fuck out of a Volkswagen Golf. And then pounded the buggery out of a Ford Mondeo. Nas denied purposefully driving into cars shitter than his own.

The force of the impacts was made worse by the fact that Nas has become quite porky in recent months. No longer a featherweight, he is now in the Fat Bastard category. His recent blubber gain has been put down to Nas' strict adherence to the Jade Goody athletes training schedule - part of his planned boxing comeback announced in November 2005. The amusingly named Judge Goldsack said Nas was a stupid chud who couldn't drive and deserved to be banged up good and proper. He went on to say that the jail term would also be good for the fat man's health.

"They like 'em chubby in nick," Goldsack said stroking himself. "You'll be one of t' favourites." Nas' wife, Eleasha, who came free with the car looked relieved at the ruling.

"Let's see how you like being bummed by some sweaty, overweight bloke who smells night after night," no one heard her say as Nas was taken away crying like a bitch.

Toilets Disorientate Beautiful People

Garnier Supermodel Tatyana Simanava gave penises a shock on Wednesday when she tumbled off a moving bus, narrowly avoiding death... or worse, disfigurement. The 21 year old Russian was on her way to Staten Island for a photo shoot when she had to make a toilet break. When she emerged from the luxurious ‘living space’ bathroom, instead of going left to the main seating area, she turned right and walked straight out of the bus. A traffic cop at the scene suggested “she got disorientated” after leaving the bathroom. Following the incident the disorientated girl's agency (Next Models) have begun work converting their 12 story offices into a village of doorless bungalows, in an attempt to avoid any unsavoury repeats.

According to the driver, the bus was travelling at 40mph down the Gowanus Expressway when the blonde gazelle flew gawkily out of the exit door. Tatyana's pavement embrace left her with a smashed arm, dislocated shoulder and slightly shredded face. A straight-talking policeman sniffed: “She’s lucky she wasn’t killed… she could have easily gotten run over”. Tatyana has been unable to comment but did pout beautifully from her hospital bed. A spokeswoman for Garnier added rather unnecessarily: “to be honest we couldn’t really give a Fructis”.

Tortoise Back Home With Loved Ones

Horace the tortoise was returned to his loving family today after going missing for eight months. He was found wandering in a daze almost two miles from his home on the outskirts of Cardiff. Incrediby Horace had avoided the usual dangers of being run over by a car, eaten by a local or savaged by wild animals. Horace first went missing back in August last year. He had been allowed out to play in the backgarden by his owner. She turned her back for five minutes and Horace was gone - an incredible turn of speed considering he could n't do two miles in almost three quarters of a year, but allegedly true.

The family was overjoyed to get Horace back, who had been micro-chipped. The RSPCA officer who found him staggering around the middle of the nearby road scanned the little fellow and discovered where he lived. Tears of joy streaming down his hairy cheeks the do-gooder relayed how beautiful the reunion was. "Like Jesus being back with God probably..." he said before eating a fly.

But Horace, who has been with the family since he was very young, paints a very different picture to the domestic bliss portrayed by his owners: one of abuse and humiliation. Talking exclusively to Mooky.net Horace revealed life as it really is with the family. He told how he was often turned on his back at drunken, sex parties and left for hours with his little legs flapping in the air to the amusement of sick guests... How rocks were painted to look like female tortoises to trick him into performing lewd acts, which he alleges were secretly filmed by his owner and then circulated on the internet... The constant insults about how turtles were more fun... But what is probably at the route of Horace's decision to run away, was the way he felt unappreciated. "There was no love," Horace said, his small eyes filling with tears. "I thought that maybe if I ran away, they'd regret how they've treated me... but I was only two miles away so they can't have looked very hard, can they? I just don't see the point of carrying on..."

When asked where he'd been for the past eight months Horace said sharply "I don't want to talk about it." We later discovered that a tortoise matching Horace's description had been spotted touting rough trade on the road to Cardiff to lonely lorry drivers while off his wrinkled face on a combination of crack and special brew. When we left Horace begged us to take him with us. But frankly we found his presence quite depressing and a little unsavoury. His owner also seemed a convincing enough liar that we believed her over the little tortoise, when she said it was all nonsense. "Horace is very much a part of the family like the television or microwave." As the door of the happy home closed behind us we heard the banshee cry of a woman scorned followed by the plaintive cries that could only have come from Horace. Welcome home little tortoise man.

You’re Fi… Not As Fat

Cuddly Amstradian bear, Sir Alan Sugar, had to make his final decision on ‘The Apprentice’ last night. The competition was stiff with both girls offering a unique set of desirable talents. It was Michelle’s “110%” against Ruth’s “complete package”. After a task that would have no bearing on the outcome, Sugar sat down with the two girls and pretended to listen to what they had to say. As soon as Ruth had finished shouting at him like an aroused matron he turned to Michelle and revealed: “you’re less annoying”.

Michelle Dewberry, who will paid to sit in a room on her own masturbating in front of video cameras, was delighted: “I’ll be honest, cos like I didn’t think like, I’d ged it. I reckon it’s cos of me tits. That fat bird were a mooch betta seller than me, but she was rough innit.”

The lesbonic Badger, who’s age no-one can quite place, was visibly distraught and blushed so brightly that her cheek warmth actually set fire to Sugar’s pube head. As the final credits rolled Sayed and Paul can be seen pissing on his head. Somewhat inexplicably, they then had a willy swordfight which ended the series with a real climax. Tuan hung back not wishing to get too involved: “I’m more of a planner” he explained.

Penisless Man Kept In Suspense

It’s the age old story isn’t it? You sit down at your computer, rattle out a personal ad, put it out into the world and wait. A few days later the responses start to trickle through. Fat, thin, old, young; you name it, they’re all there. One or two of them really fit the bill. Hey this could actually work! After settling on that special person you make the call and plan a rendezvous. The door bell's ringing - they’ve arrived...

It’s going well; you’ve shared a bottle of wine, laughed at each other’s jokes and there's been oodles of playful touching. It’s time to take the plunge. You both lean in for the kiss. It’s so passionate. Could this be any more perfect?

“Where is it, where is it?” you huff as you rummage frantically through cupboards and drawers, desperate not to waste another second. “Ah, there it is”. After breathing a sigh of relief, you slowly head south, eager to start penetration. Stretching the man’s penis taut, you deftly lop it off with a knife and fling it into a frying pan.

As the two of you stand in kitchen side by side, you feel consumed by a great warmth as you gaze lovingly at the buttered knob that's sizzling and spitting in the pan. The warmth suddenly overwhelms the eunuch, who crumples to the floor, drenched in cock blood. What a shame he won’t be able to sit down with you and eat his own penis. Never mind, just lay him down gently, kiss him on the lips and slit his throat.

Misunderstood willy-eater Armin Meiwes is in court for the second time today to defend his 'consentual cannibalism’. The previous sentence of 8 years has now been deemed too brief by the German Supreme Court. Meiwes, who videotaped the whole adventure and kept souvenir schnitzel wraps of the victims body parts, is said to be ‘disappointed’. Rightly so. Footage from the feast showed Meiwes suspending his victim on a meat hook and musing: "The next one must be young but not so fat". Neighbouring prisoners are said to be 'clambering' over one another to share a cell with Meiwes, who's considered 'a good laugh'.

BNP Man Denies Porn Past

Newly elected BNP coucillor Richard Barnbrook has hit back at his involvement in gay porn film 'HMS Discovery: A Love Story'. Barnbrook fumed it's "art... not bloody porn"... in the same way I do when trying to persuade my girlfriend into watching the adult channel with me or when my mum found my spunk mag stash.

Barnbrook who won a seat in the uber tolerant enclave of Barking and Dagenham along with ten other BNP candidates, was clearly angry and embarassed. He said the "art" film was produced in the 1980's, possibly an explanation in itself, and it all happened when he was a student, and presumably needed the money.

Mooky.net has not seen the film, but according to a source who has it shows long scenes of men undressing and fondling each other, full-frontal nudity and a naked man apparently performing a sex act on another. There's some group flagellation as well. It is easy to see how Barnbrook's masterpiece could be confused as something viewed by people behind closed curtains pulling their chuds. In any event Barnbrook refuses to discuss the porn film any further and clearly wants to concentrate on his racist, sorry nationalist, political career.

eBay Imbecile

A thief who left barcodes and shop labels on goods he'd nicked to fence on sprawling internet giant eBay admitted yesterday he was "pigshit thick". Paul Fegan, 39, had nicked 40 pairs of designer frames, worth £125 each, from Specsavers in Newry's Buttercrane Shopping Centre. Apparently Fegan wore all the frames out of the shop at the same time. When stopped by the rent-a-cop hanging around the exit Fegan explained he was extremely short sighted and sent on his way. Staff did n't seem to notice the fact their shop, which had been fully stocked seconds before, was suddenly empty.

Some gypsy who bought one set of frames took them down his local eye shop to have the dummy lenses replaced with the bottoms of milk bottles. The staff became suspicious and Fegan soon found himself on the wrong side of a police bust. A raid on his corrugated steel shack revealed 725 pairs of shoes, couterfeit DVD's and CD's, and 2, not 1 but 2, digital cameras nicked from a local primary school. What a bastard!

Fegan has been refused bail on the grounds he is a crim. His defence lawyer did n't seem surprised or particularly bothered as he cashes in either way. Fegan will probably be sent down for his sins tomorrow. He is expected to enjoy a few years of institutional sodomy on a 24/7 basis. Vision Express, who make bendy frames, were not approached for comment.

Pigs Nick Themselves

Hertfordshire police were forced to arrest each other today after an offensive e-mail circulated amongst the self righteous pigs came to light. The e-mail, highly offensive and racist, had officers and staff laughing their heads off. It showed the body of a black man who had decapitated himself while being chased by the boys in blue. The caption read 'Don't Run From The Police'.
Unfortunately the force's own internal IT systems picked up on the e-mail. Within seconds sirens were sounded and officers were turning their extendable batons on one another with complete abandon - the likes of which has n't been seen since the Miners' Strike.

Some officers have lodged complaints against their colleagues for excessive use of force, 'police brutality', but quickly closed ranks against themselves ensuring the cases could not proceed.
Crime in the area has spiralled out of control while the local law waits to be bailed. Unfortunately, according to a civilian support staff who doesn't work there in any capacity, "the custody sergeant's locked himself in one of the cells so there's no one to let the others out."
Whether the case will go to court or not is unclear as the officers who are interviewing themselves refuse to give statements.

Inefficient Suicide Attempt Unacceptable

A 47 year old German is being taken to court by the Munich Authorities for ‘damages’, after he failed to commit suicide. The manically depressed, sauerkraut-chomping tinker launched himself into a fast moving train hoping that the sheer impact would kill him. Unfortunately Herr Whatever had failed to account for his leopard like leaping skills. Like a bionic ninja, the majestic dive sent him careering through the side window and straight into the driver’s cabin. The man reportedly suffered only ‘slight head wounds’ from the crash. The window is said to be ‘dead’.

The jumper has since been taken to court ‘for reasons of equity’, with the authorities demanding 4,200 euros to pay for ‘part of the damage’. There was raucous laughter in the court room as all eyes turned to the dastardly diver, who wept pathetically as he hurriedly crushed 42 sleeping pills into a fine powder.

The train driver, who’s still in trauma, told a local newspaper: “well he’s a fucking fare dodger innit. Put me right off me 11 o’clock wank.”

Bank Withdrawals: Child's Play

Three kids aged between 13 and 14 have been arrested for robbing a ‘string of banks’ in Vancouver, North-North America. No weapons were used in the heists and none of the rascals had any previous criminal records. Bank customers are said to be ‘upset’ that their cash can be robbed quite so easily by a handful of unarmed children.

Celine Adams, who was present at a couple of the robberies, said she was ‘impressed’ by the young criminals’ coercion technique. “When the tiller refused to hand over any cash, one of the little chaps told him: ‘my dad’s bigger than yours and he’s got a knife. If you’re not careful he’ll beat you up!’ After that it everyone collectively shat themselves and did exactly as they were told. I think they’re great, I’m gonna tour with them next year – if they haven’t been gunned down by then that is! he he.”

The Mountie, who eventually arrested the kids, shook his head and wistfully commented: “They’re off to a heck of a start”. He then leapt onto his horse and rode deep into the sunset whistling the theme tune from Requiem For A Dream.

Birmingham Post Apologies to Shetlanders

The Birmingham Post, circulation 327, apologised today for an article it published stating Shetland was the most depressing place in the British Isles. 'Shitland' as the ass end of Scotland is known by some brummies, was mortified to discover:

1) Birmingham had a paper
2) Shetland was mentioned in it
3) Anyone on the island could read anything other than celtic runes

The fact that the Post had published the article without the writer having ever stepped foot on 'Shitland' only added insult to injury. In response one native, wearing blue and white facepaint and the hide of a wolf, said that Birmingham struck him as one of the dullest places on earth. He went on to say that if the weather was better then the island would be perfect. In a similar way one imagines that if there was more daylight in Finland then the suicide rate might be lower.
Mooky.net can see how anyone in Birmingham, by far one of the most cosmopolitan and uplifting cities in the world, would see the remote island as depressing.

However the Post is clearly keen to avoid this war of worlds escalating into a Braveheart style confrontation. An envoy has been dispacthed to the island to write a more balanced piece on 'Shitland' as an apology for the offending article. The unlucky bastard will reportedly have to swim the last part of the journey because motorised vehicles in that part of the world are perceived as the devil's work. Once there it is expected he will be burnt in a Wickerman on the eve of the next Pagan festival.

Oops I'm Pregnant Again

Spotty pop princess Shitney Beers revealed to David Letterman viewers last night that she is pregnant again. And there we were thinking she'd just got fat - again.

Couch potatoes across the country yawned in unison as the whingey attention seeker relayed the news.

K-Fed sadly couldn't attend the show due to 'spending his wife's money' and 'masturbating' committments. However, his publicist was able to report that he's feeling 'confident' that the child is his. Britney, 14, has already begun preparations for the new arrival. Yesterday she was spotted treating first-born, Sean Preston, to his first Tenants Super. Meanwhile Kev has been practising his nappy technique by tying her breasts into bows.

Liberty X Smoked

Crap band Liberty X were smoked off stage yesterday (or maybe it was the day before). The losers from Chud Idol whose pop future is in freefall were meant to be performing at a University in Wales. But fortunately a public minded soul chucked a smoke grenade forcing the fuckers off stage. The 'X' who got too big for their boots after lasting marginally longer than Hear'Say, shat their pants and refused to come back out to play. Scenes of over inflated egos throwing tantrums spring to mind.

Mooky.net tried to reach rent-a-chav Michelle Heaton for comment, but did n't put much effort into it. Michelle, the most high profile member of the "band", can usually be relied upon to appear on every lame ass "celebrity" reality show there is. But she was strangely quiet after this incident. No doubt if she had opened her large, crass mouth whatever came out would have been self-indulgent tripe, whining something about terrorists.

We can only imagine work-shy boyfriend Andy Scott Lee lying to Heaton's stupid sobbing face telling her how brave she is while stroking her hairy forearms. The other members of the band would most likely have hovered in the background feeling relieved they had blagged their way out of the show, but bitter towards Heaton who might have more money than them. However what needs to be taken into account is that Heaton is now also supporting her boyfriend's sister Lisa Scott Lee, similarly spoilt pop failure and classless pig, who lost her career when Steps split up.

Students admitted later that they were only waiting for the one and only Chesney Hawkes in any event. Chesney came on and once more reaffirmed his legendary status playing another blinding set. Police are n't investigating the incident, but if they were they might consider looking at the members of Liberty X, whose motive would have been to get paid for doing sod all, or someone in the audience who hates them.

Forget MILF. Try PILF

Mum’s you’d like to fuck are so 1999. Move over fertile sprog producers and make way for the flaccid and dry holed – it’s the golden age of pensioners! A poll by Virgin Money has revealed that Sean Connery and Helen Mirren are the sexiest pensioners in Britain. Mirren who's 92 and hasn’t worn clothes for 60 years now, was thrilled by the news: “I get my flappy boobs and muff trumpet out at every opportunity, but I really didn’t think anyone had noticed!”

Connery was less enthusiastic. Taking time out from pummelling his ex wife in the face with a crowbar, he mused: “Hoo tha hull did that wee turd with the saggy face get a huld of Catherine Zeta Jones? Aye’d gut to hur furst in that shite film wiv all the lasery things. If ay ever see that wee burn again ay’ll giv hur what for.”

At the other end of the scale were Margaret Thatcher and Esther Rantzen, who came joint bottom in the poll. Thatcher’s continued voice training has left her voice so low that only whales could hear her comment, so daughter Carol answered by dancing a jig and clapping maniacally. When interviewed, Rantzen reportedly whispered - while opening her veins in the bathtub - "I'm sooo lonel..." [thump]

Dolphin Dave

A bunch of Scots trying to pass themselves off as scientists today revealed that dolphins communicate like people using their own names. The tartan eggheads from St Andrew's University (probably one of those former polytechnics posing as a place of higher learning) reckon the dolphins also see one another as individual entities, with different behavioural traits and stuff. Dr Vincent Janik, who is not a proper doctor and probably not scottish either, was one of the blokes involved in the excuse for a three year piss-up in Florida where the "study" took place. When the poly threatened to pull their funding the group, who had achieved bugger all for two years and eleven months, panicked.

"We captured wild dolphins using nets when they came near the shore," Janik said laughing evilly, "then we interrogated them mercilessly using advanced torture techniques. Finally one of the bottlenose twats cracked. He told us enough for us to justify the past three years of sunning our white asses and drinking watered down beer."

But what exactly did the poor dolphin tell the evil doctor?

"That they have names for each other... it means that these animals have evolved the same abilities as humans. Now we know they have labels for each other like we do."

Presumably then dolphins also call each other things like shitter, cunt, bastard, bitch and mate. And no doubt some dolphins are hated, loathed or ignored as miserable wankers. Perhaps some dolphins even swim the long way round to avoid an awkward social engagement with a dolphin they really have nothing to say to. And of course these mammals no doubt bitch and backstab one another constantly as us humans do... usually in an office kitchen, smoking area or bar environment. From Mooky.net's point of view though this news is dissappointing. Dolphins are constantly hyped as being more intelligent than humans. The least we expect is that they know each other's fucking names.

Prescott Having Sex: Illegal

A retired Glaswegian police officer has sent a letter to Scotland Yard suggesting that Prescott's hip thrusting is in fact 'illegal'. I think we can all echo these sentiments. The image
of 'two jags' punching her in the face and splurging his deputy juice into her eyes is definitely offensive, a bit like fat beastiality.

However, mooky.net can't help but feel that Alistair Watson, who claims his complaint was 'no malicious thing', is being malicious. A man who writes to the chief commissioner of the police to get someone told off for having sex must surely be suffering from an unhappy penis. Prescott, who burped and farted when he heard the news, is expected to respond to the complaint with his fists.

Wave Bye Bye To Ugly Parents

Parent's Day in South Korea was particularily special for the fat and wrinkly this time around. Children throughout the country splurged millions of pounds worth of cosmetic surgery on their ugly, pig-faced parents. The number of Parent's Day procedures have increased by over 50% in the last 5 years. Parents are said to be 'fucking thrilled'.

Mrs Lee Shin-ja received a coupon from her children for laser surgery to remove her disgusting liver spots. The 62 year old spluttered, "I never thought my children would do this, I am really happy they did". In the words that didn't follow she added, "those ungrateful vain fucks that I shat out of my front bottom, are going to pay for what they've done. Maybe I'll pay for my fat bitch daughter to have a botched lipo in North Korea."

Doherty Is A Bloody Artist

Massive skag-head Pete Doherty DOESN’T pump brown into the collapsed veins of his semi-conscious fans. Just last week The Sun printed pictures of the singer plunging a hypodermic needle into 21 year old Laura McEvoy’s pale, twitching arm. Thankfully honest Pete has come up with a bullet-proof explanation. For “a long time” now he has been creating “blood paintings”. As you can see from the picture, these are highly desired pieces - a bit like shit would be if it was smeared onto paper.

It’s unbelievably bad luck that this wasn’t revealed prior to all those nasty allegations. Paul Roundhill, Doherty’s literary agent, is the proud owner of one such painting. As he sipped champagne from his yacht in St Lucia and stroked the huge bag of cash nestling on his balls he revealed:

"I picked these pictures up at his flat in Hackney… I think they help explain the photograph of Laura. It shows he does do blood paintings."

Ever since the announcement there have been reports of Doherty feverishly rubbing cheese graters and mach 5’s against his tatty arms, in an attempt to acquire ‘paint’. The singer will exhibit his work at ‘a London gallery’ in the near future and plans to charge ‘£1,000’ pounds a pop. No-one has a clue what Pete (who will have a heroin blocker transplanted into his arm next week) will inject the money on.

Bloke Lobs Cock At Pigs

Jakub Fik, the cock who threw his penis at cops, is said to be recovering nicely after the whole sorry incident last month. Fik who went on some mentalist rampage on the northwest side of Chicago cut his own penis off and threw it at his pig pursuers when they cornered him.
He had already chucked knives at the filth, but when this proved ineffective he decided the only course of action left was to throw his own dismembered member at the boys in blue.

In the confusion that followed it was hard to determine if any of the officers had caught Fik's knob before it hit the ground. Rumours that one pig waggled it in the air, tried to wipe it on his colleagues' faces and pretended it was a truncheon have proved unfounded. After their initial disgust passed the pigs took down Fik, 33, with a taser. The sergeant on the scene seemed surprised that no harm had come to Fik as a result of police brutality.

"We took him out without any serious injury," the sergeant remarked, brainlessly grinning, at the time. Mooky.net was relieved to hear this as cutting your own penis off is obviously one of those injuries that can swiftly be dealt with by applying a dab of tcp and a bandaid - like decapitation. Clearly Jakub isn't the only Fik one in Chicago.

Lobsters Nobble Thief

A young thief, probably stealing to feed his smack addiction, literally came undone when he tried stealing two live lobsters from a supermarket in Bristol. Having already taken everything of value from his grandmother's council flat, from glass ornaments to hand-sewn doillies, the crim was forced go out on the rob. He considered nicking felt tip pens and staplers from John Menzies, but realised that the real money was in lobsters. The man strode into the supermarket, grabbed two live ones and shoved them down the front of his trousers in a pathetic attempt to conceal his crime. But within seconds he was on his arse, crying like a baby and calling for his mummy.

The lobsters had gone to work on his genital area and delivered the 24 year old a vasectomy. The thief is now recovering in hospital where he is expected to stay for the next month or so. Although he will be able to do it again, his chances of being a father are slim. Although as one enlightened bigot commented "a 24 year old on the rob in Bristol is probably a grandfather by now anyways. And based on genetic science it's a blessing that the stealing chav scum can't breed. The last thing this country needs is more of his kind." The supermarket manager decided not to press charges, stating that the young man had suffered enough. He thinks the experience will reform the young man and set him on the straight and narrow.

The lobsters were unavailable for comment, having been sold and eaten soon after the incident. When mooky.net asked the store manager if it was possible that the people who ate them might also have inadvertently eaten a bit of thief bollock we were told to sod off before the supermarket rent-a-cop threw us out.

Shitty Day For Spurs

Spurs were hoping for a win at West Ham on Sunday but failed on account of 'being ill'. After dinner at their hotel (The Marriott in Canary Wharf) players suddenly found they were 'ill'. 10 first team players spent the night in their hotel rooms vomitting until the early hours of the morning. When interviewed the following day, one the hotel rooms remarked: "yeah well, it makes a change from the usual mass rape and pillage, hehe... though Carrick's chud weren't too fresh smelling - smelly bastard".

The defeat has seen Tottenham ousted from a place in the Champion's League, but manager Martin Jol was typically philosophical: "We may havsh losht, but itsh ok. We'll jusht go home, do shum drugsh, smoke shum spliffsh - hey, maybe we even watch shum porno'sh!"