Chinese Build Roboslaves

Scientists in China have just created the country's first 'Personal Robot'. Personal Robots Citizens of the People's Republic of China are said to be 'thrilled' at the news. The tin slave's name is Liangliang and he'll bumble about the place doing humaney things, like 'logging on to the internet' and 'telling it's owners about the news and weather'. To celebrate, government officials are considering uncensoring 'the news and weather'.

At three foot tall, many are speculating that 'blow jobs' will be the robots most popular function. "Provided you got very dry cock with skin like steel, there no reason not to indulge robocock-suckysucky. Jus make sure he is fully charge up!" said Jackie Chan, owner of 60 of the buggers.

Magic Midgets Help Judge To Masticate

After furiously cleaning his house, Philippino Judge, Florentino Floro pleaded with the Supreme Court to give him his old job back. Mr Floro was disbarred following a 3 year investigation, which officially revealed him to be ‘incompetent’ and unofficially revealed him to be ‘fucking insane’. Investigators discovered that the judge had been consulting three ‘mystic dwarfs’ (Armand, Luis and Angel) during breaks in session.

President Bush is rumoured to be so impressed with the system that he is installing an advisory council to the US Supreme Court consisting of three home-grown mystic dwarfs. The tiny sages will be suspended above the Manhattan Skyline using a system of ropes and pulleys. Tom Cruise, Michael J Fox and Danny Devito are said to be ‘nervous’.

Dominations Greatly Appreciated

The key to a healthy heart is to pay someone in leather to beat you, apparently. Abraham Alexander, an executive at the Manhattan Cardiovascular Research Foundation embezzled $237,162 out of charity coffers in order to fund his dominatrix addiction. The 45 year-old had been paying his bitch (Lady Sage from Ohio) up to $2,000 a pop for a 12 hour session. Alexander racked up further charges in flights and car rentals to and from Ohio, and of course on rubbery gifts from ‘Wicked Naughty Accessories’ and ‘Leather Creations’.

Weak hearted charity benefactors are said to ‘not really give a fuck’ about the extortion and complained that the 2-6 year jail conviction was ‘steep’ considering he’d been beaten up every day for the last 2 years. To add public humiliation to whip-induced injury, Alexander’s cold-hearted and boring wife has taken their two daughters out of their Long Island home and filed for divorce. When asked to comment, the charity mogul said: “is this all part of the deluxe package? I’m not paying extra for the jail scenes. Oooh I’m a bad, bad boy, beat me, step on my balls” etc.

On My Order, Unleash Beer Hell

A Hong Kongian tourist recently shat himself when he was lumbered with an enormous bar tab. He was asked to pay 990 Euros for a single beer, at a bar on Via Veneto in Rome. Clearly pissed on what must have been exquisite beer, the hapless drinker haggled the bill down to a very reasonable 490 Euros - the cash equivalent of 62 dolphin emblazoned sovereign rings.

Brilliantly, the enterprising tout charged the full 990 Euros to the tourist’s credit card anyway, no doubt readying himself for a night of hookers and crack. The fraud is now being investigated by the police who, on receipt of a hefty kickback, refused to comment.

Goody Admits High Jelly Content

Jade Goody, the failed athlete, today admitted the true reason behind her reasons for not completing the London Marathon last weekend or whenever it was. Goody, whose pure pleb lifestyle has given new meaning to casting pearls before swine, first came to fame through being ugly and fat.

Although she told craggy face cook Ramsay it was lack of training, boozing and living on a diet of take-outs her announcement today is bound to shock a handful of people. According to the repulsive hog faced ho, she could not run very well or far because her body is mostly made up of jelly. Her new breasts, arguably the crappest fake tits in the world, even came out of a pair of 1970's jelly moulds.

The fact that Goody did not understand how long a mile is, and "at most... could run half an hour on a treadmill" is probably just coincidental to the overall lack of achievement by the brainless chudhead.

Iran The World

Having totally annihilated Iraq, Bush has now firmly fixed his sights on Iran. Bringing new meaning to the Iran-Iraq conflict kicked off by his father in the nineties, little Bush is determined to fly the stars and stripes over all the Arab nations. But what, mooky.net asks, has caused such an aggressive foreign policy? With the high body-count in Iraq it's hard to argue the war there was for humane reasons. Iran is years away from posing any genuine nuclear threat so those charges seem equally redundant.

Is it his love of oil? The black gold, which can turn many a man's head to mush? Perhaps... A desire to do more collateral damage than the old man? Maybe... A very small acorn of a penis? Almost certainly a contributing factor...

But today, mooky.net, can exclusively reveal the true reasons behind little Bush's current foreign policy. From a source nearby America, we have discovered that Bush came across an I Ran The World t-shirt, and due to his complete lack of anything resembling intelligence, translated it as a sign from God reading 'Iran, The World'. He apparently believes that by taking over Iran, the world will follow.

So now the bunch of chuds who sported the t-shirt are not only liars (most of them probably ran about as far as Jade The Walrus Goody), but also war mongers. Just one more thing to thank the holier than thou crowd for.

Viking On Death Row

Penguins everywhere put on their best suits to pay their respects to Nordic adventurer, Richard Horntvedt, who died earlier today. The 67 year old’s body was found ‘tied to the keel’ of his boat by Norwegian coastguard Erlang Herstad.

The bored Nord had planned to row the entire length of Norway’s coastline, from the North Cape (deep inside the Artic Circle) to Lindesnes (somewhere Souther than that) - a journey that he proposed would take up to 90 days. Scientists insist that without specialist clothing and protection, a human can survive for ‘a matter of hours’ in cold Artic waters. Horntvedt was sadly found dead, ‘a matter of hours’ after his departure from the North Cape.

According to the local newspaper, Horntvedt revealed that he had decided not to take a life raft or survival suit with him, because of ‘space’ issues. You tell ‘em Richard. It’s no use ‘surviving’ if you got no room to swing your cock around.

Old Pervs

A 62 year old, retired school mistress, Madame Claudia Lee is fighting her cable company over a bill for $1400 worth of porn and gangsta rap. In real money that's about £900 and as anyone who watches pay per view knows, that's one chud of alot of movie filth. If, like this reporter, Lee pays monthly as well then we can only presume she would be touching herself down there almost non stop.

Lee, however, claims total innocence and says she is the victim. Her cable company, whose name we can't be bothered to look up, say that someone in her house ordered the chud. But the waters have become even more muddied as the investigation progresses. Lee, who originally refused to pay a dime, has now coughed up just under $700 (£450 in real money), which suggests she bought at least half the smut. But Lee, who also claims she lives very much alone, now says the only other person in her house is her 81 year old mother.

Mooky.net believes that there may be some shift pattern in effect between the mother and daughter team. But whatever the set-up, there is definitely something very fishy going on.

Wotsit Chudding Fine

A woman who threw a wotsit out of her car window has been fined £75.00 today. Mrs Buckland of Orchard Way, Luton, was caught throwing the cheesey puff onto the street by a council official. Within seconds armed police had surrounded her no-descript saloon, cuffed the ho, and retrieved the offending article.

A police sauce says Buckland tried to cover her ass by shifting blame to one of her kids. "She said one of the kids chucked the wotsit in her lap... she freaked out and threw it out the window... but you could see in her eyes the bitch was lying. It was up to me I'd have her carted off to Guantanamo Bay."

Originally the council official thought it was a fag butt. "I've seen quite a few fag butts in my time," the official commented, "but when I saw it close up I realised it was a puff." In any event what Buckland threw out her window is irrelevant. In the eyes of the council, it is the act of littering that needs to be cracked down on, not the form the litter takes.

"Alot of money has been spent on making Luton tidy," according to one spokesperson. No doubt Mrs Buckland's £75.00 will contribute to furthering that worthy cause, which looking around the shithole of a town at the moment, has yet to begin.

Rooney Fights Back

Last night Rooney announced that he would do whatever he possibly could to ensure he still played in England's 2006 World Cup squad. Motivated by our very own Peter Shilton, Rooney has bounced back and is ready to do more than his fair share to win us that bloody cup. It is alleged that after reading the article about Shilton's valiant efforts to lift Britain's beleaguered spirits, Rooney immediately limped into action. He sent a mini-cab from his own home to pick Shilton up and bring him up north. It is reported that both men then worked into the early hours formulating a plan to bring Rooney back to match fitness.

Speaking this morning a rather exhausted, but content, Rooney said "Pete and I worked on what needed doing. We looked at what was going on and what could still be done... he's been a real support throughout... and now I know what I need to do... I intend to stay positive."
The contribution that Shilton has made in saving England's world cup dreams of late, and the inspiration he has given Wayne, cannot be undervalued. Without Shilton England would now be in a very different, and potentially disastrous position. Mooky.net feels the Queen should give that man a medal.

$20 Wonder Boy Spunks All Over Radcliffe

Ever wondered how much it costs to buy a really fast 4 year old? $20, that’s how much. Budhia Singh from Bhubaneswar was sold by his mother for just 800 rupees at the age of one. Who snapped the little nipper up? Why a judo instructor of course. Three years of tutorage culminated yesterday when the 4 year old ran 65km (40 miles) in 7 hours and 2 mins, a feat that will be recognised in the Limca Book of Records on Thursday. Biranchi ‘Judo’ Das discovered that the boy was a fantastic runner from an early age - probably when chasing him round the room trying to trip him up.

Kill-joy child welfare committees have since suggested that sending a 4 year old boy (who’s only just got to grips with unaided shitting) on marathon runs for fame and monetary gain, might be a little ‘pushy’. Spitting his dummy out nonchalantly, Budhia said: “During my [daily] ten-hour practice, I don’t feel the pain; I enjoy it”.

Fat And Broke

MSN today announced Michelle McManus as one of the all time Top Of The Flops. Michelle won Pop Idol in 2003 and had a number one hit straight after with All This Time, but since then her career has gone flat, unlike the cholestrol chomping first lady of lard. Sympathy quickly ran out for the fat cow as the barely concealed contempt the consuming public holds for less than stunningly attractive celebrities disappeared faster than cake in Michelle's eyeline.

In spite of appearances on fatty shows like You Are What You Chud, and Celebrity Prat Club, Michelle has remained fat and broke. The money such guest spots generated failed to cover the debts caused by her on-going feeding frenzies.

Further media exposure in shite magazines where McManus openly lied about how she lost weight and was only a size 12 have been met with scorn. While MSN asks if McManus will bounce back, mooky.net hopes not. And also believes that due to the pure weight of her body mass she would not bounce anyway, but just create a meteoric crater.

Top Politician Eats Stem Cells At Source

There has been a tiny furore across the pond over allegations that Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, has been consuming babies. Electronic advertising signs on commuter trains in Toronto have been displaying the message: “Stephen Harper Eats Babies” for several days now. Stephanie Sorensen, corporate communications and media specialist for the train network revealed: “It appears that this was a case of electronic vandalism”.

The public are said to be ‘incensed’ that no-one had told them that they have a Prime Minister and that he his name is Steven Harper.

Car Kills Widow

76 year old Evanglista Vartholomeou was run down and killed by her own car while visiting her husband's grave. As soon as she stepped out of the car, it mercilessly ran her down as she stood a short distance from her hubbie's plot in Maple Grove Cemetery, Queens.

In the car's defence, Vartholomeou had left the car running and in gear. Ironically her flying visit turned out to be a dying visit. Fortunately the car was undamaged in the accident and Evanglista was quickly interned next to her husband. "It's what she would have wanted," the car later commented.

Big Ears: Not Enough Wax

Madame Tussauds has opened in Shanghai, which is great because mooky.net are always at the one in Baker Street. Sadly, and this is very sad, Prince Charles will not be featured.

Look at his little face. Why oh why?! I'll tell you why - it's because he recently described Chinese officials as "appalling old waxworks." His punishment? Not to have a shitty, inanimate lump of ear juice shoved in a museum. Sadly the rest of his family, including Diana, who's apparently dead, don't get to escape the same indignity.

Pay For Real Beer Using Virtual Skin

Now, I had a little trouble understanding this, mainly because it’s ridiculous, but here goes. You can now get a cash card that works in both a virtual gaming world and in the real world. There are huge ‘virtual world’ games out there called MMORPGs or ‘Massively Multi-Player Online Role-Playing Games’. The developers of one such world: ‘Project Entropia’, have started offering gamers a card that can be used in real life cash machines.

Unlike in the real world, money can be acquired in a number of ways on Calypso, a virtual world made up of two continents. For instance, you could be a virtual hunter and set about hacking down tiny marsupials with a 9ft machete. Depending on how drunk you are, you could then make a small, ratty Leatherface-style mask out of the skin OR you could sell it to a seamstress. The possibilities are endless. There are blacksmith’s charging people to repair weapons and even virtual estate agents. Imagine that, you escape reality because you’re a tosser, only to join an alternate one and choose to be a tosser all over again. Marvelous.

Last year Jon Jacobs or ‘Nerverdie’, as I’m sure his mum calls him, spent a whopping 1 million PEDs (the in-game currency) on a virtual space resort. That’s the equivalent of £56,200 in real money. Despite not spending his cash on a real Ferrari or 1,000 real prozzers Jon seems fairly placid. He plans develop the space station into a virtual night club through which the media can flog music and videos to gamers.

In 2005 nearly £90 million passed through the game and that is expected to more than double in 2006. Unsurprisingly some students gamers are using the virtual world as their main source of income. What the hell am I doing? I’m going to become a virtual rent-boy immediately blow and pixelly penises all over planet Calypso. I’m then going to get high on virtual crack and stick my head in virtual sand for the rest of my life.

Shilton Saves England World Cup Dreams

Wayne Rooney may not be fit to play... Michael Owen is injured... English world cup hopes lie in tatters.

At least they did until this morning when Peter Shilton emerged from decades of self-enforced exile to keep the dream alive. With a stunning display of brilliant technical insight and strategy Shilton could be the ray of light fans desperately need in this hour of darkness. Shilton admits things look bad. "Rooney and Owen are, to me, the two mainstays of the team," the former goalie said. "Without them, we could be in a bit of a mess, to be fair." Fortunately it was Shilton's following advice, that could only have come from playing for teams that never won much, that re-ignited the three lion's spirit: "we'll just have to keep our fingers crossed."

With so much at stake we can only hope Sven Goran Eriksonn is taking note of Shilton's genius advice. Indeed it is not too late to bring the soiled veteran into the English camp. A man who has the keen mind to realise that Eriksonn would only play Rooney in the tournament if he had recovered enough to play, can only be an asset at this time of need.

Blaine's Underwater Bollocks

David Blaine, the poor man's Houdini, kicked off his latest round of bollocks today. After sitting in a box above the Thames for ages he's now decided that the most interesting thing he could do is go in a big, bowl of water for seven days. After the derision and chud throwing that came from the intolerant British public, who quickly tired of watching a bloke not really moving in a box, he has wisely chosen to undertake this latest nonsense in his native New York, where the chances of him being ridiculed are slimmer. No doubt he will yet again be paid a chud load of cash for doing sweet F A.

Blaine has undergone special training for this latest stunt, which includes learning how to chud and piss in a wet-suit. Overall though mooky.net fails to see the challenge facing the boring twat. He's getting oxygen down a tube, food down a tube, a selection of wet-suits and the tempature of the water is fixed to warm... the bit about him holding his breath for nine minutes is lame. The only risk allegedly is that he might incur some brain damage, but there is ample evidence that would not make any real difference.

The final word of this reporter as well is how do we know Blaine is even in the bowl? He's meant to be an illusionist so odds are he's probably just pulling his plonk for the week at some five star hotel down the road chucking cards through windows. And if it's not a big magic trick then with a bit of luck he might sod off for good after this. Or get back in the box, Blaine.

(Ed Note: Three year olds know how to do that piss poor levitation trick. Twat.)

Hoodies 'OK' According To Divine Yoda

Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop of Yorkerbury announced yesterday that "99% of those who wear hoodies are law-abiding citizens". It's a lovely Sentamunt - but perhaps not one shared by anyone else in the world. Even when I wear a hoodie I'm prone to be a bit more criminal. Penny sweets suddenly become 'free', I'm 'not around' when it's my turn to get the beers in, I might even 'forget' to say thank you on receipt of my £6 frothy coco latte.

Quite frankly the church doc might have better instructed his Bradford laymen by saying more things like: "unless you become like a little child you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven'." That sounds much more responsible, although I think his message has confused Gary Glitter terribly.

One of the organisers, Rev Steve Allen, said after the conference: "The Archbishop's address was inspiring and we were all thrilled with his drumming."

Bacon Lovers Attempt To "Poo Water"

Hydrogen. What a strange word? Hy-Dro-Gen. Scientists have already started waxing lyrical about it's future, especially that boomey voiced man from the Honda adverts. But surely no-one really thinks that cars are going to start running off H in the next 5 years. Look at blimps, they're shit.

H2PIA in Denmark (near longboat, just off the coast of Thor) have been weaseling away at the concept of eco-living. Rather than waste time carving tree hammocks out of tooth picks and dung, they've decided to go the 'hi-tech' route. The community will be powered entirely by renewable energy sources: solar power, hydro power, the power of love. The net result? A modern utopia that excretes nothing but pure water and has the aesthetic beauty of a council estate made from glass. Building begins in 2007, which gives them time to relocate to somewhere with lower suicide rates.

Love 'Banned' In Pakistan

Well it was until yesterday. Abdul Hakeem Kashkeli and wife 'Sodi' (a pun here would just be anal) were released from jail on Saturday after 5 years incarceration for 'being in love'. The couple married against the bride's father's consent, citing 'love' as their primary motive.

It's resassuring that in 2001, the year that digital radio and disposable mobile phones were invented, love was still illegal in Pakistan. According to a recent text vote, Big Brother found that 'almost all lovers end up as murderers'. Charles Clarke could learn a thing or two from our eastern cousins. Why not have a Minority Report style special police unit? We could have teams of pre-cocks running around intercepting fluid exchanges that appear to be anything 'more than lusty'.

Sleeping In Buses: Not Just For Tramps

Buzzing trendies rolling around in their own sick, bag ladies...

Living on buses has traditionally been a 'short-term' prospect for most Londoners, until now. DDL (http://www.doubledeckerliving.com/) have just bought up a fleet of 'retired' Leyland Olympians. Incredibly these aren't used Lancastrian condoms, they're red double decker buses and they're being converted into houses. What's the point? I'm not sure. Isn't it very thin inside? Yes. But just imagine the fun you'd have telling people you lived on a bus? You could charge friends a 'fare' to come and visit. You could even tell them to stop smoking every 3 seconds using placards and recorded announcements.

A whole man or 5 pygmies can be squeezed onto each bus. The kitchen/lounge has a TV/DVD player and each sleeping area luxuriously features a single bed, lockable storage and 'a window'. I'm pretty sure these houses aren't really prisons masked as buses, but the target market of 'key workers struggling to get onto the property ladder' is nothing sort of suspicious.