John Prescott: Simply Red

We've all had time for a self-tickle over news that John Prescott's been DP-ing his frumpretary. Even more exciting, and possibly more arousing, was a recent radio interview he took part in on Bristol Community Station, Radio 19.

Typically thought of as a coal-faced Yorkshire peasant smeared in faeces and dressed in Polyester, Prescott was actually the son of Welsh railwayman. In fact his folks were deemed so 'normal' that they won £1,000 for being the "most typical British family of 1951".

The interview revealed that 'normal' Prescott has "got an ipod" and enjoys "watching films". Clearly a complex fusion of masculinity and sensitivity, two chuds' favourites include Strange Fruit by Billie Holiday and Fairground by Simply Red. The foreign film Billy Elliott, even "made me cry!" says John. But what about a film version of his life? Apparently his part would be best played by "a young Marlon Brando" - specifically not Hugh Grant. Yes, quite right John, although I would have picked Pacino myself, or maybe even Susan Sarandon.

"Chosen Men? I Didn't Choose Yer"

"Sharpe! Still the whore-mongering gutter trash of memory."

Nearly a decade since he walloped Boney (took out Napolean you perv) Sharpey's back. What, on repeat on UKTV Gold? No. ITV have managed to convince Boromir to don his tight-fitting rifleman clobber once more and head out to a region of the world even dustier than France: India.

Ah the orient...

It might have Bean a long time since the last installment, but this is better than watching Angeline Jolie, Sienna Miller and half of 'Girls Aloud' masturbating in an aquarium - which I've done twice. Whoop with joy at the leper-huggingly-brilliant bap exposing scene (think Liz Hurley, 'Sharpe's Enemy'). Gasp and hiss at Toby Stephens' excellently smarmy 'William Dodd'. Rejoice that Harper is still Irish. Snore when you learn that Salmon Rushdie's wife stars.

Crocodile Steals Chainsaw

Australia Worker Freddy Buckland was left in a state of shock today when a thieving crocodile stole his chainsaw. The crocodile, believed to be descended from gypsies, chased Freddy up a tree then made off with the tool to the local Cash Converters. The croc is apparently a regular at the plastic coated pawn brokers.

The store manager, Alf Stewart, said the croc often brought in stolen goods looking to turn them into beer money.

Freddy claims there were about ten, possibly twenty, crocodiles involved, but one shiela who witnessed the incident said "There was just the one fella and Freddy virtually gave him the chainsaw."

Local police were sourced for a comment about their plans to deal with the crocodile. Busy enjoying a barbie and some tinnies down on the local beach, the general consensus was it was too hot to be buggering about with crocodiles.

Mick Dundee, the only local who could have helped, apparently sodded off to New York with some hot blond bird years back and has n't been seen since.

Can't Stand Me Now

Shambolic babyface Pete Doherty has been snapped stabbing fans with hyperdermics. The young, brunette girl in the pictures (featured in 'The Sun') appears to have been a female with brown hair.

Yawn.

Pete? Can I call you that? Thanks. If mooky.net raises a 'heroin kitty', say oooooh, 10 thousand million teaspoons worth, would you sort of promise to be a bit more discreet in the future? It's bad enough being alive in the morning without having to see big pictures of you impaling dead people in your kitchen. Send heroin to: Pete Doherty, Hackne... oh don't bother, he'll probably barter it for milk.

Dogg Shits On Pigs

Snoop Doggy Dog Dog, notorious bad boy of rap, was released from the nick today after he took on six coppers at Heathrow airport and kicked their bee-hinds. According to airport sources Dog Dog was so pissed that he couldn't get into the VIP section while waiting for a flight, so he sent some of his homies to break stuff in duty free. At least two bottles of Bell's Whiskey and a giant bar of toblerone were smashed in the incident.

When the six pigs arrived to take Snoop down he gave them all bitch slaps. So another twenty riot coppers were dispatched with guns. One officer, clearly shaken up by taking on the Dogg with only a high calibre machine gun to protect himself, said "At one point I thought I might have to put a cap in his ass." But this reporter felt the pig was full of false bravado.

Snoop's bail means he has to return to the pig shop in a few weeks. Although our overweight, over-glorified airport security rent-a-cops were no match for Mr Bow Wow, the whole sorry story could have been avoided if only someone had thought to call in the SAS or at the least Phil and Grant.

Captain Hooky Hoff Takes On Wombles

David Hasselhook took the world (of middle-aged-rugby-shirt-wearing Wimbledonians) by storm today when he annouced that he'll be starring in that neverneverending pantomime: Peter Pan.

That's right, everyone's favourite gin-soaked teuton is putting down his tiny, inexplicable piece of red beach plastic and taking to the stage. David, 94, will be playing the evil Captain Hook: Boooooooo.

Don't worry, there's no 'never never' in Neverland this time. Neat vodka will be served during the interval and there will be a divorce chapel in the foyer. Book now if you want to see the Hoff in action. Tickets are expected to fly out of the box office faster than Pan catching sight of Wendy's gash.

Time McCalled

'Davina', the self-indulgent chat show rot fronted by the overly rated ladette Davina McCall has been axed by the BBC. The decision came after viewing figures plummetted from rubbish to disastrous. The BBC, notorious for commissioning total tripe, blew license fee payers' cash on wheeling out the usual mediocrity to whitter on about their latest endeavours of no interest and less worth. Although seeing the same bums in a slightly redecorated studio went a long way to guaranteeing the show's failure the principal reason is probably that Davina McCall, who relies on shouting for humour, is a patronising chud. With a bit of luck the unfunny presenter will be exiled to the obscurity of late night television like God's Gift, where she started, again having her bum pinched purple by over-excited chavs.

Unfortunately, in spite of her overall lack of talent and constant habit of breathing in sharply between her teeth, she'll no doubt be back to front the relentless Big Brother chud. Probably do some half arse fitness video as well or another rubbish shampoo advert.

Blue Pig Shits On Kids

...or whatever charity she was 'championing'. Jade chubba chub Goody and her crap tit-job took part in the London Marathon on Sunday. Give. A. Shit. Of course she failed because she's fat and stupid. The pretty voiced convict's daughter snorted to Gordon 'puncheable face' Ramsey at the start: "I've been eating curry and Chinese and drinking"

What a disgusting lump. Having walked for 20 miles, one of the Gods deigned to add a silver lining to the fiasco by turning her blue and collapsing her to ground like a freshly waxed boar under sedation.

At least she didn't take the piss. Jade raised a handsome £350, which she'll still give to charity out of her own pocket. Children in Timbuktu will weep with joy when they receive half a well.

Scottish Banknotes Worthless

A wad of old Scottish banknotes went on auction in London today. Using a calculator and sophisticated accountancy software package the auctioneers counted about fifty of them. Some of them are over 200 years old and expected to fetch thousands times worth their face value. In total the collection could be worth two new pence. The bloke flogging them off was chuffed with the estimation relaying how the notes had been a family heirloom. "My great grandfather got them when he ran out of chud paper."

But some ponse from a leading auction house or whatever, disputed the claim pointing out that however old the notes are they're still Scottish and therefore technically worthless in this country. A pub landlord echoed the sentiment saying "I don't care if it's new or old, I ain't taking none of that porridge bog paper in my boozer."

End Of The Line For Ford

After 32 years of reading from a bit of paper into a TV camera that bird Anna Ford, who did the lunchtime news on BBC1 (which we never watched because it was in the middle of the bloody day) has retired. Who gives a chud? She never had anything good to say anyway. Now Trevor McDonald quitting - that's news!

Clarke Solves Prison Overcrowding

Charles Clarke, Homo Secretary, has singlehandedly solved Britain's major problem with overcrowding in prisons. In a stroke of pure genius the potato headed fatty let more than a thousand crims out onto the streets. While some typically cynical critics may say the move is just another short term solution to a long term problem, there are signs that Clarke might see this daring policy through to the end: letting out every single lag in the country whatever their crime or however much of a threat they might present to the public.

As sources near Clarke state "the true brilliance of the scheme is that there's so much room for all the people we're going to nick now for the really serious crimes... like littering or not paying council tax." Elderly members of society are the likely targets of this crackdown, "literally asking for it."

A number of political commentators were unsure if Clarke was still actually alive until this dramatic decision proved them all wrong. Sitting there like a big orangutan on a Bank Holiday outing to the zoo, Clarke has shown that he is very much alive and eating.

Bird Flu Worse Than Bloke Flu

Yes, yes blokes do like a moan. Birds are always quick to laugh and point as soon as half a bogey slithers down one of our hairy snozzers. They beg us to tell them how tewibble wit wis...

What birds neglect to mention is that once the GP's been violently roused from his slumber and given us the all clear, that's it. Finito. We get on with it. There's no three days of menstruation, no talk of 'emotional needs', just a big diarrhearry shit and a consolodatory wank.

Bird Flu is a different story. Not only was it 'world news' when birds in the far east started causing a flap, it fucking spread! That's right, the whingey chick sick has flown all the way over to Norfolk like some massive plague of 'woman's intuition'. We're all aware that Norfolk probably doesn't exist, but surely government proposals to 'cull' their local bird population are nothing short of bloody and barbaric. Yes, they should be punished for for causing such a shit storm in a vag cup, but is the systematic execution of 35,000 Norfolk birds really necessary? Do they really need to be burned?

Mooky's Special Campaign: Send Harry To War

Prince Harry has threatened to quit the soft bit of the army reserved for royals and toffs unless he gets to see some action. Mooky feels that Harry could be the answer to the issues in Iraq everyone's been desperately searching for. Although the yanks have made things worse, our very own ginger action man could probably take all the baddies on singlehandedly and win. If not... if things went horribly wrong and Harry was shot to shit or bombed to buggery... then at the least he'd die a hero, which is better than nothing. (Let's face it he's never going to be king).

So we want you to support our special Send Harry To War campaign. If anyone can stop all the silly nonsense over there it's the nazi-uniform wearing, strip-club loving, booze guzzling carrot top. With a bit of luck the other royals will be shamed into doing their bit as well.

Smurfette Ho

She might only be 3 apples high, but she's had so many of them blue pricks in her she's wider than Jade Goody's mouth - dirty little whore... walking round that toadstool village like her chud don't stink, but all the time she's gashing up with every one of those blue mo-fo's. Sometimes she takes the whole village on at once depending on how much of an itching her front bottom needs. But Papa Smurf's the only one she blows. She even done that Gargamel mo-fo and his cat, which is why they never try and kill her. Skank bitch ho.

Turkey Chudders

Remember when you used to get served this chud by your mum after school? Led to believe it was some gourmet feast. The reproduced leftovers from the abbatoirs wrapped in a sickly orange coat of breadcrumbs was such a hit because it meant your mum could continue her life as a closet alcoholic while paying lip service to her maternal duties. Bloody chudder. Meanwhile the old man was taking the secretary out for a bit of chud shuffling, drenching himself in Brut on the way home so he would n't stink of the ho's gash when he walked through the door 'after working late'. What they should have been doing was investing in property to give to me when I hit 18 and cooking proper meals. Or at least getting in takeaways rather than trying to pass off this muck as fun food. And chud knows what they were thinking with that watery, multi-coloured carrot, swede, pea, bean mess that looked like it had been sicked up by an Ethiopian onto the side of the plate. Selfish twats.

Two Chuds Prescott

Old fatty's done it again. In his political past he's punched people, boozed himself up and driven around in two jags at the same time. But proving he's no one trick chud Prescott's really done it this time. He's only gone and had a go on his secretary and knowing old two chuds, probably up her chud passge as well - the dirty fatty. The biggest surprise is that the flabby faced lefty pinko can still get wood. Or perhaps its that while he's past retirement age his bit on the side's only in her forties. Chudding unbelievable!

Ho Pipe Ban Not A Good Idea

Whores, everyone loves them. Everyone that is, except the government. Oh sure, they're quite happy to cuddle and bum their under-staff. Hell they'll even shuffle into 'sucky sucky' saunas when it pleases them, but when it comes to us...

A big old ban on ho's, that's what. You can't just ban Ho's, they're all over prime time. Programmes such as: 'Gash In The Attic' ruthlessly plunder the ho reserves of Mr 2.4 children. Rooting through his upper loft space in search of the all elusive, pristine ho... surely it's ho-time that we looked for new ways to provide fresh, clean ho's for our nation's ho lovers.

HO-FEVER

Reports have shown that even children as young as 5 and 6 are developing serious ho-fever allergies that are actually resistant to nasal sprays. Anti-hostamene tablets may have worked in the past as effective 'ho-fever blockers' but according to analysts, it's been a different story this spring. An influx of ho's coming in from wherever has sent ho-punters into a frenzy. Does the government really expect little Timmy just to hand over his ho's just because there aren't enough to ho around? Ho, of course not. It's ho time to give the heave-ho to these gun-ho Westminster ho's.

Where The Chud Is Cheggers

Once the toast of TV town, Keith Cheggers Chegwin seems to have slipped off the arse face of the earth. There was that stuff about him being a lush, which was why he went from skinny fresh faced poo muncher to chubby chunk, and that stuff with him running around in the noddy on some bizarre jungle set - made me feel sick and suicidal at the same time - then nothing. So is he dead or just planning some comeback like that beardy twat Edmonds?

What the Chud?

What better way to start mooky.net 's inaugral news story than with a big pile of chud?

So what does chud mean?

It's delectable isn't it? It has that instant rapport, a bit like 'mook' - but less. Here are the top 7 definitions for 'chud':

1. Poo, a lump of - think 'log' only blockier
2. A 'Canibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller'
3. Old semen stagnating inside a used condom
4. The excess fat, or chud, that hangs out of a lardy woman's top
5. A penis that's wider than it is long
6. A vaginal secretion
7. A piece of chewing gum

Which ever way you swing it, people who use the word 'chud' are clearly winners.