Jonathan - Smug Wanker

How else to describe someone who says they're "energetic, horny, and comical", and reckons he pisses people off because he pulls so many women. Dream women are Naomi Campbell and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson so he must like having his face smashed in by skinny slags.

The 24 year old bouncer probably spends him time rubbing moisturiser into his body, has mirrored glass on the ceiling of his bedroom in his mum's house and masturbates constantly. Extremely arrogant dick who probably won't offer any real entertainment and just be annoyingly dull. Surprised he isn't a model.

Jayne - Slough Slag

Jayne is a 36 year old recruitment consultant from Slough. She's overweight, ugly, has bad dress sense and is loud. So the chances of her winning are zero then. If she's anything like the recruitment consultants I've experienced I'll hate her guts. She's probably got years of experience of hassling people to take a job that's completely unsuited to them and then having a toddler tantrum when they refuse to be coerced into some shit company, just so she can earn her poxy commission.

Looks like her farts stink and her diet is based solely around takeaways. The sort of person you'd sleep with after getting disgustingly drunk and then hate yourself for days to come as you avoid her calls.

Michael - Pretentious Layabout

23 year old student Michael, who clearly has a chip on his shoulder about being intelligent, had this load of complete bollocks to say before entering the house: "[I want to] grow as a person; to be pushed to question myself, to meet and aspire others to give my housemates and public a real laugh and to show that you can be smart, big-headed, effervescent at the same time as being sincere, loving and serious."

What a cunt!

Michael is one of those men's men. If he stays in longer than five minutes though he'll probably end up revealing his true gay side.

Spiral aka Glen - Mummy's Boy

Supposedly a DJ, rapper and entertainer. Lives at home with mummy and daddy - probably in some predominantly white, middle class area that inspires his lyrics about the daily struggle in "da hood." Seems unimaginative and about as inept as most of the others. Describes himself as "positive, funny, and sexy." 22 years old. Dull, but for some reason makes me want to punch his face in.

Jennie - Scouse Booty Shaker

Another house, another tedious example of what is wrong with this country. Jennie, a chic chav from Liverpool, loves to shake her "booty into the wee, small hours." She's got a crown tattoo on her hip and apparently speaks French and Turkish. At 18 she is another woman-child who will desperately attempt to be seen as mature and worldly, but end up saying predictably nonsensical shite and cooing in sympathy alot.

She apparently works as a sales advisor. Presumably that's someone who goes around pestering people and saying things like "I'd buy that one if I were you..." Nothing very interesting about Jennie. Admittedly she is young, but even so her achievements still seem pretty limited. Presumably she's been chosen because she might fuck someone. Ho hum! Another intellectually challenged inmate. There really is no shortage of them, is there!

The Ho Next Door

Aisleyne thought she was out of the Big Chudder house. After giving the inmates a bit of a verbal kicking based on the fact she didn't give a shit, the blond trash talker then had a change of heart. She blubbed deciding she didn't want to go after all. Not to worry though "babes" because as it turns out you're just going next door.

So it was that Aisleyne entered the little Big Chudder house wearing a flimsy dress that struggled to keep her ample breasts covered. Her resultant excitement and uncontainable gratitude that she was still in the game led her to experience a series of orgasms. As such when Aisleyne left the diary room a little later, a member of the production team was forced to wipe up her leaked juices.

Aisleyne Moves Onto Nikki

Picking on Nikki seems unfair for some reason... like an adult beating up a toddler... or a body-builder jumping up and down on a quadroplegic... but nevertheless that's exactly what Aisleyne did earlier.

She'd been building up to it in the kitchen. She told Glyn that she couldn't enjoy sunbathing outside because Nikki was droning on talking about herself, sex and past relationships. (I can't imagine having sex with Nikki. It would be like putting my cock in one of the muppets. I don't imagine there'd be much sensation and I'd have to watch as Nikki's rubber face continued to writhe and stretch throughout the whole unsavoury affair.)

So continuing on her path of self-destruction Aisleyne decided she would tell Nikki she was boring straight to her face. Which she did. Nikki's response? She called Aisleyne a bitch and then went into the diary room to continue her aggrieved rant. "I can't take that rude girl any longer," Nikki screamed. "She's a nasty bully. I wasn't boring anybody else. I was talking to Imogen and Richard and Lea, not her." Nikki went on to call Aisleyne "a horrid nasty bitch" and "a fucking nasty fucking evil piece of work".

"Who does she think she is?" Nikki continued. "She's the ghetto queen - she thinks she's so superior. She's a rude dude with attitude. No one likes her here, people are scared of her. That's why they're nice to her. I'm scared to breathe in front of her. She can be quite pleasant but now we're seeing the real her. She's trying to get on people's good side so she doesn't get nominated. She's got Imogen and Mikey on side now. She's manipulating people in this House and I've only just realised it."

Although to be honest watching Nikki for more than a second is enough to make me want to smash her stupid scrunched up face in with a shovel. Then I'd shut that whiny voice up for good by strangling her as she lay twitching on the carpet. No wonder security's so tight around the Big Chudder house. Here's hoping Aisleyne will do the job for me.

Glyn Set Straight

Its hard not to feel for Glyn. He's still at school, grown up in the relative obscurity of Wales and desperately wants to be treated like an adult by the other inmates. At the same time he's faced with the cartoon appeal of Lea, Aisleyne and Susie: women with balloon breasts, long hair and often exposed bodies. Its probably safe to say that Glyn has amassed enough mental wank material to last him into his 30's. And he's also sadly developed an unreciprocated desire for the anti-MILF Lea.

But Aisleyne, who is waging war with the big breasted Nottingham lass, was determined to set Glyn straight. Both Aisleyne and Lea have been seeking to build strategic alliances with the other inmates... and Glyn is no exception. "I think she's evil for crying all the time, making people sorry for her," Aisleyne whispered in Glyn's ear."Guys don't know what to do but feel sorry for a woman when she cries." "That's true," Glyn said applying his worldly knowledge of the opposite sex. "They get blinded and just don't get it," Aisleyne girl continued. "But women... we know we can manipulate guys... so when we see it, we recognise it. I've cried in the House. I went into my bed, under the cover and pulled the cover back over my head and cried. I don't want everyone knowing. Don't listen to everything I say because obviously I'm going to be biased because I don't particularly like her behaviour... but what I've told you is the truth."

Of course if Aisleyne really wanted Glyn's support she could've just let him touch one of her breasts... maybe pulled him off... it wouldn't have taken much more and then he would be in love with her rather than Lea. And his mum wouldn't be so horrified either.

Aisleyne Wins Again

Lea and Aisleyne continued to wage their personal war as the day dragged on. The latest battle was caused by the new task, which is based around the inmates criticising each other. "This is more personal ridicule for me isn't it," Lea bitched, as her paranoia made her resemble Stalin on a bad day. "More fucking persecution. I ain't doing it." "Come on Lea," Nikki encouraged as she chewed a wasp.

"It's just constructive criticism," Richard added. "We don't need a fucking suggestion box," Lea whined. "They can say it to my face." "Oh it's me me me me me me me," Aisleyne snapped. "Shut your fucking mouth," Lea shrieked as Glyn hugged her in a way that seemed wrong on a number of levels. "Get over yourself," Aislyene came back. "Five minutes ago you said you didn't want to be around Glyn because he fancies you. Now you're all over him. You're so false." "You're the most evil fucked up hateful bitch ever," Lea screamed running off to blub. "Haha...bye," Aisleyne called vindictively, relishing Lea's pain. While Pete and Glyn ran after Lea, Aisleyne smiled slyly to herself and started rubbing her nipples through her top until they were erect.

Lea Doesn't Let It Lie

Lea... you've got to see her... well, actually you don't have to and probably don't want to. After this morning's run-in with Aisleyne she's walking around wearing glasses almost as ridiculously outsized as her breasts with a face like a smacked ass, a permanently trembling bottom lip and an aura that screams "Paranoid Bitch!" Aisleyne's words obviously hit a nerve with the botox blond. Especially the bit about being emotionally manipulative.

"Is that what everyone thinks then?" Lea asked the other inmates. Mikey, Imogen and Richard responded in the negative. "Well, she's obviously been talking to some fucker," Lea went on. "Those were her words, don't think like that," Richard tried. "It's because she's been nominated." "I'm the only person that could have nominated her, am I?" Lea spat. "She's got a vendetta against me, she's thinks it's emotional blackmail because I cry sometimes. Is that what you all think? Well, cheers." None of the inmates had actually done anything than listen supportively to Lea's latest unhinged tirade.

"She's got a game plan. One minute she slags people, and the next minute she's up their arse," Lea went on. "She thinks she's better than me, but isn't. I was right about her all long. I knew her true colours would come out. I can see through lies and fakeness straight away. It doesn't make you a bad person because you cry. I'm glad I'm me, wouldn't want to be any fucker else."
"Now you have a choice to either be civil or steer clear of her," Richard tried again. "I won't be civil, it's not in my nature," Lea threatened. Yeah, bollocks! If Lea was half as hard as she likes to make out she would've smacked seven shades of poo out of Aisleyne by now. But instead she'll go on sulking, accuse everyone of being disloyal and then burst into tears.

Aisleyne Takes Lea On

Things turned ugly between the repellant duo this morning after the inmates did badly on another rubbish task I couldn't be bothered to write about. It involved plugging a big barrel of milk using body parts - such wit! But as no-one shoved their breasts or cocks into the hole I didn't see much point in reporting it. In a nutshell though Aisleyne, who has been in a foul mood since being nominated, was fuming after spending all night being the plugger. She felt the other inmates hadn't made much effort. But it was Lea who suffered the Londoner's razor sharp tongue.

"What happened in the task?" Aisleyne demanded. The inmates seemed to find this question amusing and responded by laughing. Not the best thing to do. "Why's everyone laughing?" Aisleyne fumed. "Aisleyne's got a problem about the milk," Lea laughed. "No, I've got a problem with you," Aisleyne bit. "Well, we all know that," Lea replied. "Get out of my face then," Aisleyne barked. "Don't worry, I wouldn't want to be in it, love," Lea shot back. "Where's your attitude coming from?" Aisleyne asked.

"Where's your attitude coming from?" Lea responded. "From getting fed up with seeing you manipulate the whole House," Aisleyne venomously spat back. "You use emotional blackmail to manipulate people." "Manipulate? You want to learn what a word means before you use it, love," Lea came back lamely. But by then Aisleyne had already left the room. So a bit of drama that might lead to a fight, but most probably will just result in a bit more insult hurling and then a make-up. If nothing more though, Lea has shown that along with everything else she's rubbish at arguing.

Come On Aisleyne

Common as dog muck Aisleyne isn't taking her nomination too well. After hearing the news she stormed off to sulk in the bedroom. Two faced Lea tried to comfort her, but her efforts were in vain. "Why are you being funny with me?" Lea asked Aisleyne, somehow managing to make the nomination about her.

"Oh, what are you on about?" Aisleyne barked. "I'm up! I'm being funny with everyone! I'm gullible..." "You're not," Lea responded futilely. "People like you." I'm not sure what Lea's basing that statement on. Aisleyne's been nominated. "Obviously not..." Aisleyne spat. "I haven't come in here with a game plan... I should have! I don't wanna be self-absorbed... why not me? I'm the new girl... oh, I don't wanna feel sorry for myself." "You have nothing to worry about," Lea continued. "I will be going," Aisleyne was adamant. "They won't get rid of the golden girl." Golden girl? Who? Susie? Fuck off!

Emotional Wreck

Boo-hoo! Poor me! Won't someone shut Lea up? If I was in the house I'd give her something to cry about. Pathetic. Grown woman with ridiculous breasts crumbling and breaking down at every opportunity. Then soaking up the attention of everyone in the house who tries to comfort her like some large breasted leech. Personally I'm tired of seeing Lea sob every minute of every day and I'm sure the inmates are starting to lose their patience with her as well. The indicator will be when fewer and fewer of them rush to see if she's okay until only Glyn's left trying to comfort her (touching her tits 'by accident' at the same time).

If I was Lea I wouldn't be crying about missing her family or "being lonely", but about the fact her sons' therapy bills are going to bankrupt her, and she is a horribly manipulative woman who's tits make her a laughing stock. And what the fuck is going on with the bitch's hair?

Susie Vs Aisleyne

This week's nominations have been announced. And its Susie against Aisleyne. Although as we all know by now (because that commentator won't shup up about it) the evictee won't be leaving, but just entering another Big Chudder house. Some would say the concept is a work of genius. I think its a con, but then again I'm bitter.

Aisleyne is an old hag in training. Susie is just dull in a sensible way. So to be perfectly frank I couldn't give a shit who stays in the first house or goes to the second. I'm just pissed off that there's another five twats I have to write crap about.

Nikki and Lea Jealous

Oh dear! First it was Lea. Now its Nikki too. Who would've thought a whistling monkey from Brighton could be such a heartbreaker? The two lady mucks have been bitching about Pete's new found love for third blond chav Aisleyne. The two have managed to distance Pete due to their differing degrees of bunny boiler behaviour. But they continued to watch Pete from afar.

"Why's he acting?" Nikki whined monitoring Pete and Aisleyne as the newly formed couple enjoyed a deep chat about life and death. "He's trying to impress her. Whyyyy-y-y-y-y-y? I don't want to have a party. Those two will just fuck off together. It'll ruin my night."
"He's really expressionate when he's talking to her," Lea managed.
"He's not like that when he's talking to us," Nikki continued. "What's she got that we haven't?"
"Look, he's showing her his scars now," Lea moaned.
"And I asked him what his scars were and he said it 'doesn't matter'," Nikki cried enviously.
(Hold up! Scars??? So is that how whistler does it? Flashes his scars. Sly bugger!)
"Don't look. He's looking," Lea went on acting like a pre-teen schoolgirl.
"As soon as he gets a drink in him later he's gonna leech on to her," Nikki bitched.
"If he likes her he's losing out. Because I don't think it's reciprocated," Lea lied.
"He doesn't open up to me," Nikki went on. Presumably she was referring to her fruitless attempts to anally penetrate Pete with a handmade strap-on. Nikki kept on trying even though Pete's hole wouldn't open up. She was left feeling frustrated while he felt violated. No wonder the poor boy's stayed away from her in recent days.
"I talked to him for an hour last night and it's not made a difference. Full of shit. What a waste of time," Lea carped on as though being a porn star and part-time mother has endowed her with some magical ability to communicate with wild animals.
"He's in denial," Nikki said without reference to anything at all.
"She's always taking her clothes off in front of him," Lea then commented, which completely contradicted her earlier point about Aisleyne not being interested in Pete. Stupid, fake titted bitch!
"He's changed so much," Nikki whined.
"He won't come and talk to us..." Lea concluded before Pete came over and talked to them.
"Alright," monkey whistled to the girls.
"Did you think we were watching you?" Lea subtlely enquired.
"No," he replied. "Girls minds are fucking weird."

Pete then defecated on the ground and started wiping his own muck on the walls of the Big Chudder house, expressing his discontent about the way he is being stalked by the Glenn Close fan-club.

Jealous Lea

Lea who has what some might call an inappropriate desire for whistling monkey Pete showed traces of the green eyed monster again today. The double M titted porn ho claims she looks after Pete because he is like her son. The relationship, from her point of view, is one of maternal love. Which must mean she fancies her sons and wants to fuck their brains out too (as if the poor fuckers haven't got enough to deal with). Because that's what she wants to do to Pete. But Pete, who has been the most fancied geezer in there, has been showing an interest in Aisleyne who actually has quite nice tits. Attentive viewers will have noticed that Pete's whistling takes on a slightly lower pitch when around the bleached blond, and his swearing becomes a more explosive panting reflecting his true carnal desires. Lea, who is desperate to crush the monkey with her concrete filled breast skin, confronted Pete about his budding affection for Aisleyne.

"What's going on with you and Aisleyne?" Lea asked. "I can't talk to you when she's there."
"There's nothing going on," Pete whistled back.
"Really?" Lea continued. "You were talking earlier and I came in and you said 'I'll tell her later'."
"That didn't mean anything," Pete answered.
"If you like her why don't you tell her," Lea whined pathetically like a jilted stalker.
"It's not like that," Pete continued.
"I thought you fell for her, I thought you'd changed," Lea persevered. "You're like her sidekick; wherever you go, she goes."
"I get on with her, that's all. Anything else?" Pete finished.

Lea seemed satisfied, but actually she has nothing to worry about. Nikki was Pete's focus, but now she's been traded in for someone blonder with bigger tits. Give it a week or two and Aisleyne will be traded in for Lea.

Susie Hate

It took a little longer than expected, but finally Lea has turned on the newest inmate - one she claimed to love. Lea has become the strongest contender to replace Grace as queen bitch. Her trademark paranoia and penchant for shit-stirring is making her increasingly unpopular in and out of the house.

However she managed to find a common hate figure to bring other inmates close to her comedy bosom at least for a little while: kit kat kunt Susie. Lea, Nikki and surprisingly Aisleyne (who until recently was saintly) took it in turns to tears strips off the milf ho.

"Susie has been in the Diary Room all this time," Aisleyne started.
"She has been in there ages," Lea said.
"About an hour," Nikki added.
"Do you think she wants to leave?" Aisleyne hopes.
"She is here to win," Lea spat venomously. "She wants to win, no doubt about it."
Imogen turned up and chipped in "I think she is enjoying it... but you have to be young."
"The fun has come down," Aisleyne went on blaming Susie.
"Did you hear about the wine?" Lea continued before impersonating Susie: "I never touch that, it's repulsive..."

Glyn then appeared from a whole he had been mining for noodles in the garden. "To me red wine is red wine!" Sacre bleu, Glyn! To me sheep are sheep, but I would never presume to tell you that. Anyway Susie will soon be the least of the cunt collective's worries when the latest round of muppets gets chucked into the rancid mix.

Mercy Vote

Faith in the voting public was further restored tonight when babbling Manc ho Lisa became the latest inmate to get evicted from the Big Chudder gaff. Lisa who was equally prolific with swear words as potty mouthed Pete, had become another figure of hate due to her close association with witch Grace. The unemployed upholsterer used to suckle at Grace's third nipple in the Big Chudder bathroom late at night.

Lisa was enjoying a life of lazing about, binge drinking, chain smoking, sleeping most of the day away and bitching with her mates, but then she went into the Big Chudder house, which has changed her lifestyle dramatically. When she left a crowd of booing people greeted her. It was hard to determine how Lisa felt based on the facial wreck of her face. Davina attempted to keep as much distance from Lisa as possible, afraid that the ugly one might somehow affect her unborn child.

The show's producers are apparently relieved Lisa has been evicted. She has the unique power of being able to crack mirrors simply by looking at them - a 'talent' that was quickly becoming very expensive for the makers of Big Chudder.

Mikey Tries Again

After washing her filthy fanny clean, Imogen decided to give getting jiggy with Mikey another go. Last time the odour from her lady parts made Mikey flee before his potato shaped nose fell off. It all seemed to be going well... the bean-bags had been set up... Mikey went to get a quilt... and that was when it all went horribly wrong. For some unknown reason the puppet decided to bring in evicted Lisa's blanket.

On one side Lisa's duvet looks normal, but if Mikey had checked the other side he would've passed out cold. Lisa's pussy sores had erupted puss, which had then stunk and stained the duvet cover. But poor Mikey was oblivious to the impending doom. He snuggled under the duvet with Imogen, who smiled adoringly at him... but seconds later Mikey looked like he'd been smashed in the face with a fire extinguisher.

"Jesus Christ, Imogen! I thought you said you'd washed it!" he shouted at the welsh bore before jumping out from under the blanket. "It's not me," Imogen protested weakly, but it was too late. By then Mikey had run away gagging.

The Morning After

The housemates were woken by the recorded sound of Glyn's late night vomiting this morning. The welsh lad who got wasted on a few glasses didn't look or sound too good as he stirred in his pit. "I've got this vague memory of Richard shouting 'not in the sink'," he muttered. "And I was standing outside with Lea and my eyes were going everywhere." In other words, Glyn was having a good look at Lea's ridiculous breasts. Well, he is at school still and yet to learn what a decent set look like.

"Well, you're all better now, that's the good thing," Richard replied.
"Where's my bed clothes?" Glyn asked.
"You were sick on them," Lea told him.
"We have some bad news," Richard went on. "You have quite a bit of washing to do today. We put them in a bag outside."

Glyn looked crestfallen. Surely someone else could've have cleaned his sheets. In fact, Richard even suggested he would... for a favour or two in return. "Bring that sweet welsh ass over here for an hour or two," Richard said patting his mattress ", and your sheets'll be taken care of... no problem..." Glyn decided Big Gay Dick has had enough of his teen ass for a while, and decided to clean his sheets himself.

Mikey Rubs It Better

Losing no time to capitalise on the fact that horrendous face-ache Grace is gone, Mikey was again getting close to Imogen. Earlier she had complained of stomach cramps and the lifesize puppet had rushed to her aid. "Is that okay?" Mikey asked as he rubbed Imogen's stomach and touched himself. "This is real nice, yeah," Imogen replied as Mike's hand crept down to rub her clitoris. "It's crazy," she moaned with ecstacy. "Every time I don't feel well, I go to bed and something happens..."

"Everyone's ill. Even I feel sick now," Mikey said suddenly catching a whiff of Imogen's 'down below'. "Don't stop," Imogen went on. "I have to," Mikey replied. "Your gash smells foul." He then leaned over and vomited in the exact same place Glyn had moments earlier. "Wank me, damn you, wank me!" Imogen screeched thrusting her hands furiously back and forth between her legs. Her complexion turned green and her head started to turn as she began projectile vomiting.

Glyn Can't Handle The Booze

Legendary welsh citizen and head-boy Glyn was paying for his binge drinking within moments of being put to bed by Mikey. He hurled on the floor. Lovely! Then in a bizarre move decided the best way to sober up was jog around the garden. Posh mum Susie was not impressed. "Glyn," she shouted. "Just sit down. Settle down." "I know what I'm doing," he slurred. "He's gonna slip and crack his fucking head open," Aisleyne giggled evilly. Susie then went to spray disinfectant on the patch where Glyn had chucked. Every now and then she threw a filthy glance in the direction of the running boy. After a moment Glyn went and collected a pick and shovel and started digging a hole in the garden.

"What the fuck are you doing now?" Susie shrieked as Glyn threw mud over his shoulder. "Mining for pot noodle," Glyn replied. "oh, for cunt's sake," Susie said. "I'll handle this," Richard shouted and leeped into the hole Glyn had started. The inmates thought Richard was going to help calm Glyn down, but were apalled when the sex terrorist instead pulled Glyn's shorts down and tried to mount him. "For God's sake." Lea called. "Just leave the buggery alone for once." Richard then had to be pulled off by Glyn before the young lad could be returned to his bed.