Binge Drinking

Poor Glyn! Still at school, but desperate to prove he's as 'mature' as the rest of the inmates. And the best way to do that? Get pissed! Of course being but a young boy he couldn't handle much. After a few glasses of champagne and a couple of ciders the head-boy was leathered. After a boozy rant professing his love for fellow inmates and his gratitude at being allowed on Big Chudder, puppet Mikey decided it was past Glyn's bedtime. The Vernon Kaye lookalike devised a 'water-drinking game' tricking welshie into getting some alcohol free liquids down his scrawny neck.

"Come on, lad," Mikey encouraged Hasselhoff's stunt double, "You're not allowed to spill any, just drink."
After Glyn had managed a sip Mikey marched him off to bed. With Aisleyne's help, Glyn was then stripped and put down for the night.
But as soon as the light was switched off and the parental figures left, Glyn sprawled out of bed and onto the floor.
Mikey furiously went back to the bedroom. "Get into bed!" he shouted.
"No!" Glyn replied, "I wanna sleep here!"
"On the floor?" Mikey asked unbelievingly.
"Yeah!" Glyn answered submerging under his duvet.
Mikey gently closed the bedroom door and then proceeded to give Glyn the kicking of a lifetime.
"How dare you speak to your father that way?" Mikey raged as he struck Glyn repeatedly with his belt. Fortunately Glyn was too drunk to feel much pain and soon slipped into unconsciousness as Mikey continued to beat him mercilessly.

For Fuck's Sake

I thought the whole point of Big Chudder was that the cunts got wheedled out one by one until the least publicly hated was left. Then that cunt got a reward for not being as big a cunt as the other cunts. But the way the producers are carrying on you'd think they're determined to keep this chud going forever. After a month of reporting on this I am closer than ever to nervous exhaustion and sociopathic outbursts. The idea of a lifetime of this fills me with enough dread to buy a sports rifle and take to the top of the nearest clock tower or one overlooking the Big Chudder house.

So here's the crack. The next twat voted the most unpopular won't be kicked out, but instead put into a second Big Chudder house, which is next door to the current one. Then they meet five other complete asses as they enter this second Big Chudder house one by one. This idea is clearly the brain-child of someone even more deranged than I am. Imagine the inmate voted out, stumbling into a rerun of their first night. They'd go mad wondering if their life was just one long Big Chudder dream they could never escape from. They might think the world has gone all Matrix and then start stabbing other people. And as for this additional five... aren't there enough cunts on this show already? Where are these lot from? How many of them are models? And what does the winner of the second house get? I don't like this new house rubbish. I don't understand the logistics of it. It makes me angry. My head hurts...

Nikki Blubs Again

Big Chudder producers are contemplating swopping big bawler Nikki with a new born baby. They think the baby would cry less and be easier to manage. Although such a move might be unnecessary if the blond bumhole gets the boot tonight. The inmates have become so used to Nikki's attention seeking routine that they now flippantly place bets on when the crying's going to start. Tonight it kicked off a minute after six.

"I feel so weak, I can't do anything, I don't want to take a shower," Nikki whined. The blond has already been accused of being a stinky ho so this announcement was no real shock. Nikki's howls of anguish reached the garden where Glyn and Susie were enjoying a spot of mutual masturbation in the sun. "I won the bet!" Susie smiled as she climaxed. The posh mum had bet her husband's fortune that the tears would start flowing at six. Glyn finished himself off, but with barely concealed fury. The young welsh lad had bet the farm on eight of the clock. Big gay Dick then popped out of Glyn's bottom also sexually gratified, but amazed. He'd been sure his seven o'clock guess would be on the money.

Lea Gets It Off Her Chest (Ha-ha!)

Absent mother Lea, whose MM breasts are reinforced with steel bands, revealed her true feelings to Big Chudder house adonis Pete tonight. As with all ill advised confessions this one came after the porn star had drunk a trough of booze.

"You're different, you're not touchy-feely and open with me anymore," Lea moaned. "You find everyone attractive bar me."
"I do but..." Pete replied looking scared.
"One kiss would be nice," Lea pushed on as she carried on necking her wine.
"Now I'm getting shy," Pete squirmed fleeing to the bedroom. But Lea was in hot pursuit.
"I can't help the way I feel," she said as she pinned the whistler to the wall with her twin turbines.
"Okay," Pete struggled. "So what's that then?"
"I like you," Lea mouthed rubbing her nipples against Pete.
"Really?" Pete whistled before trying to give her a hug. "I didn't realise."
"I'm not a dirty old woman," claimed Lea. "I shouldn't have said that."

Pete decided it was safer not to move or say anything so he stood completely still. Eventually Lisa and Richard appeared to see what was happening. Pete ran for his life. Lea tried to give chase, but her bra straps broke and she tripped over her own ridiculous breasts. She lay the floor in silence for a few moments before curling into a sobbing ball.

Nikki Tries To Rape Monkey

Poor whistling Pete seems doomed to get banged to death by the ho horde that's lusting after him. He narrowly escaped being fucked to death by slimey granny Lea only to find himself faced with the sucking tenticles of Nikki's rancid gash. Yet again Nikki was making a meal of her most recent nomination, convinced (yawn) as always that she's on her way out. She cornered Pete in the bathroom where he was trembling traumatically under a bath mat and asked him for solace.

"Do you mind giving me cuddles?" she slurred, breathing booze fumes all over his small simean face. "No, I love it," Pete replied, naively walking into the lion's den. "They're probably listening outside the door. Let's give them something to listen to," Nikki suggested. "How about... erm... what shall we say?" Pete asked. Fear was beginning to show on his little monkey face. Nikki had no intention of talking though. She lunged at Pete, planting a big kiss right on his lips. She then started licking at his closed mouth trying to force her fat, pork tasting tongue into his mouth.

Pete pulled away as quickly as he could. Luckily the bathroom door opened a moment later. This time lifesize puppet Mikey was the inmate that saved Pete. "They've always got their tongues down each others' throats," Lea screamed jealously from the bedroom where she had been stalking Pete. Later though while Lea was watching Pete through binoculars with Nikki, the younger slag revealed "He doesn't fancy me." "Pete's in a place... where he doesn't need to be with a woman at the minute," Lea said morosely. The porn star seemed convinced that the only reason Pete wouldn't fancy her is because he's not interested in women as opposed to being specifically unattracted to her. Lea's statement also fails to take into account the fact Pete has been dry humping Aisleyen and howling each time he reaches the point of ejaculation.
The rejected lovers continued to watch Pete obsessively before frigging each other off.

Glyn Streaks

Proving that you can't keep a good man down, Glyn streaked into the living room today. He ran naked from the bedroom giving Lea, Lisa and Nikki an eyeful of his hard member; a sight that would scare many a sheep. The girls giggled as Glyn ran about displaying his proud protrusion. He was so turned on by exposing himself a couple of drops of pre-jizz dripped off the tip of his cock.

"Glynie, I just saw your nuts then!" Lea squealed with delight. He grabbed a towel and ran back to the bedroom where he planned on giving himself a fist fuck over the whole experience, using one of Lea's bras as a rag. But Nikki stole her towel back leaving the boy in the buff once more. "He's no longer a boy, now he's a man!" Lea purred, licking her lips, and thinking about what it would be like to take Glyn's virginity. She started toying with a banana and smiling like some perverted granny on viagra. Filthy!

Nomination Nightmare

Nikki is up for nomination the third week in a row. And this time is worst than ever because she knows who's voted for her. In a dastardly punishment a number of inmates who broke the rules by discussing nominations had to name their most hated peer publicly. Lisa nominated Nikki. And the blond bumhole is taking it very, very personally. Crying Nikki shrieked: "Look what Lisa just fucking did to me, and you know what the thing is... it's different with Glyn. Glyn didn't come up to me like Lisa did. She came in and cuddled me and gave me all this spiel! I'm not going to be able to talk to her. I don't like her anymore." It is also likely that Nikki won't invite Lisa to her birthday party or let her play with her toys anymore.

Richard tried to bring order to the chaos by suggesting that Nikki "could talk to the group and ask what it is they don't like about you, but you can't take it personally." Lisa was weathering the latest Nikki tantrum by staying in the bedroom. But Nikki stomped in to wipe the streaks of mascara from her puffy cheeks. She made sure Lisa felt extremely uncomfortable and then stormed back out again. "I want to rip her fucking head off," Lisa raged when Nikki was gone. "I want to smash her face full force. There's just no need!" Nikki was ranting herself to Lea: "That fucking shrimp in there is giving me daggers! All she had to do was vote for Glyn!" Don't just talk about it girls. Get in there and fight. Pull each others' hair and scratch each others' eyes out.

Lisa Makes Glyn Sick

Realising that Glyn wasn't going to get any of the older ladies, he resorted to the reliable male tactic of trying it on with the minger. Hence he's been hanging around the mingiest of them all: Lisa. The two have enjoyed chats and usual shite that tends to brew in this asexual household before people finally kiss with tongues. But Lisa took it one step too far tonight and blew the whole deal.

The two were in the bathroom chatting. Glyn had a bitch that someone had emptied cum into his toilet bag again, saying it was "like being back at school". As he drained the luke warm, opaque liquid down the sink drain Lisa dropped her trousers and announced: "I'm 'aving a wee in front of you, you don't mind." A low, ferral growling could be heard coming from Lisa's overgrown, sore ridden front bottom before she sat down and released a torrent of steaming, acidic water. At the same time she farted in a way that threatened to break the toilet bowl.
By this point Glyn had forgotten all about his spunk sodden toilet bag. He was doubled over on the floor clutching his stomach and heaving a noxious, yellow bile onto the floor. He tried to crawl to the door, but passed out cold before reaching safety.

Finished Lisa emerged visibly thinner from the cubicle. She saw Glyn lying vulnerable on the floor, grunted, and turned him on his back. She pulled his shorts down and then with another series of grunts began to ride his flaccid member. When Glyn came around he couldn't recall what had happened, but was horrified to find his penis was covered with burns and angry grazes.

Nikki's a Dirty Bitch

Inmates have been chastising a non too happy Nikki for being smelly tonight. Looking at her you can imagine she stinks a bit to be honest. You can see her having a smelly fanny and a sort of sicky body odour. According to the housemates who got their hands on one of her soiled tops and breathed in deeply, that's not too far from the truth either.

"You stink!" Imogen told the blond Middlesex slag.
"Oooh! Nikki," Lisa added. Not sure why.
"Hmm, it smells beautiful," Richard commented holding her top to his gay nostrils.
"It smells of daffodils and roses," Nikki protested.
"Eeeuuuuwww. It smells of stinky curry. Pit odour!" Richard laughed handing it back to the unhappy blond.
"Richard. You always make me feel unattractive," Nikki squealed.
"Why's that?" big gay Dick asked.
"Yesterday you accused me of leaving a snail trail," Nikki complained. "Then you told them in the Diary Room I left skid marks and I'd never left any! Then you just said I smell of stinky curry armpits."
"Are you saying if we were boyfriend and girlfriend you'd dump me for not complimenting you enough?" Richard enquired.
"No. You make me feel like some kind of wildebeest," Nikki finished.
"Come on, gimme a hug. I'll make you feel better. I do love waking up to your beautiful smile in the mornings," Richard tried to make up. "But I hate it when you lift up the duvet and your fart smells leak out."

Good one, big gay Dick. Sounds like that Nikki is one dirty ho.

Imogen and Mikey Hot to Trot

In spite of his tearful moping Mikey seems to have got over Grace pretty quickly. For someone who acted like a forlorn lover he's bounced back miraculously after less than a week and a half. The object of his new affections? Welsh bore Imogen. The couple spent time flirting and playing around today enjoying general lameness with one another.

Imogen started the teenesque nonsense by straddling Mikey and giving him a massage. "You're good," Mikey moaned as Imogen began rubbing him down and he creamed his pants. "Don't lie. I'm shit," she giggled like a schoolgirl. "You're wicked," Mikey carried on as he lay in his own rapidly cooling cum patch. A bit later and the two were on the beanbags stroking each others' fingers. Mikey didn't even bother to cover up his semen stained shorts. "I love it. This is so nice," Imogen purred as she squirted woman juice from her hairy gash. "Did you really like that massage?"

"It was dead mint," Mikey went on drawing circles in the puddle Imogen's spray made with his toes. "I was slobbering and everything." The two then tried playing thumb wars, but Mikey was immediately disadvantaged as he found it impossible to retrieve either of his from his puckered asshole.