Pete's Got Competition

Ask anyone and they'll say Pete's going to win this charade. Go on! Ask someone! Now! See! If they said anyone else they're liars and you shouldn't trust anything they say to you ever again in the future. But Pete's house-cred has dropped as he's now infatuated by blond bumhole Nikki. The middlesex slag has not aged mentally or vocally since she was four although she has grown physically (and had a barely noticeable tit job).

But while the whistling monkey has grown complacent, wondering how many bananas he can buy with the prize money, Aisleyne is racing against him and he doesn't even know it. The daft bollocks. Aisleyne is gaining ground in the house and out of it, because she seems incapable of bitching about anyone. She just aborbs other inmates' attempts to drag her into verbal cess-pits and somehow maintains an air of moral superiority - but not even in a smug way. What a bitch! Some observers have started to speculate that Aisleyne might not be human. This theory could hold value as her face does look like an alien's idea of what an attractive woman should look like. Unfortunately tentacles and a lack of thumbs tend to fuck up mask making. Trust me. I know.

Even Imogen's undisguised attempts to make Aisleyne bitch failed. Imogen is desperate for allies now Grace has gone. Lisa is a tad crude for her and she probably finds Mike boring (the irony). So statements like "Richard's brainwashing you" from the welsh bore had no effect. Other attempts to draw Aisleyne fell on deaf ears although as the moose is potentially an alien she might not have any to begin with. Even when the two were ordered back in from the garden Aisleyne gave Imogen a hug. What an incredibly nice bitch that Aisleyne is.

Why?

Every year the producers of Big Chudder round up the biggest selection of cunts in the world and put them in one secluded, isolated place. I get excited because I think "Finally the cunt culling's begun", expecting the start of some mass murder of genuine cunts in this country. Then the show starts and I realise the cunts are everywhere: in the house, behind the house, building the house, televising and presenting the house. It's not a cunt cull, it's a shit TV show in a nation already criminally deprived of quality viewing.

Then they start releasing the cunts back into the general populace one by one, but with the means to make stupid amounts of money in ways that generally mean my exposure to these cunts is greater than ever. The right way to run this show would be to just bomb the fucking house as soon as all the cunts are in. There could be a bomb set to trigger when the last inmate has closed the door behind them. Just imagine their little smiling faces full of hope and expectation, vaporised as the semtex goes off. Brilliant! I'd watch that. And they could pack loads more contestants in each series as well.

Of course Tony Blair, who is running this country into the ground, should act immediately to start the cunt culling. But the chances of that happening are slim because if he have to cull himself and that corrupt ho he impregnates with regularity - in fact Cherie is pregnant almost as often as Davina. Eery. Makes me think... I've certainly never seen the Cherie and Davina in the same room. Have you?

Lisa Rages At Moose

Ooh! Scary! Having 'sorted' and 'awwriggghhhhhtttt' screeched at you by an inarticulate ho with the facial appeal of a syphillis ridden tramp must have made Aisleyne fill her thong. Grace's undignified departure, throwing water over Susie and calling Aisleyne a moose, prompted some excitement in the Big Chudder house. Lea claimed Lisa and Imogen had encouraged Grace to chuck the water. Lisa and Imogen denied it vehemently. Aisleyne continued to blame Lisa regardless. Lea meanwhile retreated silently into the shadows, swiftly filling the position of chief shit-stirrer now Grace has left.

The shouting match came down to little because Lisa has trouble using more than a handful of words. So bizarrely it seemed like she ended up agreeing with Aisleyne because her come-backs were limited to 'alright' or repeating what Aisleyne had said a second before. Only the aggressive tone used by the non-model babbling manc reflected the true meaning of her... um... words...

So tensions are peaking. Maybe something good like a bitch fight will happen now.

Tragic Scouse Blubs

Emotionally repressed Mikey showed a bit of humanity last night. The life size puppet wants nothing more in his life than to be a real boy, and last night (or early this morning depending on how much of a pedantic cunt you are) there was finally a hope that maybe the magical process was happening. With the second love of his life evicted, the first being his mum who still washes and wanks the man-boy, Mikey seemed at a loss about what to do with himself. With no one to pull his strings he was literally limp. He shuffled about the house a bit then went to bed. Once there tears silently rolled down his cheeks. He finally managed to sleep after taking a picture of Grace out from under his pillow and kissing it. Meanwhile Grace was probably drunk on champagne and getting stuffed by a series of male ho's in some hotel room, paid for by her mum, in an effort to prove she wasn't universally hated.

You have to feel a little for Mikey though. He's another example of this age's pure numb cunt who inspires questions like 'how does he dress himself in the morning without his mum?' Even if Grace doesn't drop him for the first mildly more famous TV presenter that comes along and they stay together for life it'll be one of misery for the humble scouser. He'll become a shell of a man, reminded constantly whose money is paying for his slow demise into alcoholic middle-age, as the queen bitch takes one lover after the other in a vain attempt to prove she's still attractive... hold on, she never was... well, you get the picture.

Bitch To The Bitter End

Grace couldn't resist being a complete cunt right up to the moment she left. Clearly the girl is going to be a bitch for life because even knowing for a fact she is totally despised doesn't seem to be enough to make her change her ways. Usually when inmates get kicked out there is the usual two faced hugging and well wishing from the cunts who've stabbed you in the back the whole time. Usually the evictee takes it all on the chin. But not this bitch. No way, hose.

As those left behind gathered around to send her on her way Grace took the opportunity to make it absolutely clear how she felt about some of the other cunts left behind. Susie went to say goodbye and Grace responded by throwing a glass of water over the dull silicone enhanced kit kat kunt. "Sorry," Grace said insincerely as she headed for the door. "Oh my god! Oh my god, why did you do that?" Susie shrieked. "What did you do that for?" Aisleyne demanded. "That's so aggressive." "Shut the fuck up, right," Mikey squared up to Aisleyne. "How dare she," Aisleyne screamed. "Oh Aisleyne, shut up you moose," Grace said as she kissed goodbye to her under bitchlings. "Why should I shut up?" Aisleyne carried on. "How dare you do that to someone you...you bitch."

Grace left to a torrent of jeers from the public outside. What a complete cunt that girl is. I hope she dies horribly and then burns in hell. I couldn't really give a fuck about Susie or Aisleyne, but I really do hate Grace. For someone who is so ugly on the inside and out you'd think she'd realise she needs to make more of an effort when it comes to her social skills. Still when mummy and daddy wipe your ass for you I suppose you don't need friends. You can always buy them.

Big Chudder House Grace Less

Tonight's eviction was no surprise. Queen of Bitches Grace was voted out by 87.9% who felt paying the premium rate was worth getting the hoochie mamma out, which makes her slightly less hated than Sezer.

Did I say no surprise? Well not to anyone with a brain, which excludes fellow nominee Nikki who was looking especially orange, her squidgy face coated in face paint. Looking shocked at the announcement she wondered aloud how she survived in a competition of who was least hated against the most hated person in the UK. A right conundrum for the lobotimised loser. And we were so satisfied to watch as the dance teacher bitch was booed as she left by the attendant "We Hate You Grace" banner-waving public. So there is justice in the world after all... God bless all you voters.

Surprise Romance

Whistling monkey Pete might not be everyone's idea of Don Juan, but he has surpassed the other inmates when it comes to catching the ladies' eyes. Lea, Aisleyne and Lisa have all expressed more than a passing fancy. Lisa wanted to knock him out and stuff his flaccid member into her gaping gash mouth while grunting like a neanderthal. Aisleyne and Lea wanted to use him as a life sized dildo and rub his body between their breasts, while touching their own pancake sized nipples together (it didn't work though because Pete kept on spasming at the wrong moments).

Grace and Imogen have been known to rub each other off over a picture of him in the privacy of the bathroom. Even new girl Susie has started trying to press her inexplicably clean fanny against his jerking body. And the men aren't immune either. Mikey imagines Pete when he fails to get anywhere with pug faced hoochie Grace and has to satisfy himself. Glyn, who is a constant state of teenage arousal tainted self disgussted by denials concerning his sexuality, has even pulled himself and imagined what Pete's forbidden love would be like. Big Gay Dick wants to bend the monkey boy over and bugger him senseless.

But Pete has not succumbed to any of these sirens. There is one person and one alone in the house that seems to have stirred his blasphemous loins into action and surprisingly that is tunnel mouthed Nikki. The odd couple have shared a few snogs and are beginning to get close. But Pete is feeling morose as Nikki is now up for eviction. Completely unnecessary as Nikki's against uber cunt Grace and therefore guaranteed to stay in. Lea attempted to discuss Pete's feelings with him earlier saying he was acting a bit weird. That's like saying Hitler was a bit mean considering Pete is a whistling monkey who can't help swearing at everyone who comes near him. And the band member, unemployed cartoonist, part time transvestite is hardly the archetypal footballer Nikki described as her ideal man.

So overall the pairing could be quite sweet and surprisingly for Big Chudder genuine. Let's hope this develops into something that lasts a bit longer than their combined fame. In spite of our slightly offensive descriptions of Pete in the Big Chudder column we do really like him. And although we find Nikki really irritating we wouldn't want her to become some football team's ball-bag - a fate which Pete would save her from.

Completely Unaware Self Deluded Cunts!

There's an element of deja vu when I write this post. It feels like the material has already been used. Mostly it seems because Grace is so relentlessly nasty that hardly a couple of days can pass without her saying extremely unpleasant things. Surely no-one can be so self-unaware as Grace not to realise how bitchy she's being and why such behaviour has contributed to her nomination. But it seems in her case at least that's the way it is. She is utterly clueless.
So to business. In the early hours the usual suspects: Lisa, Grace and boy puppet Mikey were relishing a typically bitter bitching session. No one, not even usual ally Imogen, escaped their sharp tongues.

Susie was the first to be lashed. "I don't think she's got much time left in the House," Mikey opened. "I fucking hope not!" Lisa replied. The chinese born Manc's main beef with the kit kat kunt competition winner is that Susie seems to be particularly conscientous about her feminine hygiene. Lisa, however, is a complete animal and doesn't believe in washing. Her gash is coated with a selection of weeping sores, pus addled warts, stains from various bodily fluids and a bush that dangles to her knees and covers her navel.

"I can't imagine the public liking her," Grace growled. "If I had to look at another picture of her wrinkly face up on one of those boards I was going to spew." Grace has been handed everything in life. Simply by looking at her face you can see she's not particularly sharp and was never going to be a great mind. Her statement reinforces this as winning Big Chudder is nothing to do with who the public likes, but actually who they hate the least - a position Grace is about as far away from as humanly possible. She further proved her complete lack of loyalty by bitching "Imogen is starting to spend way more time with all that lot."

Blond slab of gristled meat Aisleyne was next. Whenever I see her I always think of slightly bristly ham. I expect her to smell like pork and have hairs on her chin. Not sure why. Anyway Mikey opened again :"One minute she is a normal, decent bird... next minute she's a weirdo." Showing her classlessness Grace squealed "I can't stand her... she thinks she's fucking God's gift and she's a moose!" Lisa then chimed in, "Have you seen the fucking state of her? She's a fucking dog." Aisleyne is a dog. Like Lea and Susie, the mutton badly dressed as lamb cap really fits on Aisleyne, but Lisa is far worse to look at, truly vomit-inducingly ugly. And again I find myself amazed that these inmates are so blind to their own faults. It's like an obese person calling someone a little chubby 'disgustingly fat.'

"Grace don't have to put make-up on to look good," Mikey commented to Grace's delight. That's right Mikey, Grace doesn't (not 'don't' Mikey - 3rd person remember?) have to use make-up. For Grace to look good someone would just have to take a blow-torch to that hoochie's face, melt it off and then transplant on one from someone good looking. Otherwise it ain't gonna happen! But Mikey is such an inane, numb cunt (I'd love to punch his stupid face in almost as much as I'd love to batter Grace) he was totally sincere. Finally Grace attacked the person who had offered her the most support when she was nominated for eviction - Big Gay Dick. "People don't like snidy people that are two-faced." You never said a truer word in your life Grace, which is why on Friday you're going to be voted out and hopefully mobbed by angry moral bastions.

Model Citizens

A quick countdown now of the number of inmates who are models... or claim to be. I've never seen any of the fuckers modelling shit, but then again I don't subscribe to mail order catalogues. Although with the amount of porn I digest I'm surprised I haven't cum across (get it?) Lea before. Ah! So much porn and such little sperm! Anyway down to the bollocks:

Mikey Model
Susie Model
Nikki Model
Lea Model
Aisleyne Model
Imogen Model
Lisa Don't be silly!

Which means 6 out of 11 of the inmates, over half, reckon their looks make them a living. Personally I think they'd be lucky to get work giving out leaflets outside a railway station.
So either the agenices in these inmates' areas are run by the visually impaired or, and this is probably the reality, being a 'model' is now a euphemism for not having a job. Not surprising they're doing this chud.

Pathetic

With so many inmates already ousted, an absurd chocolate related promotion, and generally the biggest collection of cunts in the world all together in one place you'd have thought more exciting things would be happening in the Big Chudder house. Sadly, not the case. It may have something to do with the fact that numb twats like Mikey are amongst the people in there. The model from the north whose personality was removed at birth came up with what he thought was a hilarious prank, but just bemused the rest of us. At half two this morning Mikey went around with his electric razor and held it to the ear of some of the others who were sleeping.

I'm not sure why this is funny and the inmates didn't seem to understand either. Imogen, who is terminally dull, was first up. She was always going to be hard work, but Mikey seemed determined - sad cunt. "What the f*** is that?" she squealed. "Wasps... they're buzzing around everywhere. A swarm of wasps," Mikey laughed. Hilarious. Mikey then turned to Glyn who was actually still awake. The lifeguard, cum beach wimp, had just finished having a wank over Lea's tits and was playing with the semen drying on his stomach. "What buzz do you get from that?" Glyn asked as cool as a welsh James Bond. "Why are you enjoying putting hair clippers by my ears?" Mikey clearly had no answer and now has to live with the fact he was quickly and effectively put down by a teenager. Cussed.

But Mikey's 'antics' raise a serious philosophical question, which is: If God is indeed a just entity then why are dull cunts like this alive and well, while legends like John Thaw a.k.a Inspector Morse and Richard Whiteley a.k.a Mr Countdown have sadly moved on. When I get to heaven I'll ask God and I'll be very interested to hear what he has to say.

Glyn Flahses His Tool

Glyn jumped out of bed in the early hours this morning wearing nothing but a small handtowel. And the young lad was sporting a hard-on that would have made his Pot Noodle mining countrymen proud. He sprinted to the bathroom to sort himself out. "Glyn just had a hard on!" Aisleyne screamed in a common high pitch voice. "He tried to cover himself and couldn't," Richard said smiling and wondering what he could do with Glyn's proud penis.

Glyn then returned and jumped back into bed realising everyone was discussing his hard-on. "I thought you were all asleep!" he claimed. "Did you just wang?" Richard asked imagining him and Glyn wanging each other off. "What does wang mean?" Glyn asked back under his duvet. When the penny dropped Glyn denied bringing himself to orgasm with his own hand, but the contented smile on his face suggested otherwise. The young boy's actions do raise some more serious questions though? Firstly what is he doing sleeping naked? And secondly how long will it be before Big Gay Dick, the only gay in the house, starts sexing Glyn off?

Glyn's Wet Dream

Sweet Glyn. So young, so innocent and as horny as a 12 year old with a fresh box of kleenex, the latest copy of the Sport and an unopened pot of vaseline. Glyn, whose entrance to the house was a spectacular failure, has revealed that his hormones are running wild. And, being naive, he thinks that he might be in with a chance with one or both of the two 'ladies' he likes. Glyn named the objects of his lust to Grace, Imogen and Lisa.

First up there was Aisleyne. Grace who is so out this Friday was typically unable to control her bitchiness. (I'd say she was posessed, but I refuse to let her avoid responsibility for being such a thorough cunt head. God, how I hate that bitch!) "Do you not like more natural looking girls that look the same without make-up as they do with make-up?" (In Grace's case that would be a state of permanent hideousness with a weird sort of rubbery, disproportionate lips and nose. Good thing she's got money because without it she'd be even less attractive.) But Glyn who doesn't have a mean bone in his body ignored the dig, claiming it was Aisleyne's personality that appealed to him. That and the fact she shoves her gash in his face so much he can probably smell it permanently. Next it was Lea who probably appeals to Glyn the way Bridgett Nielsen did to me when she was in Beverley Hills Cop - pneumatic breasts, blond hair and inexplicably appealing female muscle tone. According to the young lad north Wales is devoid of such striking women. No comment.

Pete Tells Lisa She's A Cunt

Not really. But they did have a little argument. Pete has grown closer to Lea, Aisleyne and Nikki... and further from hideous swamp creature Lisa who is a raving, piss-stained ho. In the bedroom Pete came to try and reassure Lisa one last time. Through a series of intricate whistles, rapid hand gestures and profanities Pete communicated the following: "You alright Lise? I don't want you to go. Stop telling me that I do, 'cos I don't." "You do," Lisa muttered through her blistered lips. "Because..." "I don't," Pete whistled furiously. "How many times do I have to tell you?! I like you! YOU ARE MY FRIEND!" Pete then ambled out of the room like a put out orangutan.

"But he did. I said to him 'I bet you wish it was me that was going' and he gave me the smuggest grin ever," Lisa told Grace and Nikki. All three harpies pursued Pete to the kitchen where he was peeling a banana. "Lisa, you are the most paranoid person I've ever met." "I'm not," she screamed. "You are!" he gestured. "I'm not!" "Are! Are! Are!" Pete jumped up and down. "Just. Chill. Out!" Nikki couldn't contain herself. She dropped to her knees, fumbled with Pete's flies and took his incredibly large penis into her mouth. She blew him while he tried to continue his argument with Lisa, who was now crying - her scrunched up face managing to make her look even uglier than usual. But within minutes Nikki, who was trained to perform fellatio because of where she grew up, had taken Pete's spilt seed in her mouth and swallowed it down. Pete seemed far less agitated and quickly went to sleep. Lisa carried on crying to herself. No one could bear to look at her, so didn't bother comforting her.

Big Gay Dick And Lea Fight Over Whistling Monkey

Richard and Lea used to be best mates. The idea of being separated when they were facing eviction with old cock broker Sezer had them in tears. Big Gay Dick decided he couldn't handle the growing rift any longer. So he dressed up as a Thunderbird and went on a mission to rescue his friendship with the disgusting peroxide blond. "I'm fucked off with the way the house is changing," Lea responded to Richard's question of what had gone wrong between them. "You've changed and I don't know why." "I think the environment has changed in here and I think you're like the girls, you're suspicious," Richard replied. "I was your biggest defender." But Lea seemed determined to avoid the issue and instead said she felt stuck in the middle feeling sorry for Susie, but loving Nikki, Grace and Lisa.

"Everyone's getting agitated in this House," Richard persevered. "Those girls are like little atom bombs about to explode. When this kicks off..." "...I'm walking away," Lea finished. "And I'm taking Pete with me." Pete who had been eating a selection of fruit and nuts from his small, but versatile paws, turned and whistled at the sound of his name. He came bouncing over, his leash dragging between his legs. "Wankers?" he asked on arriving between the two. "The hell you're taking Pete," Big Gay Dick said, making a lunge for the small simian. But this time the sex terrorist was too slow. Lea scooped Pete up, crushed him whistling to her outsized breasts, and stormed off. Richard collapsed onto the sofa and started crying like a bitch.

Grace Guarantees Her Eviction

Proving that she is thick and ugly Grace sought revenge against posh mother Susie for nominating her for eviction this Friday. Susie, whose husband 'bought' her place in the Big Chudder house, was the only inmate who got to nominate people. She also chose brick-chewing, barn door mouth Nikki. Grace who has been bitching she doesn't understand why she is so hated, performed a characteristically malevolent act with fellow nominee Nikki. The disastrous duo stole a bottle of champagne from new ho Susie and then snuck off to the bathroom to drink it. Halfway through the bottle northern alchie Lisa who can smell booze three counties away and makes Gary Glitter look attractive, found them. Welsh bore Imogen was with her. Lisa demanded someone 'gave' her a drink, but Imogen declined the champagne on account of being generally dull.

Lisa said something about stealing chocolates, but it was hard to decipher the exact words. "We're going to get punished," Grace said. "She shouldn't have picked us. This is revenge." Of course she missed the irony that this sort of behaviour was what got the evil bitch picked in the first place. After their drink the lightweights classily stumbled into the bedroom and told Mikey what they'd done. "We did the lot. We drank her champagne," Grace slurred. "She went into the Diary Room and we just ran in. Funny as fuck!" At this point Mikey stared at Grace for what seemed a very long time before saying "I think I'd rather have a wank than sleep with you. You disgust me, you sick heathen bitch." Or did he? You decide!

Grace vs. Nikki

It's the ho down of the year... well, month... In the bizarre chud that is the Big Chudder world its Nikki and Grace up for eviction this week. Finally that bitch is going to get some justice and I might even watch the show that night, rather than drinking myself into a coma as I wonder where my life's going/gone. I can't wait to see the reaction from the crowd as that mangled, pug nosed hoochie mamma slag Grace walks out the door. People will be screaming stuff like 'I fucking hate you' and 'I hope you die, bitch' or just 'die cunt! Die!' Grace will be on the verge of blubbing as the plastic water bottles begin to rain down around her and Davina tries to persuade the deformed mutant it's just pantomine stuff. Is it bollocks? It's real, pure and unadulterated loathing - deserved and given. For Grace and Davina.

Nikki, for her part, is both irritating and childlike, but still alot more pleasant than Grace. And after hearing the public reaction last Friday she must love the fact that she's up against Grace. She could be really nasty to Glyn or Pete all week and still not lose to old rubber face Grace. The nominations came from Susie, the new Kit Kat Kunt inmate, who looks like a leftover from Dynasty and is only in the house because her husband (pity that fool) spent £4000 on the chocolate covered wafer snack. Then again if you were married to it £4000 is nothing to have a break from that bitch. Anyway this Friday some of you will call through and as a result have some impact on the decision. One of those bitches is gonna get fired.