Susie - Kit Kat Kunt

The golden ticket winner turned up tonight. Out of 54 or whatever finals the producers chose another tedious contestant - on the premise presumably that she was different and would cause further shite in the house. She's 43... she's supposedly a model (so many of them around these days, does anyone actually do anything else for a living?!?) and she's had a tit job. So like Lea she started out rough, spent a load of money and ended up looking worse.

I hope Kit Kat got some mileage out of this ridiculous PR stunt because I doubt the rest of us will...

Everybody Hates Grace

Possibly the best Big Chudder moment to date was tonight's 'Get Grace Out' chanting voiced by members of the public, while the inmates waited for the nomination results. Everyone heard it in the house and in spite of some lame attempts to hide the truth the fact is everybody hates the bitch - because she is snide, manipulative and scheming.

Almost as good was seeing the vindictive demon burst into tears as the chorus continued. "You heard and I heard it," she blubbed as some of the inmates (relieved they're not as hated by the outside world) tried to comfort her. Grace's theory for being so roundly hated was about as credible as she is charming: "It's because I get into bed with Mikey and they think I'm shagging him," she thought. "Fuck them, they're just jealous. You're a pretty girl with a gorgeous body," welsh bore Imogen told the ugly ho with the repulsive physique. "It's easy to say fuck them. But to hear people hate you that much..." Grace started blubbing again. This time it was Richard who hugged her with his big gay arms.

In the diary room a little later Grace continued to try and understand why she's so hated. "They must have portrayed me as some slag or hoochie mamma (???), I know what girls are like," Grace whined. "But I was just being myself. Maybe I should have been backstabbing like everyone else." Realising that was too much bollocks to expect anyone to believe she back tracked: "Maybe I've been over-bitching but I'm sure I haven't. I don't shit-stir," she said. "But I must be doing something wrong."

Here's a clue bitch: you do slag everyone off, even that numb cunt you're having the infantile relationship with; you do shit-stir and you are a nasty, unpleasant character; plus you openly lie about doing all that and lamely attempt to make out you're a nice person; and while the rest of us are struggling to get on the property market your mum bought you a house... have some of that.

Sam Out

Proving there's no justice in the world Sam was evicted tonight, not Nikki. The bloke who has as much claim to being a woman as I do (actually I'm prettier) was voted for by just over 50% of the vote. So not as hated as Sezer, but still hated more by the viewing public than Nikki - or those that called the premium rate line anyway. I didn't. In fact I didn't even see the eviction. I was nursing a hangover from the night before when I drank a shit load and ended up talking with some ex para in one of the most horrible clubs I've ever been awake in. But I'm still pissed off about the decision. I had high hopes that Sam would turn proper stalker pyscho and slaughter every last cunt in there. Oh well... maybe on the last show he/she'll pull something out of the bag.

Anyway Nikki, a professional Vanessa Feltz impersonator, is set to stay and annoy the fuck out of us with her snapped elastic rubber band mouth for at least another week.

Richard Takes A Shit

Big Gay Dick took a crap this morning. A great big steaming log. He was going to hold the chud in until toilet attendant Imogen clocked off, but found holding the strain a pain. So he suggested she take a break, then rushed in and dropped his load. As usual stalker Sam was hanging around the toilets like a sick voyeur weirdo hoping to catch a glimpse of anything. Big Gay Dick told him to get out prior to dropping his friends off at the pool, which seemed to upset Sam. Lea however hasn't been for a shit yet though. She claims 22 days without a single pebble. "Twenty-two days in and you still haven't taken a shit? That's humanly impossible," Richard cried with disbelief. "Do you want to feel my colon?" Lea asked - disgusting bitch!

Glyn though seems quite active in the bum department. He is supposedly farting extensively throughout the night. Glyn claims the farts don't smell, while he giggles under his duvet at the thought of the other inmates breathing in his poo flakes, but Lea is not amused. "Glyn keeps farting in the bedroom - it's foul," she told welsh bore Imogen. "He's like 'mine don't smell.' Oh yes they do! It's horrendous." It seems Glyn is finally kicking up a bit of a stink.

Grace And Lisa Late Night Bitch

The dastardly duo are at it again. Grace reminds me of some evil master-mind and Lisa is her hideously deformed henchthing - like Frankenstein, but Chinese with a mancunian accent. Aisleyne is the latest target of the angry ladies' focus. Lisa kicked it off with a fairly self explanatory statement:"I've just been telling Mikey that I hate Aisleyne." "I fucking can't stand her either," Grace said. "I get jealous cos she gets her tits out in front of Pete," Lisa confessed. Although to be fair Lisa should be jealous of every other human being because they are not so offensive to the eye as she is. "Most guys, if they have any sense, wouldn't go near her. She's a dog," Grace told Lisa. Grace, herself, is not a dog, but she is complete scum. God! I can't wait until she comes out of the house. I'm really hoping an enraged mob will throw animal excrement at her. I HATE THAT CUNT!

"Have you seen her without her make-up ... she's a dog," Lisa reiterated. "She has no class." As opposed to Lisa who makes Princess Di look like a chav. "And she sat there and goes ... 'parp'," presumably alluding to Aisleyne breaking wind. "I do it, but I can get away with it," Lisa said. In truth the manc ho's train wreck of a face does hide a multitude of other sins. "You do it, but you're funny," Grace smiled. "I hate fucking Richard," Lisa went on. A statement. which came as a shock because we didn't know Lisa had been fucking Big Gay Dick. But the sex terrorist has openly stated that in sex war there are no innocent casualties. "We ain't fucking bitches," Lisa said futiley attempting to defend her position. "We are," Grace truthfully admitted. "But Aisleyne is a bitch!"

After another awkward pause, which showed the two cunts have nothing but hate in common, Lisa stepped closer to Grace. She place one swollen claw hand on Grace's shoulder and looked meaningfully into her eyes. Grace seemed to shudder. "Don't fight it Grace... just go with it," Lisa said softly. "Pretend I'm Imogen if you like. I don't care as long as I get to lick your gash clean out..." It seemed for a moment that Grace was going to let Lisa eat her, but she caught a glimpse of the thing's face in the mirror, which instantly broke the spell. She made an excuse and rushed out of the room.

Kit Kat Cunts Cometh

This Friday the Kit Kat Cunt Hunt comes to a close. According to C4's official Big Brother site the mania has been sweeping the nation. Must have bypassed London then because I didn't notice it. Apparently thousands of people have been searching their wrappers hoping to be the lucky ones to enter the house. Or not as Ebay shows. I'd like to enter the house so I could stab everyone, but unfortunately I'm not sure that makes me quirky enough to get in.

At the moment there are 56 hopefuls who see the show as a platform to fame and fortune. Big Chudder will be running strict tests to ensure that whoever goes into the house is a complete cunt who is guaranteed to irritate the viewing public and fuck off the other cunts already in there. If proof was needed that this country was really in the shit then the following 2 winners provide it:

Su Lindsey, 50, claims she is an older 'better looking' version of Lea - not much of an achievement really. Su bought her ticket on Ebay for £600, presumably from someone reasonably stable. And then there's Big Chudder fan Susan Carter who bought over 10,000 KitKats to find a ticket, but is actually allergic to chocolate. So that's about 3 grand's worth of chocolate covered wafers. Would've been much funnier if she's bought all the bars and not won. I hope she doesn't get in. Anyway which cunt will get through? You don't decide.

Nikki versus Sam

I hate them both equally. Although sometimes late at night while I'm struggling to sleep I wonder if my hatred for Sam is really masking some deeper feelings like love... let's face it, she's the only looker in there. What am I saying? It's the insomnia talking...

Anyway usual shocked reactions from the nominees and the inmates who voted for them. Typical looks of "Oh my God! You're up for eviction, which is so unexpected seeing as I voted for you." Pete and Aisleyne helped to console Sam, while everyone else flocked around Nikki. Fantastic example of the two faced, back stabbing cunts' false behaviour all round. Great! Aisleyne, Glyn, Pete and Lea voted for Nikki while Aisleyne, Glyn, Grace, Mikey and Nikki voted for Sam. Impressive that five people want him out of their lives after knowing him for less than a week. Hopefully a couple more people will walk out in protest and this charade will end early.

Evil Grace Sheds Crocodile Tears

Completely spoilt bitch and inappropriately named Grace had a 'good, old cry' tonight. She sought comfort in the arms of ally Lisa, who has been facially disfigured from birth. No lesbian stuff happened although Lisa did 'accidentally' brush Grace's side swell areas a couple of times. The dance teacher seemed too emotionally distraught to notice the babbling manc ho's fingers creep towards her nipples for a playful pinch. "I'm just fed up with all the bitching and the backstabbing," Grace whined. It seems the two faced crap in the house is getting her down, which is ironic because she's responsible for most of it. "After today, don't fucking trust Nikki one fucking little bit," she whispered. "Short-arsed little twat - says me!" Grace laughed at this and seemed to cheer up, which knackers her whole argument about bitching and back-stabbing getting her down. In fact anyone else might have turned to Lisa and said "You haven't listened to a fucking word I've said, have you?" But as we know Grace is an evil bitch who loves the nastiness.

Lisa decided the time was right and touched one of Grace's lemon size breasts. She looked at Grace meaningfully, almost asking with her narrow eyes if this was okay. Grace seemed stunned and only reacted when Lisa moved in for the kiss. Grace responded at first, but then pulled away. "No... no, I can't..." she said. "Why not? How can something that feels so right be wrong?" Lisa asked. "Because... because I'm in love with Imogen... I'm sorry... and even if I wasn't you're too ugly..." Lisa looked devastated as Grace made another clumsy apology and left. The event has apparently cost bookies nationwide a small fortune. Not that Grace and Lisa kissed, but that demonic dance teacher was capable of crying. "We didn't think it was possible," one bookie commented. "We've taken a real hit on this one..." Who's crying now, mo' fo's?

Sam Suggests Lea Should Back Off

Scary Sam had a chat with Lea this morning about her inability to leave Pete alone. In an attempt to sound deep and insightful that made our skin crawl, Sam tried telling Lea to let the whistling monkey have his own space. "He's got the characteristics of the two people I love," Lea argued her corner, talking about her sons. "I like to cook him breakfast - it stops me missing my boys too much."

"You're being too overly 'mummy' to Pete," Sam responded, suggesting the whistler needed room to breathe. "If Pete didn't have me in here who the fuck would he have? What other genuine person would he have, really, to talk to, to open up to, to have a hug with?" Lea defended her position. "He gets on quite well with Mikey," Sam whined pathetically. By this point the scary she-woman was probably regretting her attempt to discuss the whole thing in the first place. "No one takes time to understand him, no one takes time to really talk to him or care about him, so who would he have if I weren't here?" Lea carried on moodily. "He's my disabled pet... no-one else's... mine! If any cunt tries to patronise and treat him like a handicapped creature I'll chin 'em."

Sam went distinctly pale at this point. "I'm the only who knows what his whistles mean. Me! NOT YOU, YOU SICK ORANGE TWAT!" At this point Sam ran for the kitchen hoping to reach the drawer, which contained the knives first. Lea had picked up a chair and looked ready to use it. Total violence was only avoided because Lisa stepped out of the bathroom. The sight of her ruined visage was enough to make the other two run for cover, all thoughts of killing forced from their minds.

Pete Refuses Tit Wank

Speculation was rife last night that whistling monkey Pete either has very good eyesight, impeccable taste or both. The Brighton boy refused the 'temptation' of sharing a bed with bleached blond slags Lea and Aisleyne. "Most red-blooded males would drool over the prospect of sharing a bed with two buxom blonds," C4's official Big Brother site commented. True... they probably would, but unfortunately the description doesn't apply to Lea or Aisleyne, who are both painted lady dogs. "Come in bed with us Peter," Lea demanded like the ho she is. Aisleyne giggled lying beside the porn star. "I can't. It's too hot," Pete quickly said trying to stop himself from vomiting at the thought of Lea's concrete breasts crushing his nose to pulp. "I'll be hot and sweaty and squashed."

"That's what we're hoping!" Lea added. "Well if you get cold, we'll come and keep you warm." We only hope her son wasn't watching. Pete seemed to think the storm had passed, but desperate Lea wouldn't let him lie. "It's unsociable to be on your own," she teased like a surgically enhanced Mrs Robinson. "What is? To lie on my own?" Pete whistled, clearly confused by the ridiculous comment. "To play on your own... you shouldn't play on your own," Lea giggled. "You'll go blind!" Aisleyne added. "I'm not playing," Pete told them firmly. "I want to get some sleep and you two repulsive bitches don't seem to be able to take a hint! You're ugly, look about 60 and have a gash the size of the Dartmouth tunnel, Lea! And you Aisleyne... you're just a mismatched attempt to look good in a chavvy sort of way, but somehow fail completely. The idea of sticking my cock in either of you makes me sick to the stomach. I'd rather eat my own shit," he should've said, but didn't. And where was Lisa, Pete's supposed beau, throughout all this? Why, beating herself with the fugly stick, of course!

Sam Chuds Off In Diary Room

Non gender specific Sam went into the diary room and had a little bitch about Lea at about three this morning. (God, I pity the poor bugger who works the graveyard shift in the diary room... you're tired... pissed off about not getting to enjoy your weekends... on top of all that you have to listen to a bunch of cunts whine on about their pathetic arguments...) Anyway Sam said "The more I've got to know her, the more I don't trust her because she's very two faced. She likes to go away and have her little conversations with Aisleyne and various different people and she's very fake about everything."

Sam continued "I think she's a very clever woman with a game plan, because obviously she's very good at manipulating different situations... turning things back and making her look like 'oh my gosh - poor me' - and I'm kind of tired of that now. I think Lea is clinging onto Pete because she knows it means the longer she'll last in the House." While writing this post I have put in a formal request to be moved off this newsdesk because trying to make articles out of the raw shit this bunch of boring cunts provides is getting harder and harder. I've increased my medication and yet I still find myself wondering why... what's the point of it all...

"I'm not changing for anybody... I don't really want to play the game. If she's going to be nice to me to my face, I'll be nice to her. End of," the 19 year old it finished. I was sharpening my knives at the time and wondering how I could get into the house and do the job Sam seems incapable of. Inept cunt.

Backgarden Bitches

There's nothing like being really nice to someone to totally wind them up, as Lisa and Imogen proved this morning. The hatchet faced manc ho and the former professional model, full-time bore sat out in the sun bitching about new MAN/BLOKE/MALE Sam, who is consistently referred to in the feminine gender in spite of having a PENIS.

"I hope she isn't going to be nice as pie, I'll fucking walk all over her," Imogen said as she attempted to be hard. "She needs to toughen up." "Yeah, I hope she's learned," Lisa mumbled through the puss ridden sores that have developed around her hideous fish like lips. The pair then slagged Big Gay Dick off saying "he's trying to get everyone on his side," while that cow Lea "mothers Pete all the time." At this point Sam flounced over offering the miserable witches morning cups of tea. "No thanks babe," Imogen smiled in a way that didn't touch her eyes. "Hiya babe," Lisa faked.

Sam went back into the kitchen, by then the damage had been done. "Fucking knob," Lisa grumbled. "Making everyone tea in the morning. She's gonna fuck me off today." Personally we're behind the two garden bitches on this. I mean the audacity of that new guy offering people tea in the morning... What a complete cunt! Lisa should've scratched her... sorry his... eyes out.

Grace Lies

The storm brewing between Lea and Sam finally broke earlier this afternoon. Lea said some nasty things to Sam, who burst into floods of tears. Boo hoo. Was Lea mean to you freak-boy? Only one thing to do then: find the sharpest knife in the kitchen and cut that bitch up. DO IT! NOW! Grace meanwhile was laughing evilly like the Machiavellian bitch she is. The foetus faced one told Lea, Sam had been slagging her off, which directly led to Lea kicking off.

Pete and Richard ran after the pathetic tear shedding oompah loompah. Well, Richard ran and dragged Pete, who is 75% simian, after him on a lead made out of boot laces. After sorting Sam out with some sex terror Big Gay Dick turned his focus on Lea. He told the porn star she was bullying Sam. But Lea didn't seem to care. Her steel breasts mean she is essentially fearless even of someone as big and gay as Richard. Meanwhile Grace was making sure she cleared herself of any blame. The dance teacher, who is completely evil, said "Lea is treating Sam as a scapegoat. I asked Lea this morning if she's being saying things about me, but I didn't mention Sam once." Except when saying the orange she-male was a "shit-stirrer", which kicked the whole thing off. That Grace is going to get some shit when she emerges from the Big Chudder House.

Lea was still out in the garden making up with Lisa. It all ended dully with hugs and Lea saying "there's only one person in this House I don't trust now." She meant Richard oblivious to the fact that Grace has been playing them all like puppets. Meanwhile mild mannered Glyn had spent the whole time sobbing in a toilet cubicle asking why everyone couldn't just get on, in a strangled voice full of anguish. After a while he managed to calm himself enough to start singing some local folk songs in hiccups.

Lea Kicks Off

Lea's had it with weirdo Sam. The she-man (Sam not Lea) is increasingly unpopular in the house. Not surprising as he/she/it is such a waste of life and also a complete psychotic. But this incident revolved around the fact that Sam has apparently been slagging Lea off to Lisa and Imogen. But how could Lea know such a thing? Fortunately the kind hearted Grace, well-meaning as always, let her know.

"The girls thought she was being genuine, but I think she was shit-stirring," Grace told Lea in a butter wouldn't melt tone. Lea's response was one of naked rage (what a terrifying image).
"Fucking bastard... I'm gonna have it out with her," Lea fumed. "I'm fuming. I fucking hate two-faced back-stabbers and trouble-makers." Lea swore alot more, then tried to convince Lisa she was not a back-stabbing, two-faced bitch herself. "I swear on my son's life I've said nothing about people in here apart from Sam, the fucking bastard," she alleged. A hollow promise considering Lea's actions so far don't reflect much concern for the poor boy. "The new girls have come in here playing a game," Grace continued sweetly. A strange comment considering Aisleyne is the only girl that has come into the house. SAM IS A FUCKING MAN. "We've all got to live under the same roof, we don't need no fucking twat back-stabbing," 73 year old Lea raged. "Don't say nowt," Lisa suggested in her nails on blackboard voice. "She reminds me of Shahbaz," Lea finished up.

Sam Is Ignorant

Sam, short for Samuel not Samantha, has cottoned on to the fact that he, not she, is not universally adored by everyone in the Big Chudder House. In fact some people hate him, not her. Apparently Lea and Aisleyne slag him off when he's not there, but then bitch about other people when he is. But Sam knows who his mates are... at least he thinks he does. "If I want to talk to someone, I'll talk to Imogen because I trust her. I've bonded with her, she's lovely," he said, less than two hours after the welsh female impersonator had slagged Sam off. "I don't like people who are nice to your face when really they don't like you," Sam continued. Oh dear... "I was annoyed about it last night. Some people are playing games, but I can't be bothered. They can say whatever, but I'm not going to be mean or nasty." In his diary room interview Sam concluded by saying "I don't trust Lea... That makes me sad because she is a fantastic person."

For goodness sake make your mind up you she/he weirdo. And just for the record acting like a pussy doesn't make you more of a woman. Use the balls you were born with, and haven't yet had removed, then get out there and start killing people.