Sezer's Rule Comes To An End

Sezer, the gezer-sleazer-squeezer, cock-broker cunt is out. The twat reckoned when it came to the eviction he would take both Lea and Richard. To be honest we thought it'd be Lea that went, but clearly our call to oust the twat was heeded by the viewing public. Over 91% voted for the rat faced boy, who is equally hated it seems by both men and women in spite of his claims to be God's gift to women.

When the news was announced Imogen stared at Sezer with her emotionally dead eyes as she tried to figure out how this would affect her. Sezer walked out of the Big Chudder house to unanimous booing and then got interviewed by Davina. Pregnant McCall asked typically inane questions and tried to be funny while avoiding giving birth on the studio floor. Inmates who are genuinely pleased to see Sezer go will include whistling monkey Pete who had no contact with Sezer at all and Big Gay Dick. Sezer made Richard cry when he was mean to him. Shouldn't be long now before they all start turning on each other...

Mikey Wants To Gash Up With Aisleyne

Aisleyne, the washed out tart who has most recently been thrown into the Big Chudder mix, has been walking around with her arse hanging out. The brief flash of sun that some of us missed earlier on account of being stuck in a highrise office block in the middle of London, provoked her to mince about in a thong. In no way was Aisleyne attempting to attract attention, compliments or curry favour with male viewers. But in spite of her efforts to act modestly it wasn't long before lifesize puppet Mikey was drooling over the bleached blond dog's bum. He felt unable to control the red blood that seems to course through his loins and promptly gave the bottom, which has 50% porridge consistency, a good slap.

"Mikey is succumbing to his sexual fantasies," Pete communicated through a series of whistles and shadow puppets. "It's just a matter of time now," Lea commented. "I saw him staring yesterday," Pete said between bouts of uncontrolled swearing. "He wants your flange," Lea put in showing her inherent class. "Shut up!" Aisleyne squealed with delight. "Are you joking? He's got a girlfriend... When was that, when was he looking?" "Yesterday, he was staring at you" Lea replied. "You got the tits and ass, you got it going on girl." "You are naughty," Aisleyne said blandly.

Not long after Aisleyne was alone in the bedroom. Mikey strolled in wearing nothing but a towel. He walked over to where Aisleyne lay, grabbed her by the ears and tried to pull her mouth towards his groin area. Aisleyne pulled free and ran out of the room screeching with laughter.
Looking slightly lost Mikey then sat down on the edge of the bed and started pulling him off using one of Lea's bras to catch the huge amount of sex wee that has built up in his balls.

So it seems Mikey is no longer interested in his "girlfriend", which is presumably Grace. Not surprising as Grace is evil, ugly, twisted and has the figure of a ten year old boy. Aisleyne is a dog, but still marginally more attractive. Just... Smooth, Michael, smooth...

Stalker Sam

We knew it! We knew it! And we told you about it as well! Mooky.net was first to predict the stalker like qualities of Sam after he licked Nikki's saggy bum clean inside out. We advised that his background check might not have been as thorough as it should've been and what happened in the early hours is just more proof.

Grace was the deserving victim of Sam's eery weirdness and she told Lisa about the whole frightening thing this morning. "Oh my god, last night, it was late... next thing I hear is rustling and then I see Sam's put her pillows at the bottom of my bed, staring at me, like this..." Grace then impersonated a staring pyschotic axe murderer, which even unnerved Lisa who has to live with looking at her own hideous face every day. "Aaargh," Lisa cried in shock horror, much the way we did when we saw her for the first time. "She woke me up, it freaked me out," Grace continued shakily. "She was going 'you're amazing, you're amazing'."

"She tells everyone they're amazing," Nikki butted in, in spite of lapping up the bullshit when it was directed her way. "Yeah, like everyone looks the same, everyone looks amazing, do they?" Grace bitched, her words dripping with pure venom. "And yesterday I was eating a banana, taking my hair out, and she comes over and puts it in a bun for me!" At this point the freak that is Sam walked into the room. "I couldn't sleep last night. I can go the whole night without sleeping," he revealed with all the enthusiasm of a manic depressive on a high. The others looked at each other with equal amounts of disgust and dread. "I think we should, like, totally empty the fridge and clean it out!" Sam then said raving like a sleep deprived loon on speed. "We can do it later," Grace spat while inserting her banana up her gash to stop it getting placed in a bun again.

So is this history repeating? Shahbaz Mk II? At the least a deranged fan who is half pyscho, half sociopath has been let loose in the house. Right now it's all love, love, love, but when that sick bitch snaps he's going to kill every single last one of those mugs in the most evil ways imaginable. We can't wait.

Childlike Romance Boredom

Twat couple Sezer and welsh bore Imogen bored me to new heights of nauseating tedium today. The pathetic couple, who believe they are both extremely good looking, spent time reminiscing about their supposed romance, which if analysed closely comes down to the following:

1) Shallow Sezer perceives Imogen as the most attractive girl, ergo, he wants to fuck her.
2) Imogen is deeply insecure, aware on some level that outside her passable looks she has nothing to offer, and therefore is prepared to whore herself for an ally

A few kisses, pathetic fumbling and general lack of sex not only suggests that Imogen is deeply frigid, but also that the romance is only set to last as long as it helps her cause. And she's only going to ho herself a little bit. Anyway the couple just spoke chud about how they first met (a little more than a fortnight ago as opposed to fifty fucking years - pair of cunts), how it was all a blur, what the liked about each other (unsurprisingly all physical based) before Imogen ran out of vocabulary. Then they pursued some adolescent groping for a minute before Imogen realised Sezer was trying to put his fingers in her healed over gash and the whole thing stopped. Maybe Sezer will be joining life size puppet Mikey in that dark spot between Diary Room doors where they can furiously masturbate their frustrations away together.

Lea Advises Sam On Plastic Surgery

Bizarre she-man Sam had a tit to tit chat with porn queen Lea early this morning. He revealed to Lea that going under the knife for a boob job scared him. "You see, when it comes to big boobs and stuff, I'm kind of scared," he confided to Lea (the one woman on the planet who you think would scare the shit out of him then). "Why?" Lea asked as one her implants ruptured slightly and a greyish, sticky goo began soaking into her blouse.

"Well, say I decided to go for a boob job, what size would I go for?" Sam asked. "They'll only put implants in that your skin's gonna stretch to, I reckon you'd be able to get a 500cc implant in that," Lea replied in a regional accent, putting her hand on Sam's flat chest. "That'll take you up to a double E. They'll look fantastic", Lea went on. So what has the blond shell had done? "I've had a nose job, my teeth done, I've had Botox and four boob jobs," she boasted to Sam.

All that and she still looks fucking hideous and about fifteen years older than she is. Still one thing you can rely on - if she does ago tonight, irritating and permanently pregnant Davina is guaranteed to say something like "Doesn't she look gorgeous?" No she fucking doesn't.

Lea Gives Her Son More Mental Problems

Big titted Lea added to her son's fragile state of mind tonight by sharing a bath on national TV with a big gay bloke. Lea has already put her son through the shit of: selling his home to generate cash for plastic surgery; coming home with a pair of breasts that will turn him off women for life; starring in a porn film; appearing on Big Brother (claiming it's for his sake!? "Hey son... I'm doing all this self-indulgent shit so you won't grow up without experiencing the pleasures of a complete nervous breakdown"); and talking openly about enjoying piss stained cocks.

Big Gay Dick and Lea discussed the fact they're both up for the chop later today. "Even though I've repaired things with Sezer, if you go I'll be devastated," Richard told Lea as he soaped her oversized mammaries. "Oh Dickie," Lea purred. "Oh Dolly," Richard replied who isn't fussy when it comes to who falls victim to his sex terrorism. "I'm worried about Pete if he hasn't got anyone to have a laugh with, he'll go mad." Lea mused as Richard clumsily attempted to fist her. She started to wonder what having a bath with the whistling monkey boy would be like. All that splashing and swearing. Lea sighed heavily.

If she does get evicted (probably quite likely) then her chances of beating Lisa to pulling Pete's pudding are knackered. "Well, whichever one of us stays will have to look after him," Richard replied also wondering what a bit of loving with Pete would be like. "I think it's gonna be a toss up between me and Sezer," Big Gay Dick predicted. The two have been in a similar situation before. "Pete's gonna win Big Brother, and I want him to win it," Big Gay Dick went on. "Because then when I nail him, I'll be nailing a winner." Lea then got out of the bath, but Big Chudder chose not to broadcast this as her breasts had gone all wrinkly and looked like two giant prunes. Sick!

Big Baby Glyn Blubs

Welsh lifeguard Glyn who thinks he has the body of Adonis and some super powers was in tears tonight. Apparently one of the trains that featured in the last tedious task we didn't bother to report on reminded him of home. With the knowledge that the coal mine ridden dump is far, far away you would've thought Glyn's tears would've been ones of joy. But apparently the headboy with the body of a beach wimp is homesick. He went and told Big Chudder who offered no words of condolence and seemed relatively bored by the whole thing. "Boo hoo... does baby Glyn want his mummy?" the voice didn't say.

Glyn went to the lounge where Sezer was sitting stroking himself on the counch and wearing nothing but a thong. Sezer has been looking for a new bum chum since he fell out with Big Gay Dick. The cock broker stood up and started gyrating his hips, before suggesting a lapdance might cheer up the kid. Glyn left quickly and went to sit on his own in the garden. He sat there crying into the early hours and singing folk songs that his mother used to sing to him when he was in his crib... or some other bollocks. Anyway those cool kids at his school are going to give him some shit over this when term starts again.

Nikki And Lea Clash

Lea is so angry her breasts are fit to burst. She confessed to Glyn, who is obsessed by Lea's mammaries and dreams of touching them, that she is livid with football wife reject and all round thicky Nikki. "I'm really angry with Nikki. She nominated me," Lea growled. "How do you know?" asked Glyn, fantasising about what it would feel like to hold Lea's big tits... maybe take one of her plate sized nipples in his mouth...

"It doesn't take a master to work that out," Lea replied. "I gather that as well," Glyn said, as he wondered about situations he could engineer to catch Lea naked. "I am very mistaken about people. She is a manipulative two-faced liar. She is smarmy to your face ..." Lea seethed. "Stupid, bastard children." "She says things to Grace about us," Glyn droned on as he imagined licking Lea out. "This morning she wouldn't talk," Lea fumed. "Now she's up Grace's arse. It's ridiculous." "She told me how much she hated Grace and how false she is," Glyn continued. He was going to say more, but had by this point inadvertently spunked in his trunks. All that escaped his lips was a brief grunt. Glyn turned bright red, embarassed at his own disgusting behaviour, and slinked off to clean himself up like the dirty little boy he is. Little did he know that the whole time Lea had been thinking about shoving the welsh lad's face between her gigantic breasts before enveloping his shaved head in her loose gash.

Later Nikki decided to confront Lea. "I don't know what is going on," she shrieked like a common washerwoman. "You're giving me dirty looks and making comments. This is a GAME! We're not in here to work out who voted for who. It's a GAME!" Lea nodded as though in agreement, but still looked pissed. "I don't understand why I'm getting daggers thrown at me," Nikki carried on. "I feel a fool," Lea muttered. "I can't trust people." "I can't take this," Nikki replied as another dagger flew past her empty head. "It's not all about you," Lea shouted. It was at this point that Glyn suddenly appeared from nowhere. The young welsh man was completely naked and sporting an erection a six year old would've been proud of. "Lea... I want you," he shouted. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, isn't it?" Only then did he notice Nikki was in the room. She took one look at Glyn and pissed herself. Glyn's lob-on wilted immediately, he did a small chud that dropped onto the carpet between his feet and then ran red faced from the room.

Desperate Cry For Attention

Angry Dawn, who was kicked out of the house for using code, is determined to stay in the public eye. We'd hoped to see the last of the muscle bound militant, but Dawn clearly feels her 15 minutes of fame aren't up just yet.

Dawn has pledged to go on a hunger strike until she passes out unless Endemol and Channel 4 hand over unshown footage of her time in the house. She feels the show was edited to show her in a bad light and wants the truth to come out. To be fair no one cares whether she's seen in a bad light or not because a) most people have already forgotten about her b) no one cared when she was in there anyway.

Angry Dawn has also accused Big Chudder of refusing to hand over her suitcase, which contained the medicine to treat her skin condition eczema, and of detaining her against her will. She wants the tapes, which show her request to leave was refused to back up a complaint she has made to police. The body-builder also denies that she refused to wash in the house. While the show's producers are allegedly deleting any incriminating evidence and continue to claim Dawn was kicked out for breaking the rules, the hunger strike has begun. It's set to continue until Dawn passes out. So it seems all Big Chudder has to wait a few days and she'll finally shut up as she lapses into unconciousness. Anyway knowing old cheat Dawn, she'll probably eat something and pretend she hasn't.

Michelle McManus Talks Chud

Usually quite supportive of Big Chudder's Big Mouth and its off the wall humour, we have become disillusioned as a total result of the appearance of full time fatty Michelle McManus. The fat scot, who is possibly the most revolting woman in the world, appeared to give her tuppence worth. Obviously Channel 4 has pissed all its budget up against the wall if it's forced to feature such never were, never will be, has been cunts. McManus has done nothing since winning that shit show years ago except eat. And yet here she is prancing around like a hippo ballerina pretending she's some kind of star. Face it McManus: you won out of sympathy, it happened years ago and you're a liar about your weight loss.

I hate you, you horrible smelly loser. Now get off my TV screen and stay off. She made some comments as well, but I couldn't understand what they were and don't care anyway. God, I hate her.

Finally

It all kicked off last night. Sezer, Imogen and Big Gay Dick had the showdown that's been on the cards for days. Something about moonshine and not sharing the hooch kicked it off. Apparently some ridiculous twat has been attempting to brew their own booze using fermented apples, but not shared what is undoubtedly poisonous with the others. Well frankly I'd be pissed off too if someone refused to offer their liver wrecking poison with me as well. So add a bit of properly brewed booze, and some childlike refusals to share freshly delivered booze and the scene was set...

First up Mikey said that Big Gay Dick had made some derogatory remarks about Imogen. Put on the spot Big Gay Dick confessed and told her he thought she was a bit dull. Fair point. She's fucking tedious to watch. But Sezer wasn't having none of it. In a pathetic attempt to look manly he leapt to Imogen's defence and confronted his on/off boyf about this massive insult. Richard started to cry and suggested he should leave like everyone else. Imogen though said he should stay?! Glyn stuck his oar in. Alot of shouting and standing off ensued. Sezer tried to make out he was going to destroy people. I don't know. Anyway when the dust started to settle Sam managed to become the figure of hate by saying how he is always upfront and honest. This led to people screaming "What are you on about?" And "I hate you, you weirdo he-woman" along with "You're a cunt" and "You're dead, bitch." Sezer and Richard agreed to be civil, but not to have any other contact. So no more bum candy for Big Gay Dick from Sezer the cock broker then. Another floundered romance in the Big Chudder house.

Lisa Sheds Tears Like A Big Chudder

Lisa, who isn't even up for nomination (surprisingly since you would've thought having to look at that face every day would be more than enough to make the other inmates want her out), burst into tears when the news broke quarter of an hour ago. No sooner were the names of the most hated announced than the babbling idiot rushed off to her room for a good cry. At least we think she was crying, it's hard to tell with all those weeping sores on her hideous face.

Nikki and Grace tried to comfort Lisa, but she felt she needed to go and bum kiss nominees Lea and Richard instead. "My face is leaking... I feel like fucking shit!" Lisa wailed. "We've had such a laugh with Lea and Richard." Ironic considering Lisa nominated both of them. Lea for being false and attention seeking, and Big Gay Dick for being two faced. "You don't know who's going...it wasn't just you. It's not your vote," Grace continued trying to console Lisa.

"She has pissed me off lately!" schizophrenic Lisa went on to say about Lea. Lisa then went to the kitchen where Big Gay Dick spotted her snivelling snot stained face and said "Don't you cry. Me and you are mates forever. Don't apologise." "I'm sorry about Lea as well," Lisa blubbed. "I said some horrible things." We suggest that the only honorable thing Lisa can do is walk out of the house because she keeps on putting us off our food.

Nominations Time

Considering the number of people who walked or been kicked out, it couldn't have come round sooner. First up the first lady of plastic surgery Lea, the bionic breasted ho. Second Big Gay Dick. No surprise there after the canadian sex terroritst has become the focus of some real hate lately in the house. Last, but by far least, Sezer the cunt. Rat faced cock broker and on/off boyfriend of Big Gay Dick is up for the public vote too.

Here's your chance to make a real difference Mooky.net readers. Vote Sezer out. He's a true, through and through a-hole. However in spite of our wishes we predict that Lea will go. Sezer is confrontational so more likely to stay and we suspect that Big Gay Dick is gathering increasing popularity throught the viewing nation. No big loss. As our editor says she doesn't really exist anyway.

Thank God For Big Gay Dick

Yet again the canadian has proved less sex terrorist and more peace keeping force. Richard stepped in to resolve the issues between Lea, Lisa and Sezer. He brokered the deal by getting hold of Sezer. "I actually like Lea a lot," Sezer wept openly. "I enjoy talking to her... and I especially don't gossip behind her back." With that the snivelling coward was sent to Lea. Within moments the two were licking each other's backsides quicker than you can say sycophantic cunts.

"You're a great guy," Lea sobbed. "And you're a great woman," Sezer cried before being crushed against Lea's breasts, which are 75% concrete. Richard then got Lisa and Lea talking. "You don't need to apologise to me, you twat, it's me apologising to you!" bawled Lea pathetically. "I feel like a fucking twat, me," Lisa replied, before her mangled face was also pushed to Lea's horrendous bosoms. Richard couldn't resist the opportunity for a bit of 'accidental' groping and he got in on the hug bringing whistling Pete in with him. But Sezer is not content. Scheming from lounge he glowered at his on/off boyfriend Richard and seethed "he's loving the peacekeeper thing..."

Lisa, Lea and Sezer Have An Argie Bargie

Well not really. The storm is definitely brewing though. Apparently Lea said Lisa was a bunny boiler. Lisa confronted Lea about it. Lea said everyone thought the hatchet faced upholsterer had a touch of the Fatal Attraction about her, especially Sezer. Lisa then went and told Sezer. Sezer then walks in all bare torso and rat face, probably from a fresh seeing to by Richard, and gives it: "I've been told I was calling Lisa a bunny boiler - an' it came from you."

"You did say it," Lea eloquently argued back. "You heard me say it, did you?" fumed Sezer. "Well to me that means nothing. I know I didn't say it. I never use that term, bunny boiler." "No one else said it," Lisa then said. "Why did you make a big deal out of it?" "I thought Pete liked you," Lea replied, which doesn't really explain anything. All we reckon is Lea is jealous of Pete liking Lisa and decided to be a bit of a bitch about it because she wants the whistling monkey for herself. After a bit more crap Lisa and Sezer stormed out. Lea, left on her own and looking really fucking ugly and old, had a cry. Personally we thought she looked a bit like Jim Carrey in the Grinch.

And why isn't she shedding a tear over something important? Like the fact she's probably psychologically damaged the son she claims to be doing this farcical bollocks for, for life. The poor boy has watched her sell their home so she could get m and m tits, read in graphic detail his mum's starring role in a porn film and watches her ponse around daily on Big Chudder trying to pull a bloke half her age. Lea better hope she wins (although the chances are slim) because therapy isn't cheap. And where was Pete, the catalyst of the fall-out, all this time? Why, he was whistling and swearing contentedly in the kitchen. Bless the little fucker!

Mikey Wants A Wank

Life size puppet and professional Vernon Kaye impersonator Mikey is desperate for a wank. Getting nowhere with sloane wax work Grace, he is gagging to blow his biscuits and clear the tubes. But in a house full of motion sensitive cameras what can he do? "Do you reckon there's anywhere in here with no cameras. I mean, a blind spot," he asked the other inmates. "No," was the unanimous response. "In the Diary Room there's a door and then another door, with a space in between," he mused. The concept of Mikey squatting in some dark, dank behind the scenes spot frantically pulling his wood fills us with eual amounts of horror and disgust. But Mikey seems hell bent on this course of action. What must his mother think? Then again she washes his sheets so she probably already knows her son's a wanker. "The bathroom is the only place," said Grace. "But you can't even stand underneath the camera because it moves and follows you around."

"It would only get the top of your head though," Aisleyne chipped in, giving Mikey hope. "Last year there was the pool," Grace carried on. "But there are cameras underwater so now the only place is the bath tub." "There's a camera in the mirror," Mikey lamented. "You could use loads of bubbles," Grace suggested. By the way Mikey's face lit up, it seemed he had found the perfect place to empty his dirty water. Hopefully once he's done so he will feel ashamed and repulsed by himself, suffer severe trauma and never be able to masturbate again because frankly listening to the cunt try to figure out where he can have a toss is horrible. Even Grace's headmistress attempt to stop Mikey had no effect "But then you'd use up all the bubble bath." What should have happened at that point is Mikey should have used Grace's mouth. He would have got off and shut the fugly cow up. But as Big Chudder fans know by now Grace is not a team player. And also probably frigid.

Nikki Believes The Bullshit

Nikki went into the diary room and confessed she felt bad about slagging off fugly Grace tonight. No doubt inspired by Sam's crap about what a deep, emotional and all round great person she is, the thicko felt compelled to get some shit off her modest chest. "I really regret what I said about Grace," Nikki said. "There are lots of things I don't like about her, but I said some really awful things. Like, oh my God. I can't actually believe what I was saying. I wish I hadn't." Nikki labelled the sloane ranger the "epitome of shallow" and said "she bores me to death and makes me physically sick".

Nikki, who would apparently be great on the big screen went on to say "I feel sick, she's been so nice to me ever since and I feel so guilty. I was upset and I waited and waited and then I exploded. I mean I actually did explode. That's why I get sacked from jobs, I'm like a ball that's on fire." Mooky.net feels strongly that if we could be bothered to track down any of Nikki's previous employers we might discover she has been sacked in the past for being stupid and crap. "I'm going to have to tell her," Nikki said as she left, more than proving our point.

Sezer And Mikey Moan About New Bird Wossname

George has barely left the house, but as this post is being written is probably already shit faced and lamenting the fact he will never be able to lead a normal life again. But in recognition of his forgettable appearance on potentially the shittest Big Chudder ever, his cool gang friends Sezer and Mikey have formed a plan of attack against new slapper Aisleyne.

"The new girl Aisleyne, she's an idiot, I don't like her at all" Sezer bitched. "she's up herself, she's a tramp, got a face like a bulldog. She's gonna cause problems, we're gonna rub each other up the wrong way and Richard is gonna try to provoke it." At least Sezer's hoping for a bit of rubbing. Whether he wants it to be from Aisleyne or Big Gay Dick though he didn't say. But it seems that in spite of recent action with Big Gay Dick, Sezer is less than happy with the canadian. It seems Richard couldn't really give a shit that George has left. In fact according to Mikey, who is in fact a life size puppet, and Sezer who is a life size cock, Richard is even... shock horro... happy about George going.

"I don't want to be around Richard and Lea, they're conniving... I'm going to have a massive run-in with this guy. They're like, 'George is gone, this is wicked for us' " Sezer commented. "Richard's happy as Larry and it's winding me up, I can see it's a God send for him," Mikey agreed. What a cunt that Richard is eh? Anyone would think he's on some sort of gameshow where the last person standing wins a big cash prize and a few hundred grand from trashy magazines and daily rags. Unbelievable.

Sam Chats Shit To Thicky Nikki

Sam, the bizarre ladyboy that has been let into the house, has been bonding with social outcast and all round airhead ho Nikki. Revealing stalker like qualities that would scare the shit out of anyone with a single firing neuron, Sam told Nikki he had set up the Nikki Appreciation Society. "I think you're such an amazing person," she... sorry, he bum licked. "It's not just that you're drop dead gorgeous. But your personality ... you're such a deep person. I love your emotion. You're so good at portraying how you feel. I love that."

Presumably Sam is referring to the fact that Nikki starts crying at the drop of a hat like Bonehead Bonner used to. "You know you would be soooo good on the big screen," the weirdo went on to say. "Mmm," Nikki replied showing the full range of her acting range. "Everyone says that." No doubt after several drinks and the possibility of pulling anyone half decent has long past. "I have a vision of you being a movie star when you leave here," Sam continued to lay it on like the shit shoveller he is. "That is sooo true. I am such a deep person," Nikki agreed. "I am very emotional. It's very true."

Big Chudder officials have been prompted to carry out a full background check on Sam to see if he has killed anyone prior to entering the house. The chances of him being tested for hallucinatory drugs have not been ruled out either. So within a couple of days Sam, who when younger would've been a dead cert for Gary Glitter's special kind of loving, has evoked a large amount of repulsion and loathing from Mooky.net. Put simply we hate the weirdy Michael Jackson cut-out. Big Chudder would consider testing Nikki, but officals might have already realised she has delusions of grandeur and is so pig-shit thick she'd believe any old bollocks.

Sezer Becomes Unhinged

Panic in the cool gang now George has walked. Posh boy said he valued his privacy too much to hack staying in. Obviously another twat without a television or the sense of sight then! Realising that being on the 7th series of a terrestial channel's most popular programme might pose a threat to his anonymity must of come as a real shock. Nevertheless for whatever reason George had to leave, his departure has caused concern for Grace, Sezer and Imogen. The cool kids' core has now shrunk. "That's one less now," Imogen commented. "Out of 13 people, in our group there is me, you, Mikey and Sezer." Imogen didn't learn to count as she is a model or was, and didn't need to. "Oh and Lisa," Grace put in. "Lisa is cool, she likes you."

"It's going to get difficult now, " Imogen continued self-indulgently. "I'm so going to be up for nomination, I've only got you, Mikey and Sezer." Either Imogen was too busy talking about herself or had decided that she doesn't like ugly lout Lisa. "Babe, I'm in the same situation," Grace said trying to steer the conversation to being about her. At this point Sezer, dressed in quasi-military gear strode up to the couple. "It's easy to watch someone walk," he said. "But when it's one of your own walking out, it's nasty. Half the fuckers don't give a shit. They'll see it as a good thing." Sezer then locked and loaded an AK47 machine rifle he'd acquired from the diary room, kissed a gold chain that hung around his neck and proclaimed "Hunting season's here, bitches!" The girls watched Sezer depart intent on carnage before Grace siezed the chance to discuss her earlier display of gayness with Imogen. "Have you had a moment to think about... us?" Grace asked reaching for Imogen's hand. But Imogen seemed not to have noticed as she watched Big Gay Dick take out Sezer with his sexy terrorist tactics before the Canadian starting plugging the cock broker full of his own load.

Lisa 'Plays' Dumb

Glyn is becoming increasingly distressed at the divisions in the house. But naively he has tried to talk the troubling issue through with snake in the grass Lisa. The babbling Manc ho and weed in need discussed the issue in the kitchen. Well... Glyn tried to anyway... "I get on with everyone, but they're all grouping off," Glyn said to Lisa as she chopped fatty deposits off her hideous visage. "I don't know, I get on with everyone, me," Lisa replied. Anyone with any life experience at this point would've backed off from the situation quickly picking up the vibe that Lisa wasn't interested in discussing the matter. But gaunt Glyn, who may be a virgin, continued like a terrier on heat.

"Well I think you and Pete and me talk to everyone, but it's the others grouping off," he tried again. "I've not noticed. I get on with you, I get on with Pete, I get on with Sezer, I get on with Nikki. I'm in with everyone. I don't think it's groups, it's just people are getting pally," Lisa responded. "We make the effort and talk to everyone," Glyn carried on. "But then that group of five don't talk to Richard." At this point Lisa looked at the knife she was holding and considered slipping it between Glyn's ribs, but somehow Lisa who is drunk and wets herself most of the time, managed to resist the urge. Instead she ended the conversation by saying "I don't know. I can't see it. But maybe that's just me being thick."

And ugly. And stupid. And back-stabbing. No doubt Lisa will now go and slag Glyn off. Will no one offer this poor boy support at a time when he is clearly distressed by the prospect that grown-ups generally don't get on? And why are such cunts in the house anyway? All of them keep on buggering off. You would've thought none of them owned a television or had eyes the way they keep on being surprised by the fucking format of the show. Muppets. Sack the people who chose them to go in as well.

Big George Chuds Off

Posh boy George has left the Big Chudder house. He threatened to do it in the kitchen even though Grace offered to shag him if he stayed, or something like that. But Grace's offers apparently didn't appeal as George shed his microphone, asked for his bag and left the house for good taking his eyebrow piercing with him. Although we have not really noticed George during his time in the house, part of me feels strangely sad to see him go. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over it...

Imogen Tells Grace Tales

Within minutes of watching Big Gay Dick toss Sezer off, Imogen had found Grace so she could have a good old bitch. Grace who is inherently evil couldn't wait to add fuel to the fire. "Richard thinks I have a problem with gay men. I was really angry," said pissed off Imogen. "I said 'I don't have a problem with you and Sezer ... we're not a couple.' It's never bothered me before, but now it does ... I don't like him. I don't like him! His attitude."

"He is butting into everything," Grace added without a trace of irony. At that point big Gay Dick was in fact lowering himself onto Sezer's semi flaccid cock, but she didn't know that, did she? "I told him he's not a threat," Imogen said sounding threatened. "It's him instigating it with Sezer. He loves it," Grace said. "He's blatantly jealous. It makes me cringe," Imogen continued.
Imogen and Grace then turned their hateful focus on Pete and Lea. Grace called Pete a "dirty fucker" and Imogen described Lea as a "negative influence". But they soon returned to attacking Richard. "He's jealous of me and Sezer," Imogen repeated. "He tells everyone else they're beautiful but ignores me!"

"He's a bitch," Grace replied. There was a momentary pause before Grace leaned in and kissed Imogen. At first Imogen responded with tongues and stuff, but then disgusted by her own gay feelings pulled back. "What are you doing, you bloody lezzer?" she exploded at Grace. "Don't fight it," Grace replied clutching Imogen's hand to negligible breast. "You know this is what you want.." Imogen pulled free and stormed away, a look of complete sickness in her eyes. She did her best to avoid looking at Big Gay Dick and Sezer who were by this time rutting on the grassy knolls. "Don't tell anyone... please... I love you, you silly bitch!" Grace whispered before crumbling to the floor, scrunched up like a cum stained tissue.

Imogen Barely Tolerates Gays

Welsh bumpkin and former model or something Imogen kicked off at Richard today. She is apparently not happy about him gaying it up with Sezer. "I've noticed when I talk to you, you look away," said Big Gay Dick when he decided to clear the air with the boring bird. "Do you have a problem with my boyfriend... I mean Richard?" stuttered Sezer.

"I'm not giving you dirty looks. But some of your comments ... What I don't like is, when I see a joke go too far. When I see you jumping on Sezer, isn't it? My parents watch this and I don't like it. If you were doing it with another gay man, then fine." Imogen told Big Gay Dick in a similar way she might have said "I don't mind gays, I just don't want to see it."

"But Sezer comes into this House and says he likes to kiss men," Big Gay Dick replied as he fumbled with Sezer's belt buckle. "My relationship with Sezer is a playful one. I find it hard to think you have an issue with that. But you won't put Sezer in his place when he makes comments about women." Sezer then grew hard in Big Gay Dick's hand.

"Mmmm... that's so good," the rat faced cock broker said. "You haven't been listening to a bloody word I've said, have you?" Imogen screeched before stomping off as Big Gay Dick pulled Sezer to the point of climax.

Back Stabbing Intensifies

Finally we might see some real fights and tantrums. It seems everyone is gearing up to confrontation as the cool kids' slagging off session proved today. Bitch Grace and hatchet faced Lisa kicked the slagathon off by attacking Grace's supposed other half, Mikey. "He's doing my head in... it was fun at first and now it's getting too full on," whined Grace. "It's people like Richard and Lea making it more of an issue than it is, and they're the older ones," she continued. Lisa who might have been drunk and wearing wee stained clothes added that Big Gay Dick and Bionic Breasts Lea should "grow the fuck up." Imogen and Sezer were next to stick the knife in. "She hasn't got a f***ing single brain in her head," growled bore Imogen about new inmate Aisleyne. Sezer committed himself to "bully conflict out of her," but is conscious that "Richard will defend her no matter what."

"He's such a fucking dick," remarked Imogen about the Canadian sex terrorist. Imogen who has been protected from non white, non welsh, non heterosexual people most of her life by virtue of being a straight, white woman from a small place in Wales has been criticised for potentitally being a prejudiced homophobe. Sezer then attacked Glyn who he had described as "a brilliant bloke who should never, ever change only a few days earlier. "He doesn't see what's going on... Aisleyne will have him round her finger." Whether Aisleyne does get to finger Glyn is yet to be seen. Sezer then finished off by saying Nikki wasn't the sharpest tool in the drawer.
Nikki then joined the bitching gang and said that the way Lea was pursuing Pete was "sick".

Apparently Lea has been using a series of bird calls to attract Pete to her. Pete's responses of "wankers" have been interpreted favourably by Lea who believes he is referring to her breasts. Officials on Big Chudder have expressed concern though that even Pete's humongous cock could be damaged by Lea's ridiculously outsized titties. "She's screaming to be young again," Nikki went on to say. To be fair it's probably the most perceptive thing Nikki has and will ever say.

Grace Is Nasty Bitch

Grace continued to attack new inmate Aisleyne today as soon as the kitkat ticket winner was in the diary room with fellow newbie ladyboy Sam. Grace imitated Aisleyne by pouting, flicking her hair and strutting about. Pete, who through his whistling cries of "wanker" has become the moral guardian in the house, was disgusted by the bitch's actions. He retreated to the garden flanked by his bodyguard Glyn and booby lady Lea.

Through a series of hand-claps, whistles and profanities Pete communicated that he was angered because "they were just taing the piss out of her, copying her moves and stuff - completely mocking her. Haven't even given her a fucking chance and spoken to her." Realising she had revealed what a complete and total bitch she is Grace went into the garden to talk to Pete in an attempt to lie her way out her own stinking mess. "Just when people aren't looking, they shouldn't be mocked," he lectured her. "It's not nice."

"I apologise. I am a nice person really," Grace lied. But Grace was haunted by Pete's disdain for the rest of the day. She pleaded with arch enemy Nikki to talk to Pete on her behalf. "You know I'm not a shallow person like that," Grace said, obvious that yesterday Nikki had described her as "the epitome of shallow".

"He doesn't like people being singled out because obviously he was bullied. I feel fucking awful now because I keep being misinterpreted," Grace whined. Personally Mooky.net isn't sure how Grace thinks bitching about people and mocking them openly can be misinterpreted. We hate her so much that each time she comes on the screen we scream "fuck off and die you hideous creature from hell". So as we asked you to vote to keep Pete in and make him win, we also beg you to vote Grace out at the earliest possibe so she can be pelted with rotten veg as she leaves like the witch she is.

Nikki Gets Lezzed Up

Nikki, like Lea, has also done a porn vid. No real surprise, but unlike Lea it was a lessie one. Her and some frizzy haired ginger from what I can remember were filmed doing rude things together. No doubt blokes all over the country will have cracked one off over that story and probably bought the paper it was in "for the sport". I didn't because Nikki holds no appeal to me. I think she is like most of the other housemates and just a twat. That's my opinion and I'm entitled to it.

Grace And Nikki Make Up

Sadly Nikki and Grace have made up. We were hoping for hair pulling and cat fighting, but instead we get some kiss kiss bullshit. Oh well... best write it up...

So Nikki's been blubbing. Grace realises she's been a bitch. She goes into the dormitory style room and says something like let's clear the air. Grace starts by saying Nikki does fuck all. "I'm not the only person that hasn't helped out with washing up, and I'm not a very good cook. But I will try to do more," Nikki replies weakly. "I would never look down on you, half my family live on council estates. And I'm not jealous," Grace then lies. Allegedly the half of the family she refers to actually live in castles that overlook council estates, but we hate to be pedantic. "We're very alike in some ways. I was in the Diary Room before you and I was bawling my eyes out," she goes on. "Please don't think there's any animosity from me to you." Nikki then says something lame like "I'm going to pull myself together, I'm not a quitter. I accept criticism, but not people talking about me behind me back."

"I think we needed to have this chat," was Grace finishes up, and that's it. And this is news? Oy Vay! Pathetic schmucks.

Grace And Nikki Bitch Fight

Nikki who has been walking around in a blue mood all day because she can't find her brains accidentally upset Grace, which led to a row and showed spoilt mummy's girl Grace to be the nasty bitch she really is. Nikki took her mood to the dinner table to eat the salmon that Grace had apparently lovingly prepared. Allegations that the sloane ranger used the fish to frig herself off have not yet been founded.

"It's a bit dry," Nikki complained. She wasn't referring to Grace's gash, although for a moment Mikey thought she was. Grace responded maturely by muttering rude words about Nikki just loud enough for the commoner to hear. "I'm sorry Grace but I'm upset. I didn't realise the salmon meant that much to you," Nikki whined trying to make amends, but by this time Grace was already too wound up. "Stop moaning, you're like a child," screeched Grace. "You're 24, I'm 20. And I cook and clean. It's not a hotel. It wouldn't be so bad if you washed a dish once in a while."

Richard agreed as Nikki's lip started wobbling pathetically, ""I agree with Grace. It's no good moping about the food, we're all in the same boat." Nikki again tried to explain that she was upset about other things, but Grace was relentless. "We're all in it together. You eat what you're given. It's not as if we're living off crisps," the sloane twat who has known the hardship of having a house bought for her and doing what she likes when she likes, retorted. Big Gay Dick then told Nikki to go and have a lie down. Nikki stomped off in tears and looks set to replace Bonner as the house's new cry baby. How, Mooky.net asks, do these people survive day to day?

Nikki's Middle Class Claims

It looked like Nikki and George might get it together as Sezer and Imogen, and Grace and Mikey have. But in a diary room confession Nikki revealed that she felt the social divide could be too great. "I think George looks down on me, because he's upper class and I'm middle class," the chav said in a horrible cockney type way that was little more than a string of tortured vowels. "He's not interested in me because I haven't been to public school. He thinks I'm common. Grace is like that too, and it's made me feel bad about myself. I'm feeling paranoid," she continued.

Nikki seemed confused because George has been trying to bang her. "But then he changed. Last night he said he didn't fancy me," she moaned in the strangled guttural voice of a true pleb.
The thought that George simply wanted to screw a bit of rough has apparently not occurred to the intellectually challenged Nikki. But luckily Nikki has the memory span of a goldfish. The presence of a spider in the diary room made her instantly forget the whole problem straightaway as she pointed at the creature and squealed with delight like a moron.

Sam And Aisleyne Ready To Win Hearts

New hated housemates Sam and Aisleyne are determined to make friends with the housemates in spite of the cool reception they received from the younger wannabes. In their first trip to the diary room Aisleyne also made it clear she wasn't prepared to be pushed around. "Sezer is picking on me a bit, but I won't be having that," she said. The so called model continued: "In the school playground, if a boy fancies you, they pick on you. Watch this space." Apparently this was meant as a threat to Imogen.

Sam said "I want to get to know everyone better and see how things work out." The most interesting thing about this bit of news is that the version on the Channel 4 Official site refers to Sam throughout using feminine descriptions like "she", "her" etc. If they're confused about Sam's gender what hope have the rest of us got?

Grace Set To Dump Mikey

Grace and Mikey have been coupling it up in recent days, but young love never runs smoothly and this time seems to be no exception. Pissed up Grace told Lisa "Mikey and I, it won't even last a week," she asserted. "We're not in a couple. It's getting too much for me already. It's doing my head in. It was fun at first but now it's getting too full on." "I know what you mean," Lisa lied. The babbling Manc ho is so ugly that she has never had a boyfriend, but is keen for people to think she has and therefore stay part of the cool gang Sezer has established.

"I feel like I'm in a relationship with him because certain people are going 'aaah'. Richard and Lea are making it more of an issue than it really is. And they are the older ones," Grace continued self-indulgently. Come 4am though and the hot n cold ho was back in Mikey's bed. The rustling sheets implied groping of a pathetic, teenage nature. Was it drunken fumbling on Grace's part or is she keener on Mikey than she's letting on? We don't really care either way, but hope that they don't have children. Lisa meanwhile had passed out on the couch after attempting to rub herself off. A wet patch that soaked her trousers suggested she might have weed herself.

Glyn Divided

While the house split in two, divided predominantly by Nikki and Grace hating each other, poor teenager Glyn looked a little shell shocked by the whole thing. Comparing to the division to life at his school where you have "Welsh boys, the lads, Welsh girls and then the boring people," Glyn seemed lost on how to deal with the adults falling out with one another. Not specifying which group he was part of Glyn went on to say "I don't want that to happen in here. "Mikey, Grace, Imogen, Sezer and George have formed a group. There are cliques coming up. I just want to be everybody's friend. But by doing that you're not particularly close to the group." Although Glyn doesn't feel part of the cool club headed up by Sezer, he did confess that he felt close to whistling Pete.

"Pete's my best friend in here," Glyn gushed. "He thinks like me, we're on the same wavelength". The lifeguard then whistled poorly and coughed wankers under his breath. "Well, it's been nice talking to you," Glyn finished his therapy and left the diary room. Big Chudder was silent the whole time because the person manning the booth had pissed off for a smoke as soon as Glyn walked in.

Aisleyne - Spoilt Canvas Airhead

The second new housemate Aisleyne is uglier than Sam - and he's a bloke. Apparently the 27 year old is a Model and Promoter. I've never seen her on anything and she looks rough so fuck knows what she's modelling. As for being a Promoter - presumably that's some grand title for giving out leaflets. Anyway the dull slag wants to become a famous (yawn) pop star. No doubt her songs would be really deep, meaningful and emotive. We're sure that once some short sighted record company has signed her up hoping to cash in on the free publicity she'll have a career to rival Madonna's and be around for ages... of course she will...

Aisleyne lives with a cat called Princess and apparently one of the things that most irritates her is when people can't get her hair straight.

Sam - Strange Man Girl Gayer

New housemate Sam threw us off guard when he arrived today. She's alright, we thought, before realising that he has the complete set of meat and two veg downstairs and is in fact a bloke. But outside his own genitalia Sam is still about as girly as you can get: he's an unemployed nail technician, princess Di fan, spent £500 on a designer handbag, loves bingo, glossy mags and cock.
Plus he lived in Indonesia as a child. So our moment of confusion is technically okay because if we were sex tourists travelling in that part of the world we might drunkenly have a bit of botty sex with a ladyboy like Sam, thinking it was a bird. So that's alright then, isn't it? Nothing wrong with that AT ALL.

Two More Chuds Arrive In The House

Two more cunts, Sam and Aisleyne, bowled into the Big Chudder house today. They were greeted with coldness, scorn and general hatred by the majority of the established housemates who are already exhibiting the traits of territorial animals. Imogen, Sezer and Grace barely managed to conceal their general disdain as they said hello to the new inmates before running off to slag the new two off. "I'm gonna give her a hard time, the promotions girl," Sezer said rubbing the pair of socks shoved down his crotch, which he uses to pretend he has a bigger than small cock. "It's another Nikki," Grace moaned. "The reason they brought them in is to even up the groups, because Richard's group is crumbling," Sezer reckoned. "Lea and Richard are already latching on to them." In the surreal environment of the house Sezer has started to think that the gameshow is in fact a deadly serious political platform for world domination. "Richard is licking a***, he can f*** off," ranted angry welsh bore Imogen. As it turned out it wasn't just an insult, but a factual statement as right at that moment Richard was indeed rimming Sam.

Hideous Manc Ho Lisa then turned up and screeched "Richard and Lea have been false with me for days anyway." She then stumbled off into a wall. Luckily it was her face that connected with the wall, which luckily couldn't get worse if someone hit it repeatedly with a spade. "That blonde one, you can imagine what she'll look like without make-up," added Grace whose face looks like it is made from perpetually running greasy wax. "We got rid of one mongrel and now we've got another one, s*** for s***!" said Sezer, much to his nasty little band's amusement. "They'll slip up," he said. "When they do, I'll be there waiting for them."

Who knows what the asterix mean? We don't because we nicked this quote, and didn't bother to watch the programme. But presumably it means something like slag or slut and is a reference to Bonner. To be fair she was a mongrel. Although it could also be about Shahbaz who is a shit.

George Wants To Be Outed

Posh George, the one we can't really help forgetting, is the latest bitch to whine about wanting to leave the house after Shahbang walked, Dawn went all wet and Nikki said she couldn't hack it either. Why bother going there in the first place if within a fortnight you're crying like a baby for your mummy to come and save you?

Boo hooing posh boy told Grace about his desire to leave in the bathroom. He called her in, saying he had something important to tell her. Then when she'd dropped to her knees and taken his insubstantial cock in her funny shaped mouth he started spilling his guts.
"I've been thinking about it and I know I won't be able to deal with fame," he told Grace as she blew him. "I'm walking out tomorrow." Although the sensible reply would've been: "don't worry George, the chances of you having to deal with real fame are complete fantasy." But instead between mouthfuls, the pug faced ho response was: "You can't! You're making the biggest mistake ever."

"No matter what you say you'll never persuade me to stay," George replied. "I'm doing this for myself. I love this place but I've had enough. I thought I wanted it. But I don't want any money or fame. I don't want to go to university with people knowing who I am." Grace seemed shocked by the revelation that George, who undoubtedly has a trust fund, didn't want any money. Grace herself is a money grabbing slag. The rubber faced girl who's mum bought her a house tried offering George sex to get him to stay: "You mean the most in this House to me. I'll stay in bed with you." But George, who had by this time spilled his seed as well, said coldly "clean yourself up and don't tell anyone." Within minutes Grace had told Lisa, Nikki, Lea and Richard. All of whom seemed completely disinterested and failed to do anything to persuade posh boy to stay. In fact Lisa seemed to sum up the communal feeling when she asked "Who's George?"

Kit Kat Eaters Can Be Ugly

Golden Tickets have been flying out of KitKat wrappers faster than Davina's eggs can say "zygote". Several of the 'lucky' choco biscuit lovers have been named and mooky.net can exclusively reveal that most of them are 'ugly'. Not this one though. This young man is called Adam and he's home-support worker. If he joined the house he'd add "spontaneity, a lot of energy and few laughs". I don't know about you, but like spontaneous Adam here I can barely wait. This is going to be a hoot.