Bonner Evicted

Praise the Lord! Bonner, spelt Bonnie, is the first housemate to be evicted, but not the first to leave. Bonner, who is boring and ugly with a saggy stomach that needs a good stapling, was evicted because her general demeanour failed to evoke any emotion in anyone. A staggering 78% of people who got ripped off by the call in line, voted for Bonner to be kicked out. The news came as a great relief to Mooky.net because Bonner who said a load of meaningless noise about 'blazing things up', 'being a crazy, mad, sexy chick' blah blah blah spent all the time crying and making us feel violently hateful.

The only person who seemed to warm to her while in the house was Lea, who described the dull girl as a 'top bird'. High praise indeed coming from a washed up old porno actress who is desperate to improve her general ugliness with thousands of pounds worth of plastic surgery. Within hours of leaving the house Bonner was on the front page of some national rag dressed in an outfit that revealed her bland figure with the headline 'Read all about my real life!' Allegedly distribution figures fell to an all time low as usual readers were turned off by the sight of Bonner showing any flesh or chatting about her dreary life.

Dawn Kicked Out

Angry Dawn has been unceremoniously ejected from the house today for breaking a fundamental Big Chudder rule. Housemates are forbidden from communicating with the outside world, but Dawn, using an easily crackable code, did and so got kicked out. No great loss. She was quite dull and her anger didn't really amount to much. She should've played the race card, but to be fair she probably didn't want to stay in the house with a bunch of honky mo fo's anyhow.

Pete's Big Cock

Pete is going to win Big Chudder without a doubt. Not only has he got the trendy vote: he's a part-time tranny from Brighton who plays in a band; and the sympathy vote: he's a potty mouthed special person; but he's also got a huge cock. Massive according to my mate Tim who saw him get it out.

So we've taken the entire Mooky.net's annual budget and placed it on Pete to win. If the horse-size cocked, cursing golden boy comes home we stand to make a cool four pounds ninety three - about enough for one and a half pints and some pork scratchings. So if you're going to wank your cash on calling the premium rate rip off number, do it when Pete's up for eviction and make sure he wins.
The only question now is which of the other housemates is going to get their laughing gear round it first? If we had any more money it would be on Richard... or maybe George...

Shahbaz Walks

If you can't handle the heat get the fuck out, as the old saying goes. And that's exactly what Shahbaz, the most hated man in the world ever, did tonight. At half eight, the housemate said enough is enough, you can shove this show up your arses, and left. Shahbaz had become completely detested by everyone in the house in spite, or maybe because of his really friendly greetings at the start of the show.

Even so mooky.net can't help but feel the twat is a pussy for walking after six days. And what's he going to do now? We don't really care. Probably pop up at the end and stand on the podium with the other cunts. Maybe go back to being a rentboy.

Whatever he does, Shahbaz's actions have once again highlighted the need for pyschological testing on potential contestants before they enter the house. In the past the shows' producers have dismissed such measures saying "no fucker would get in..."

Boring Bonnie Betrayed By Bionic Breasts

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean it's not happening. And that's certainly true with Big Brother Bore Bonner, whose sole contribution so far has been bursting into tears and looking scared. Bonner, spelt Bonnie, is up for eviction not having made it into the Big Brotherhood - the first task we didn't bother reporting on in any way, shape or form.

Bonner figured that she would be up for eviction because no one in the house liked her. Of course Bonner is wrong. She is also disliked outside the house. "I know I'm gonna go. This is pure humiliation," the wobbly bellied minger told pretend friend Lea. "You don't know what's been decided," replied lying bitch Lea, trying to calm her so-called mate by pressing her tear stained cheeks against her concrete reinforced mammaries. But Bonner was hysterical. She went to talk to Big Chudder, smelling Lea's deceit on the foul breath of the big breasted ho.
As soon as Bonner was in the diary room Lea burst into tears herself. She told Grace and Richard how bad she felt first stabbing Bonner in the back and then twisting the knife. Lea knows full well Bonner is up for eviction.

Big Gay Deceitful Dick offered words of comfort: "Be strong, you have to be there for Bonnie. Otherwise she'll suspect." He then used the age old excuse of "being gay" to feel Lea's tits and Grace's twat. As this went to press Bonner was still crying.

Sezer Pulls Imogen

Proving that persistence does pay off Sezer finally pulled Imogen this morning. At about half three to be precise. This time it was Imogen who made the move. She climbed into ratboy's bed, and started stroking his hair and arms. With a hard on the size of Texas, Sezer went for the kill. This time Imogen didn't humiliate him by turning away from his sore blistered lips.

Whether Imogen allowed the kiss because no one else could see it happening hasn't been confirmed. In any event it didn't last long, and she pulled away first. "I'm gonna keep you awake," as he began farting the welsh national anthem, and repeatedly shoving Imogen's empty head under the duvet. "Sniff it up, Miss World wannabe," he screamed hysterically. "Drink it in, miss too good to be true bitch..."

George however was having less success. With his chubby getting no attention posh boy decided that classy tactics were the way forward to securing some action. "Grace, when you've finished with Mikey can I get some sloppy seconds?" he whinnied at the hideous sloane ranger, who was born ugly. Richard who misunderstood the toff pulled back his sheets to reveal a stonking big penis the size of a baby's arm hard like wood. "Forget sloppy seconds from Mike," Richard teased. "You can have first dibs on me, pardner." Richard, wearing only a Wacko Jacko style glove, then started to toy with his joy-stick. George looked horrified, but also strangely intrigued. Watch this space...

Sort It Out Shahbaz

The housemates again tried to achieve the impossible last night by pleading with Shahbaz to be normal. Lea, who is relieved the scot has taken the focus of her rapidly decaying body, led the overall waste of time. "Please give everybody in the House the respect they deserve. We all appreciate you cleaning for us... but do you appreciate what everybody else does for you?"

"I say 'thank you' every time you hand me food," Shahbaz whined pathetically. Lea laughed at this, prompting Shahbaz to ask if she was "laughing with me or at me?"

"Sometimes with you, sometimes at you," the bionic breasts replied. "As long as you're laughing, I'm happy," Shahbaz said. He then tried to cuddle Lea, but due to her ridiculously outsized tits couldn't get close. Bland posh boy George then decided to stick his unwanted oar in: "If the cameras weren't here would you still act the way you do?"

"Probably not," Shahbaz replied stroking himself and looking at George in a way that made the toff uncomfortable. Before the whole load of bollocks could degenerate into a fight Dawn put a leash on Shahbaz and took him outside for a walk. On the way out the twisted scot took the opportunity to scare the crap out of Bonner. "I'll get to know you... when you're ready to accept I'm not a monster." Bonner burst into tears and then wet himself. No one helped her clean up her stinking mess or comforted her.

Beanbag Twats

Pete, who communicates mostly through the mediums of whistles and profanity, came up with a new game early this morning to keep the housemates amused. He set out all the beanbags in the lounge and then threw himself into the pile wearing a helmet. Glyn was quick to get in on the action. He took Pete's helmet and placed it on his head. Then rushed into the pile. The weedo in speedo promptly disappeared up to his arsehole. Glyn, who mistakenly thinks he is God's gift to women and has superpowers, had expected to crash through the beanbags and out through the wall of the house.

George decided he wanted a go next and grabbed Pete's helmet off the small welsh man. Pete communicated in a series of whistles that he could still smell Nikki on George's piece, but no one paid any attention. Nikki, for her part, was still out cold in the bedroom where posh boy had given her what she "really wanted". Seconds after George had finished Dawn had crept in the room and decided to also have a go on the vulnerable airhead. After one go on Pete's beanbags however George was unimpressed. "You're a cunt Pete," he didn't say. "You want to lay the beanbags flat and then we'll all back-flip onto it. That would be alot better." Pete gave it a go, but was not happy. "Wanker," he said, whistling and flapping about. At that point big brother hate figure Shahbaz emerged from the diary room and everyone ran away because they didn't want to play with him.

George Spends His Energy on Nikki

George, the bland posh boy, who we keep on forgetting about got over excited for the first time in his severely repressed life last night. He decided that it was time for the slags to "get it" so started flinging them around. And they loved it. Nikki especially.

"Swing me round like an aeroplane," she begged George who was more than happy to oblige. And his swinging was certainly something not to watch. In no time he had the little ho flying through the air, screaming like an infant on a sugar rush. Full of girly giggles Nikki collapsed onto the floor in a heap of mess. "Oh my God!" She exclaimed. "That was so fast...I've never been spun round so fast in my life! No one has ever driven me that fast... on all the fairground rides.... you're strong."

With a noticeable lob-on in his pants George winked and said "Thanks, babe." He then punched Nikki in the back of her head knocking her out cold. "I know what sort of ride this council estate whore really wants," he told the other housemates, flashing his white horsey teeth. He then hefted Nikki onto his shoulder and took her into the bedroom where he spent the next couple of hours sodomising her.

Can't We All Just Be Friends?

Shahbaz has gone on a damage limitation exercise this afternoon, desperately trying to win back some popularity in the house. He has been detested almost from the start, but now seems keen to make up for his cunt behaviour. He started by coming onto whistling Pete in the bathroom. Pete, who is famous for his bird calls, was asked by Shahbaz "Are you annoyed with me?"

"Not really, I don't give a fuck, wanker," replied Pete nonchalantly. Shahbaz was obviously relieved. "You're the only one I care about," the scot told Pete as he started touching him in an inappropriate way. "They think you're a leech," Pete told Shahbaz as he became visibly aroused. "I think you just need some love, man." The two then got off for ages with loads of tongue.
"I'll show you how like a leech I am later," Shahbaz winked at Pete. "I'll suck you dry." Pete nodded, whistled and cursed before projecting vomit agains the toilet bowl.

Encouraged by his moment with Pete, Shahbaz went looking for Dawn. The angry body builder was less than forgiving as she told him: "Verbally I could destroy you, your puns are just shit," she told him. "You're a parody of John Inman and Mrs Doubtfire. You're a rubbish comedian because you've got no sense of humour." She then did a bit of weight lifting and scratched her crotch. In recent days her clitoris has become so pronounced some people are wondering if Dawn is growing a cock. Shahbaz seemed hurt, but also happy that someone was talking to him even if it was all abuse. "We're the oldest people in here and no one's going to look after you, you have to look after yourself," Dawn said to him as she started lifting him up and down to exercise her pectoral muscles. The other Housemates still hate him and think he's a cunt.

Food Thief Outed

Shahbaz, self styled sultan of swing, coffed to hiding the housemates' food earlier this morning. Richard, who has assumed the mantle of leader in the house, glimpsed the food up Shahbaz' back passage when the nutter bent over in front of him. Shahbaz was forced to admit to his food snatching. In response the housemates unleashed their full fury on him.

Sezer demanded to know "Why would you do that, are you stupid?" The question came between mouthfuls of Richard's large, pale penis being thrust into the cock broker's mouth. "You shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you," retorted Shahbaz. As well as being a crap comeback, it didn't seem to make sense. Nevertheless as he began unloading the food from his chud passage he prompted lots of swearing, particularly from facially disfigured Lisa. He then sat in silence as the other Housemates took it in turns to bollock him. Richard called the act "the most immature thing" he'd ever seen.

Easy slut Nikki said "you've made me hate you" while Shahbaz's last friend Lea told him he'd "lost a friend". Shahbaz is now being watched closely to see if the collective hatred will drive him into a desperate act of suicide or if he will find relief that he doesn't have to listen to their inane chatter all day. The housemates have requested that the food Shahbaz shoved up his ass be replaced with stuff that isn't "dripping with shit."

Housemates Find Food Is Gone

The housemates woke this morning to find their food was gone. Shahbaz had shoved it all up his ass earlier in the morning, but almost everyone accused Big Chudder of scheming. Grace was first to realise something was wrong. "Where's that stuff?" she asked as the boils on her ugly face began pussing. "You know... the things that taste... which your mummy brings to the flat she's bought for you... the chud..."

"Oh, that's punishment that is," said Lisa. Presumably she was reliving her parents' treatment of her when she grew up to be such a hideous pig, while Lea said "cheeky bastards"; although she could have been referring to her breasts. Only Richard seemed to suspect Shahbaz, who he has targeted viciously since day one. "Shahbaz was clearing up in here last night," Richard said as Sezer rimmed him. "Maybe he's done something..." Shahbaz quietly snuck around the background, but none of the housemates seemed to notice the new box like bulges of his ass cheeks.

Shahbaz Fights Back

After Big Gay Dick instigated the ban against talking to Shahbaz, the mad scot decided to strike back. He's only gone and nicked the group's food supplies while they slept and hidden it up his arse. "Let's see how long they stay silent for now. Oh, the satisfaction!" Shahbaz beamed as he filled his chudhole. He filled several bin bags with everything edible and then deposited the job up his back passage. Everything from bottles of orange squash to chicken pieces went up there.

Big Brother tried to intervene, but Shahbaz ignored the ineffectual voice nonchalantly pulling a banana from between his cheeks. "I'll come [to the diary room] when I'm ready," Shahbaz said filling his mouth with shit covered fruit.

Dawn Bollocks Shahbaz

Everyone hates Shahbaz. No surprise as he is a grade A chud, which is why he'll probably win the whole thing. Shahbaz who has been a rentboy, gone to prison and calls himself a "Pakistani poof" was taken into the garden by angry Dawn so she could try and "straighten" him out. Dawn told Shahbaz that he needs to try and get on with people more. And stop acting like such a cunt generally. She told him to stop using the fact he is gay and pakistani as lame excuses for being an annoying twat.

Shahbaz took her chud for so long, but then told the body builder to "back the fuck off, woman". Dawn responded by pulling her lycra shorts to one side and spraying Shahbaz with her musky wee.

All A Load Of Cock

Sherah cocked the Big Brother house last night by revealing his manhood to Big Gay Dick and Nikki (the footballer’s wife slag with the face like a beaten up old man). The exposure came after Dick and his hag (who were inexplicably sitting in a silver box) goaded the much maligned Shazzer into ‘proving his manhood’. After a great deal of whinging Sherbert released his unemployed member, only to find it was greeted with raucous laughter from man-face Nikki and ‘size-queen’ Dikkie. Clearly horrified, Shahbing pleaded ‘potential’ and asked them to witness an erect version, to which the cackling cum guzzlers gurgled: ‘no, no, please no’.

Interestingly when Big Gay Dick was sucking off dwarfen wolf-boy Sezer in the shower later that evening, he refused to remove his own tight pants. While Sezer flung his own knob out faster than you can say “Jizz in ma face”, mooky.net suspects foul play from Dikkie. Could big Dickie have a little Prikkie? Is Nikkie actually just a horrendous man? Either way the cock debacle had hilarious consequences, with the slighted Shahbah falling out with every single housemate as a result. What a cock!

Everyone Hates Shahbaz

The house erupted into war tonight as Shahbaz, self styled "Pakistani poof", came under attack from both Lea and Lisa. Shahbaz who was working with Lisa on some lame task decided to criticise the babbling Manc Ho for taking over. He called her an alchie and imbecile repeatedly. Lisa tried to keep her cool, but her lack of intelligence meant she could not argue back and instead just became angry. Shahbaz managed to stare at her hideous face undaunted while I have trouble keeping food down when I just catch a glimpse of the repulsive ho. I bet she smells as well.

Anyway Lea then got in on the act. Pinning Shahbaz against the sofa with her breasts of steel she screamed at him "Don't fucking inflict your pain on other people!" One of her eyes then popped out of her head and her bottom lip started to rupture spilling a strange white, acidic glue down her front. Big Gay Dick, aka Richard, intervened once again. He strided over to Lea with Sezer hanging from his club like penis by the mouth. Since the second day Sezer has been gayed up by Richard every minute of every day. One insider didn't say that Sezer loved having Richard in his mouth, and would always swallow.

"I think none of us should even talk to him or look at him or even acknowledge him. From now on he can live in this fucking House on his own...because that's what he wants," Richard ordered.
Pete attempted to defend Shahbaz, but the housemates couldn't really understand what his whistling and calls of 'wankers' really meant.

Gay Sezer

In spite of his bravado monkey boy Sezer might well be gay for pay. Only a few days in and he has become another victim to Richard's gaying up.

On a night when all the housemates got wet and wild, snogging and fondling in and around the pool, Sezer was enjoying some special attention from Brokeback Mountie Richard aka Big Gay Dick. Dick, who is big and gay, kissed Sezer before anyone else started in on the action. Then while really ugly sloane ranger got molested by Pete and George, the two cowboys took a shower together. Sezer was in the buff, probably hoping Richard would pull and blow his cock, while Richard was in some ridiculous pair of skin tight trunks.

We had predicted that George would be the first to go gay, but as it turned out it was Sezer who proved he was not so much stock broker, as cock broker. He probably regrets it now, but will want to get gayed up when he's next drunk. Richard will no doubt be waiting to take advantage with masturbated breath.