Wet Bonnie

Bonnie was the first housemate to burst into tears today. Pathetic beer bellied bore Bonnie, pronounced 'Bonner', wept onto Lea's hefty chest after learning that babbling Manc Ho Lisa didn't like her. To any normal person such news would be greeted with glee and relief, but Bonner... sorry Bonnie... instead started blubbling like a big fat loser.
Already feeling vulnerable due to her lack of clothing, Lisa's rejection on the 2nd day was too much for the ugly chav.

Lisa also explained she didn't like Sezer because she found him arrogant.
Lea carried Bonnie into the garden on her breasts for a heart to heart. Bonnie then explained how pathetic she was. Sezer came out, slagged Lisa off for being a rough cunt and then turned his attack on Shahbaz stating he was irritating.

Lisa later tried to justify her unprovoked nastiness saying to Sezer she found him a bit arrogant and Bonnie was just a bit quiet. Lisa then said something high pitched, farted in Bonnie's face, picked her deaf ears and went back into the house to sprawl in wanking glee on the kitchen floor. She was found a few hours later paralysed in orgasmic shock.

Shahbaz Banished

Operating on no sleep and pure hyperactivity, Shahbaz became the second victim of Richard's bullying this morning. Lisa, babbling manc ho, was the first to feel his force late last night. Flapping around like some bizarre circus act, irritating the fuck out of everyone awake, and generally continuing his hysteric antics Shahbaz was asking for it. As soon as he got the chance Richard locked Shahbaz outside. But the manic scot reacted by pounding on the patio doors.

"Let me in!" Shahbaz shrieked like a girl. "Big Brother! This is abuse!" Some of the other housemates pressured Richard into allowing the tosser back in. "Let him in, he's got a wet bum," said thick slag Nikki. "I only wanted a bit of peace and quiet," laughed Richard. "Look, I'll even give him a lollipop," he continued unzipping his flies. "You better run for your life Richard," Shahbaz said before dutifully dropping to his knees and chewing on Richard's banana. "See, he's so happy now," Richard said as the other housemates found excuses to leave quickly.

Menage A Twats

Big Gay Dick aka Canadian porker Richard wasted no time in unleashing his sex terror last night. As soon as the housemates retired for the night Richard was putting the goods in the window and climbing into bed with Lisa and Pete.

Pete had targeted Lisa because being the ugliest girl she is most likely to put out. Also her apparent deafness means he can call her what he wants and she won't get offended. For his part sex pest Richard had mistaken Lisa for a bloke. Pete decided to find his own bed when he realised the hand stroking his penis didn't belong to Lisa. Whistling and muttering "wankers" he left the sex party early.

Meanwhile Richard, who doesn't really who care who falls victim to his sex terrorist tactics, carried on prodding and rubbing Lisa with his pale willy. Lisa seemed to accept the attention gracefully. Probably relieved it wasn't Dawn's cock being wiped on her thigh.

Glyn Bollocked For Talking In Tongues

Welsh drone Glyn has become the first housemate to incur the displeasure of Big Chudder. The lifeguard, A-level student who sports the weedy torso of a war camp victim has been hanging around fellow Welsh bore Imogen. Smelling of changing rooms, the foot dip and cheese Glyn has latched onto his countrymate after his so called "perfect body" failed to impress.

The small penised non Adonis went into the Diary room to pick up some batteries. He was told in no uncertain terms to stop speaking Welsh at Imogen. "But it's British, isn't it?" Glyn protested flexing a pathetic bicep at the camera. "It's not english," Big Chudder said. "And it's not right. Get out and stop talking that shite or you're washed up like one of the fat fuckers who drown on your watch, puny boy," Big Chudder didn't add.

Sixth-former Glyn then said in a normal language that he felt spoilt as all his friends were at school doing their A-levels, while he was in the Big Chudder House. And? Who gives a chud?

Mikey: Not Real

mooky.net can exclusively reveal that Mikey 'isn't real'. Mikey, who's "penis controls" his "brain" is actually a toy manufactured by the same people who brought us Noel Mighty Boosh Fielding and Vernon Loves Banging Tess Kay.


Mikey's true identity will be revealed to the housemates in a series of comedy BB 'interludes'. The first will involve the three 'Mikeys' pouncing on Pete when he's in the shower and then screaming double-jointedly into his face until he cries. As soon as he tries to escape, Vernon and Noel will disappear through trap doors in the floor, leaving Mikey no.1 to calm him back to gentle swears and whistles.

He will be compelled to deny these 'attacks' or risk 50 pence of the weekly food budget and his entire consignment of mirrors for the duration of the show.

Moss Gets New Brand

Kate Moss is reportedly getting knobbed senseless by Big Chudder Big Mouth's presenter Russell Brand. Moss' sick fuck ex Pete The Shit Doherty won't be too pleased. Brand is close mates with Carl Barat who kicked Doherty out of the Libertines.

But Brand and Doherty have got more in common than just sharing the same gash. Brand used to be a crack, smack whore. He's apparently kicked his addictions to drug and sex, but made up sources reckon if anyone can drag him back into the gutter it's Moss.

Brand is no stranger to controversy in his working life as well. He got sacked from his first job with MTV for being drugged up. He introduced Kylie Minogue to his dealer and came into work dressed as Osama Bin Laden the day after 9/11. Hilarious cunt!

Now back at MTV Brand is enjoying more success as the eloquent, quick witted presenter of Big Mouth along with being a rated stand-up comedian. Whichever lucky bastard gets a picture of him and Kate snorting coke is going to be minted.

Lea - Tits

The bionic blonde from Nottingham claims to have spent over £30k on plastic surgery. Funny, I can’t see it myself… strange eyebrows maybe? At 35 years old, Lea feels like she’s at a crossroads. She can either continue to biodegrade faster than her plastic cheek implants - a bit like Skeletor - or she can win Big Brother and pay for new ankles or something.

At 22 stone, Lea used to be a ‘fat bastard’. But in a feat of medical engineering, doctors successfully transplanted her entire body into her breasts, which are an impressive 92 QQ. We’re expecting good things from Lea, who despite being ridiculous appears to be able to string two sentences together without reeling off her cv. Gawk lasciviously at her after the pub, as you desperately try and climax over her overstretched, thread vein mammaries.

George - Posh Mummy's Boy Twat

19 year old spoilt chudder. George has the sort of arrogant, swagger and plummy voice that can only come from an over-privileged, protected background. You can imagine him beating a native in a colony somewhere for not addressing him with the correct level of servitude. He apparently spends alot of his time mincing around Chelsea talking posh, which comes as no surprise. Guaranteed to be boring as buggery and out quite early on Mooky.net greets George with relatively total indifference. The only amusing input he provided was his barely concealed disgust and shock at the array of plebs and freaks he finds himself stranded with. Maybe too much like one of ma-ma's parties for George's liking.

Quote: "My perfect day would be getting h*** while driving a fast car." We have no idea what the asterix hide because we nicked this quote from somewhere else. Probably "high" although could be "hard", which we prefer: impotent public shool boy sitting alone in a ferrari. Mayhap he'll crash, the car will flip and the fireball from the ruptured petrol tank will rid the world of one more chud.

Sezer - Ratboy

Sezer, a cunt, loves "horses, money, women and house music". The former boxer claims to have retained his "ladies' man" looks despite having been punched in the face repeatedly - both before and after he gave up the sport. The 11 year old originally hails from Turkey and is a Stockbroker 'slash' Property Developer by trade.

mooky.net predicts moderate popularity for this rodent-faced dwarf, who despite being a prick, will probably provide entertainment over the coming weeks by shaving his bum-fluff into pretty shapes. If he had to sum himself in three words Sezer would say: "made of platinum." We say: Cunt. Cunt. Cunt.

Grace - Posh Ho

Grace, a sort of warty lovechild of Tara Palmer Tomkinson and a turkey baster, is 20 years old and lives on her own in a one bedroom flat bought for her by her mother. Despite referring to herself as “pure grace” the lithe little neck scarf abuser isn’t too much of a cunt. In fact, if she had her face and torso removed she could probably be a model.

The pug faced dance teacher from Notting Hill has vowed NOT to “get her tits out" on Big Brother, which is fine a) because she doesn’t appear to have any and b) because Shah Bang has promised to unveil has gorgeous balls in recompense. We’re behind Grace for the time being, even if her Sloane clone “passion for designer labels” does give the impression that her vagina smells of mothballs and crispy duck.

Glyn - Who?

Oh yeah, he wears baywatch shorts or something. The 18 year old sixth former kindly took time off school to bore us with his dangerously pale skin.

A part-time lifeguard with a body that's "the closest example to perfection", he's delighted to have made it onto Big Brother. Aside from being given the opportunity to "show off [his] sexy body to millions" he's looking forward to gaining "nationwide attention". Nationwide attention? What the fuck does that mean? Shutup. He also poos after every meal and hates animals. I've forgotten his name again, but he's 'headboy' at his school, which will probably make Richard soil himself with glee.

Imogen - Girl

Imogen, Big Brother's answer to Charlotte Church, is a 23 year old bar hostess. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz. About as clever as Leah's tits but slightly less fun, mooky.net predict most of the flatmates will have a crack at Imogen at some point in the show. Any courtiers should be mindful that she "hates jokes because she really doesn't get them", which should make for some riveting viewing.

The Welsh Londoner “owns a vibrator” and "used to be a beauty queen”. It’s funny, that sounds great but it’s still boring. Imogen is boring.

Nikki - Middlesex Slag with Delusions of Grandeur

24 year old (yawn) dancer and (double yawn) model Nikki dreams of being a footballer's wife so she can go out and spend, spend, spend on credit cards. She's more likely to get gangbanged in a hotel room by a non division team and then left with aching orifices and a massive bill to pay in the morning.

Without doubt the most likely to get her pushed up tits out and have it up her gash first, Nikki will prove to be a favourite with the blokes. Thousands of men will already have denied finding the easy slut attractive to their girlfriends as it is. Thousands more will follow once she starts sunbathing with her nips out.

The slag arrived in a bunny outfit showing off her cleavage and ass. Dull as fuck with a squidgey face her easily accessible cracks will probably get her about halfway. Although she'll end up being despised by the older women. After a couple of shoots in men's magazines and being passed around at celebrity parties, she'll hopefully piss off back out of the public eye. "I'm special," she exclaimed before entering the house. Enough said.

Shahbaz - Hamster Loving Gay On Speed

Christ! Where to start with Shahbaz!? He's your worst nightmare and our dream come true at the same time. An unemployed, scottish, hamster loving, hyperactive, extremely camp gayer. Over everyone as soon as they walked into the house like an STD related rash we would have turned and run. But to the credit of the collective cunts they took his 'old friends who haven't seen each for years' style welcome with grace.

He's so over the top he'll probably be the first to cry. He'll have a couple of heart to hearts with the plastic surgeon's nightmare Lea and when everyone's pissed up try it on relentlessly with every straight bloke in there, who on the whole seem quite openly homophobic.

We're hoping Posh George will get paraletic, have a fumble with Shahbaz in the pool, then head into total denial about his homosexuality the next day. He'll scrub himself with bleach to get rid of the trace of Shahbaz's touch and rancid smell and end up physically assaulting the lumberjack, make-up wearing ponce. Shahbaz'll annoy the fuck out of us, but the numb chuds in there will probably keep him in for a while.

Richard - Ageing Slaphead

33 year old barmaid from Canada. The enormous gay man named Richard, or 'Big Gay Dick' as he likes to be called, is a self confessed "sexual terrorist". MI5 are said to be on standby, but don't give "too much of a fuck" if he rapes and kills the entire house.

Big Gay Dick "loves freedom of speech, friends and big, big men. He hates dumbness, racism and processed food." Slightly less interestingly he's terrified of pregnant women and his idea of "a perfect day would be to go to prison".

Lisa - Babbling Manc Ho

27 year old Lisa is one of those women you move countries to avoid. Her mum brought her over from China when she was 2. Annoyingly loud the ugly cow claims to speak english and chinese. Although her english seems to be limited to "D'ya know wha' I mean?", "mad, crazy, sexy", "up for it" and "what you see is what you get." So that'll be an annoying, hideous, hyperactive numb cunt then.

Here's her quote: "I love slobbing around in my pyjamas with loads of food and beer, so much you could never eat it all." Beer drinkers everywhere will be amazed it can now be eaten. So what do we reckon? Well, no one's going to want to touch her sexually. She'll wind everyone up because she's loud and annoying so we expect an early eviction. Hopefully she'll fuck off back to her upholstering where she gets stuffed night and day by "the lads." Slag.

Dawn - Angry Black Woman

Militant angry vagina on muscle bound legs who seems intent on projecting pure negativity into the games. At 38 the oldest and by far the most aggressive. Get ready for her to play the race card, age card, I hate your fucking guts card and general forceful taking of the moral high ground. Guaranteed to make great car crash television as she rips each of the cunts apart almost as maliciously as we plan to.

"I point out people's mistakes, which I am always right about as I never lose an argument" the angry bitch says. From Brum, she's an exercise scientist. What's that then? Some fancy fanny word for woman bodybuilder?

Chances of getting shagged: nil. Chances of fucking everyone up the ass: high. We reckon she'll go about halfway. Her desire to come back reincarnated as Hitler has already lost her the jewish vote. Expect to see an exercise DVD from her towards the end of the summer.

Pete - Sympathy Vote Winning Potty Mouth

24 from Brighton. The whistling monkey could be the one to watch. Overt, frontman for a rock and roll band, which is probably shite, we've decided to back Pete purely because he has Tourette's Syndrome. Finally a stroke of genius from the Big Brother producers.

Pete will get away with murder. He can call all the other housemates cunt, shit, wankers whenever he wants and blame it on his 'condition.' Then again the novelty of this strangely dressed freak might mug us off after a few days and he could end up being an irritating wanker. We predict a top three place for the mockney wannabe.

Bonnie - Bland Thicko

20 year old care worker from Loughborough. You have to feel sorry for the poor sods she cares for. Instantly singled out as a complete dick she says she beats boredom by "getting naked and terrorising it up!" What the chud does that mean? Does the silly bitch strip off and hi-jack planes before flying them into towerblocks or something? Having already seen a flash of her wobbly white stomach the thought of her naked makes us almost as sick as watching Davina give birth.

She's also got a habit of scratching her minge - probably due to poor feminine hygiene from her relentless "bean flicking" - and introducing herself as "Bonner." Cunt. Out in three. "Everything and everything!" Too reminiscent of that slag Chantelle for our liking.

Mikey - Boring Scouse Twat with Brains of Cock

22 year old scouser. Software developer and (yawn) model. Quoted as saying 'my penis controls my brain!' God help us. But the self confessed dick brain is tipped by Mooky.net to be amongst the most boring and probably hated people in there. Likely to be one of the first out and will hopefully fuck back off into obscurity after attending a couple of film premieres.

Already despised by alot of women for being anti-feminist, sexist cunt. The loser still gets his mum to do his cooking and cleaning. Probably gets her to gob him off as well. In spite of being reckoned as a potential winner by last year's winner geordie gay-boy Anthony we give him two weeks. Let's face it, what the fuck does Anthony know? His disco DVD bombed and he got a proper twatting outside a nightclub in Manchester. That'll learn him. Chud!

Big Chudder Mother 3

No she's not put weight on, Davina's pregnant AGAIN. McCall, who has already knackered the national gene pool by birthing two things, is set to have another. And that's not the worst part... She's literally fit to burst...

The news that McCall's waters could break, washing over the studio floor like a tidal wave, followed by a creature climbing out of her welly like womb was greeted by projectile vomiting at mooky.net. A number of distressed staff were sent home early to try and deal with the revelation.

McCall, who was born pregnant, seems to enjoy carrying spawn almost as much as she likes it up her. The bloke she picked up in her local park, Mr McCall, is presumably the father. The upside is that being the size of a small house might stop her from being so fucking irritating. But with her hormones all over the shop no one can say what's... sorry... hold on.. I've got to stop writing... I've been a bit sick in my mouth... that's better...

The irony is that McCall is also currently promoting better sex education for school kids. Let her loose on them and teenage pregnancy will go through the roof. "That slag needs educating herself," an old bloke said. "Someone should tell her about condoms."
Urgh! I've done it again... dribbled it into my bin this time...

Kit Kat Cunt

14 rejects will enter the Big Chudder house tonight. As far as they know, that's their lot. But we know better...

In a move so dastardly it could have been formulated by a total dick, one unsuspecting member of the public now has the opportunity to get into that house of horrors, Big Chudder. From Friday (tomorrow) you could buy a kitkat, open it and if you find 1 of 100 golden tickets you could then win a place in the house in a live prize draw. This comes as great news to old people, children under 16, and normal members of society everywhere who would love nothing more than spending months locked in with a bunch of weirdos and suggests the whole bollocks is a rigged marketing ploy for Kitkat. I guess we'll know for sure when the golden ticket winner turns out to be in their early twenties, attractive, trisexual with previous modelling contracts.

I hope I win, which is why I'm off now to start opening kitkats in shops everywhere without actually buying them. I will especially be targeting small independent retailers who can do without the grief. I believe the phrase 'no purchase necessary' will stand me in good stead as I go about this. Then when I've won I will piss all over my fellow housemates and defecate on Davina's big nose.

Big Chudder: Hours Away

The show that keeps Davina McCall out of the dole office and off the streets is back: launching tonight at 9pm on Channel 4. It's time to meet the next lot of Big Chudder housemates. And mooky.net thanks God because this nation definitely seemed to be running short on crap celebrities like Chantelle, Kerry Katona, Jade Goody along with several million others. Fortunately this 7th series of the Muppet Show, as we affectionately call it, will keep the cultural void of our decrepit nation adequately topped up.

No doubt we will be greeted by a series of over-sensitive, egocentric freaks who are so desperate for fame they would sleep with their grannies to get it. We can expect a large proportion of gay men and women, possibly a few transsexuals... but all complete cunts... and all will no doubt turn out to have had fame pass them by earlier in their lives... pictures of them naked will slowly appear and we will hear in graphic detail how each of them performs in bed... maybe they fucked some loser like Jeff The Twat Brazier... we'll hear about the true heartbreak they've suffered in life and all that old bollocks.

But whoever they are, and however quickly they're forgotten once they're evicted, we can't wait to tear the fuckers to shreds. So let the games begin...

Big Chudder Has Arrived

Well sort of. No-one's in the house yet. Here's a picture of the fucking house:



stay tuned...