Usher

Ugliest man in pop: fact.

Sideways shaver on Gillette advert

What the hell are you doing racing your three-bladed razor horizontally across your chin at 70 mph? That really is the height of cuntiness. If the advert went on for a few more seconds we'd see a trickle of blood slowly appear, followed by a massive flap of chin skin dropping off your face. That'll look good with your chiselled jaw won't it? Reckless hoob.

Pete Doherty

Sweaty, drug addled, baby-faced cunt. Did I leave out 'spoon-faced'? Sorry. He's an arrogant, mildly talented, supermodel marrying, spoon-faced cunt.

Missy Elliott

Fat idiot incapable of producing anything other than bouncy teeny pop kak. "Is it worth it?" Not if you've put your name to it you blinged up, hoop-eared panda cunt.

Michael Winner

What have you won? Nothing you cunt. Another bizarre example of where a celebrity of some creative merit (emphasis on 'some') spunks it all away by doing a ridiculously annoying advert. 'Calm down dear?' I am calm, it's just that you're a massive tosser.

Michael Caine

Monosyllabic, mockney old tit. Stay in America where they think the shitness of your delivery is just a quirk of the English accent. Daft cunt.

Jeremy Paxman

You smug fool. Clearly a man who was (deservedly) beaten up daily at school. Petit, shouty, little bully with a face like a haggard rectangle. Instead of trying to win arguments by questioning the syntax of every sentance, why don't you ask intelligent questions? Oh you can't? Is that because you're a fraudulent cunt? Ah I see, well then, take your cheap suits and unblinking eyes and fuck off. Devil's Advocate? Crusty spunk on the Devil's cunt flaps more like.

Jeff Brazier

The chav-faced adonis who used to stick his widdler into pig-faced Goody. 1/ Who are you? 2/ Why do you keep opening your mouth? 3/ You look like a bleached bog brush. 4/ You're about as newsworthy as a fart in a sewage plant.

Jade Goody

Who the fuck is this flabby slab of offel? Keep your disgusting pig-nosed face/snout firmly nuzzled in a trough - preferably one filled with shit.

Going up at the end of every sentence

What on earth do you think you're doing? Think about how what you're about to say would look if you wrote it down. If there's no question mark there don't fucking add one you annoying turd.

Derek from Big Brother

Because he talks like a complete cunt.

Delmonte, the man from

Stop putting your hands all over my fruit. Unhygienic git.

Davina Mccall

Condescending, parrot-nosed bitch who shits out kids like she's got diarrhea of the cunt.

David Schwimmer

Speaks like a puppet that's being bummed and punched in the stomach at the same time.

Daniel Bedingfield

Is he even a person? If he is he's a fat one. He can't respond to even the most mundane question without acting like a drug-crazed, 'high on life' cunt. Someone give this talentless ADHD shitbag a Ritalin overdose before we razorblade ourselves to death. Greasy haired, fairly-fit-sistered fuck.

Crazy Frog

Pipe penis-ed little shitfuck. About as fun as leprosy.

Colin Farrell

What a massive cunt. Poor man's Pitt with a shiny face that looks like it's been covered in handfuls of his own semen. An actor of great merit featuring such facial expressions as: "furrowed brow" and "sultry brood" - what more could anyone ask for? Perhaps "fuck off you tar-lunged, hairy-faced cunt"?

Billy Elliot

Big little gay geordie.

Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kunter more like. Insisted on wearing his "I'm a Madonna rimming, fad religion worshipping", Kabbalah red bracelet through the entire filming of his new movie (which they then had to spend a fortune digitising off his wrist). Speaks in a mixture of shouts a bit like he's talking to someone who's as spastic as he is.

Akon (aka "Lonely, so Lonely")

Lonely eh? Do you know why that is Acorn? It's because you're an irratating, chipmunk chorus loving turd that's why.