Surprise Romance

Whistling monkey Pete might not be everyone's idea of Don Juan, but he has surpassed the other inmates when it comes to catching the ladies' eyes. Lea, Aisleyne and Lisa have all expressed more than a passing fancy. Lisa wanted to knock him out and stuff his flaccid member into her gaping gash mouth while grunting like a neanderthal. Aisleyne and Lea wanted to use him as a life sized dildo and rub his body between their breasts, while touching their own pancake sized nipples together (it didn't work though because Pete kept on spasming at the wrong moments).

Grace and Imogen have been known to rub each other off over a picture of him in the privacy of the bathroom. Even new girl Susie has started trying to press her inexplicably clean fanny against his jerking body. And the men aren't immune either. Mikey imagines Pete when he fails to get anywhere with pug faced hoochie Grace and has to satisfy himself. Glyn, who is a constant state of teenage arousal tainted self disgussted by denials concerning his sexuality, has even pulled himself and imagined what Pete's forbidden love would be like. Big Gay Dick wants to bend the monkey boy over and bugger him senseless.

But Pete has not succumbed to any of these sirens. There is one person and one alone in the house that seems to have stirred his blasphemous loins into action and surprisingly that is tunnel mouthed Nikki. The odd couple have shared a few snogs and are beginning to get close. But Pete is feeling morose as Nikki is now up for eviction. Completely unnecessary as Nikki's against uber cunt Grace and therefore guaranteed to stay in. Lea attempted to discuss Pete's feelings with him earlier saying he was acting a bit weird. That's like saying Hitler was a bit mean considering Pete is a whistling monkey who can't help swearing at everyone who comes near him. And the band member, unemployed cartoonist, part time transvestite is hardly the archetypal footballer Nikki described as her ideal man.

So overall the pairing could be quite sweet and surprisingly for Big Chudder genuine. Let's hope this develops into something that lasts a bit longer than their combined fame. In spite of our slightly offensive descriptions of Pete in the Big Chudder column we do really like him. And although we find Nikki really irritating we wouldn't want her to become some football team's ball-bag - a fate which Pete would save her from.