Pissed Pelicans Picked Up

Residents of Laguna Beach, Los Angeles, were left reeling after four drunk pelicans wreaked havoc at the coastal resort. The birds had been drinking heavily on the beach from about eleven o'clock Saturday morning, but were forced to head into town when the booze ran out. As they staggered through the traffic, reeling from one lane to the next, one of the four crashed headlong into a car, smashing the vehicle's windscreen. One onlooker said the three other pelicans were all over the place and seemed oblivious that they had left one of their own behind.

The incident with the car spurred assistant wildlife director Lisa Birkle to issue a warning to the public to be on the lookout for birds acting "drunk, disoriented or being in an unusual place." A number of birds who had been getting pissed in a more socially acceptable way were frog-marched to the local police station, but the pelicans in question remained at large. It was not until the early hours of Sunday morning when the pelicans were eventually tracked down. The birds were found trying to buy kebabs, still extremely drunk.

They were taken down town and thrown into a cell where they were left to dry out. Speaking to them the morning after, the pelicans remained adamant they had done nothing wrong. "America used to be a great nation," the least hungover bird told us. "But Bush has turned it into some sort of police state. I'd like to know what's so wrong with a working bird and some of his pals knocking back a few drinks, anyways..."

We did point out that the pelican who crashed into the car had shaken the driver up pretty badly, but only received a garbled reply about "what the guy could do with his car" before being asked if we had anything to drink on us. The pelican who had crashed into the car suffered internal injuries and a gash to his beak. It is not yet known if the pelicans will be formally charged or not.