Nouvelle Riche

Enterprising toilet paper company Nouvelle is set to become one of the most unlikely businesses to cash in on the birth of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby. The new born, blatantly one of the luckiest people alive and destined to enjoy good looks plus vast wealth and lengthy residential stays at rehab clinics, has been named Shiloh Nouvel. So you can see how the bog paper maker made the leap between AAA-list celebrity baby and tissue used to wipe human shit on. The limited edition arse wipe will show a stork carrying a baby, with the words 'Congratulations Brad and Angelina on the birth'. The name 'Shiloh' will be added above the brand name 'Nouvelle'.

If the news reaches the diamond studded higher echelons just below heaven, where superhumans like Brad and Angelina reside the couple will no doubt be moved to tears by such a wonderful gesture. Millions of Britains everywhere will be able to associate one of the most enjoyable daily past-times of having a really good shit with their new baby. And men who do a really big crap will also be able to empathise with Angelina and other women who have given birth. Although I would love parents like Brad and Angelina, who would ensure that failure in everything is always an option and work is something done by my servants, I would still rather be Madox. Because in a matter of years I could stare at Angelina when she was naked, try and take baths with her, film her and Brad shagging and probably convince her to breast feed me. Plus as there is no blood link like with Shiloh it wouldn't be incest. Everyone's a winner... except Brad who I would have to kill, but make it look like an accident.

Hopefully this brand will only be available in the UK so I can buy a load and sell it to novelty hungry Americans on Ebay. I could make a shit load. It'd be the Pitts if I didn't manage at least a small pile.