Blind People Won’t Be Able To See The World Cup

…despite the fact Germany has sold all 640 of tickets allocated for blind fans. Why? Because they're blind. However, they will be able to hear the match, or rather the bloke next to them burping. For the first time in World Cup history, 10 tickets for each of the 64 games have been set aside for blind fans. The seats are set up in groups of 5, with each group given their own live commentator. In a sport often shrouded in violence, obesity and armchair flatulence, this move by the German authorities marks a refreshingly forward-looking approach to modernising the game.

What concerns me are these commentators, can they really be trusted to follow the matches dispassionately? I’m sure it’d go well at first, with the commentator picking up on every pass and throw in, every flick and touch. But as soon as the game hotted up, they’d surely stop bothering. Patience and inclusion would give way to apathy and possibly rage, if their visually impaired audience kept hassling them for updates. A far more inappropriate solution would be to place deaf fans next to blind fans. That way blind fans couldn’t pester the deaf fans for updates even if they wanted to. If an incident did take place, deaf fans would have to communicate using physical violence.