Underground Foot Chomper Arrested

Feet. They’re often covered in dry skin, yellow nails and red abrasions. Joseph Weir from Brooklyn likes to lick them. The 23 year old was arrested after he ‘attacked’ a woman on the subway in Manhattan. In the handwritten deposition he gave to the police, he admitted he'd tongued the stinking feet of more than 70 women in the past three years.

What Weir calls ‘kiss, fondle’ and ‘lick’, the police are terming ‘forcible touching, sex abuse and unlawful imprisonment’. Just to clarify, the ‘imprisonment’ part alludes to his cuddly penchant for grabbing hold of women’s legs and 'not letting go'. When asked to recount a typical exchange with his victims, Weir explained:

“I get on my knees, bow, grab their feet, kiss them. I grab their hand and tell them ‘You’re so beautiful. I’m not worthy’.” He went on to say that his primary motivation was always to ‘get to know’ the women. The toe lover then frowned thoughtfully, cried a little bit, and remembered how they would often recoil in disgust at his salivary attempts to “taste and touch them”.

Joseph, a people person, flabbergasted reporters when he revealed that he was still living at home with his mum, dad and two sisters. The Weir family, who attended the press call wearing ski socks and fishing waders, are supporting Joseph. “I don’t mean to hurt no body” said Weir, who lost his job working for a ‘sightseeing company’. I imagine the exit interview went something like this:

“Jo”
“Yes”
“You’re a wrong ‘un aren’t you Jo?”
“Yes boss.”
“Jo”
“Yes”
“Pull down my trousers and suck it like it’s a big toe.”