Tortoise Back Home With Loved Ones

Horace the tortoise was returned to his loving family today after going missing for eight months. He was found wandering in a daze almost two miles from his home on the outskirts of Cardiff. Incrediby Horace had avoided the usual dangers of being run over by a car, eaten by a local or savaged by wild animals. Horace first went missing back in August last year. He had been allowed out to play in the backgarden by his owner. She turned her back for five minutes and Horace was gone - an incredible turn of speed considering he could n't do two miles in almost three quarters of a year, but allegedly true.

The family was overjoyed to get Horace back, who had been micro-chipped. The RSPCA officer who found him staggering around the middle of the nearby road scanned the little fellow and discovered where he lived. Tears of joy streaming down his hairy cheeks the do-gooder relayed how beautiful the reunion was. "Like Jesus being back with God probably..." he said before eating a fly.

But Horace, who has been with the family since he was very young, paints a very different picture to the domestic bliss portrayed by his owners: one of abuse and humiliation. Talking exclusively to Mooky.net Horace revealed life as it really is with the family. He told how he was often turned on his back at drunken, sex parties and left for hours with his little legs flapping in the air to the amusement of sick guests... How rocks were painted to look like female tortoises to trick him into performing lewd acts, which he alleges were secretly filmed by his owner and then circulated on the internet... The constant insults about how turtles were more fun... But what is probably at the route of Horace's decision to run away, was the way he felt unappreciated. "There was no love," Horace said, his small eyes filling with tears. "I thought that maybe if I ran away, they'd regret how they've treated me... but I was only two miles away so they can't have looked very hard, can they? I just don't see the point of carrying on..."

When asked where he'd been for the past eight months Horace said sharply "I don't want to talk about it." We later discovered that a tortoise matching Horace's description had been spotted touting rough trade on the road to Cardiff to lonely lorry drivers while off his wrinkled face on a combination of crack and special brew. When we left Horace begged us to take him with us. But frankly we found his presence quite depressing and a little unsavoury. His owner also seemed a convincing enough liar that we believed her over the little tortoise, when she said it was all nonsense. "Horace is very much a part of the family like the television or microwave." As the door of the happy home closed behind us we heard the banshee cry of a woman scorned followed by the plaintive cries that could only have come from Horace. Welcome home little tortoise man.