Toddler Escapes From Alcatraz

A seven year old boy has successfully swum the daring gauntlet of lukewarm, fluffy waters between Alcatraz and the San Francisco shore. It’s a journey that some of the world’s most dangerous criminals have attempted and failed, but Braxton Bilbrey wearing armbands and a swimming cap, completed the journey in under an hour. Sean Connery is the only other man said to have successfully completed the crossing after he went on the run from the FBI following a complex nuclear missile hostage situation.

Braxton was inspired to take on the 1.4km swim after reading about a 9 year-old, who did the same thing last October in under 2 hours. The 9 year-old, who can’t turn back time and redo it aged 6, is said to be seething with resentment and burning hate. Perhaps Braxton should team up with Marathon Boy. They could form a sort of underage triathlon team if they could get hold of a 2 year cyclist or anyone under the age of 10 - in fact anyone except for the 9 year old, he’s rubbish.