Tiny Man Stuck In Chimney

A 25 year-old homeless man spent the night stuck in a chimney in Hell’s Kitchen, New York yesterday. Despite weighing in at a jockey-friendly 8.5 stone, the 5ft 2’ titch got 'hemmed in' after passing through 4 storeys of soot and dead pigeon. In a genital-touchingly exciting escape from the police, Serafin Sanchez dived headfirst into the 1ft square chimney passage. “All you could see was eyeballs and teeth” said the local copper, rocking backwards and forwards with amusement.

The owner of the house, Dominique Singer, alerted the authorities after she heard his sickening whimpers 6 hours later. “He came straight down that chimney like Santa Claus” she squeaked. Her good humour was soon to turn to abstract rage. Glossing over the fact that she’d narrowly avoided rape and pillage at the hands of a homeless Ompah Lumpah, the FDNY demanded she shut off her boiler and get the chimney repaired within 16 days - or face a fine. With a repair bill topping $3,000, Singer is looking to line the inside of her chimney with razorblades and human shit.