Pissed Irish Pigs

There was cause for celebration in Northern Ireland today when it was announced that in the last five years only 57 police officers have been convicted for drink driving. Deputy Chief Constable Paul Leighton was said to be extremely proud of the news.

Northern Ireland, where Guiness falls from the sky like rain and whisky flows from all the taps like water, is generally in a state of hazy inebriation. The pigs who might get free drinks in exchange for turning a blurred eye to naughty things are allegedly some of the country's biggest drinkers.

Leighton who was pissed when we didn't speak to him said it was a fine result. The force's unique ability to close ranks, "lose charge sheets" and do favours for one another when the shit hit the fan was credited as the real cause for the resounding success.
"Of course there's thousands of officers pissed all the time," Leighton slurred, winking. "So 57 is an amazing... thing," he said to no-one in particular before falling down.