Penisless Man Kept In Suspense

It’s the age old story isn’t it? You sit down at your computer, rattle out a personal ad, put it out into the world and wait. A few days later the responses start to trickle through. Fat, thin, old, young; you name it, they’re all there. One or two of them really fit the bill. Hey this could actually work! After settling on that special person you make the call and plan a rendezvous. The door bell's ringing - they’ve arrived...

It’s going well; you’ve shared a bottle of wine, laughed at each other’s jokes and there's been oodles of playful touching. It’s time to take the plunge. You both lean in for the kiss. It’s so passionate. Could this be any more perfect?

“Where is it, where is it?” you huff as you rummage frantically through cupboards and drawers, desperate not to waste another second. “Ah, there it is”. After breathing a sigh of relief, you slowly head south, eager to start penetration. Stretching the man’s penis taut, you deftly lop it off with a knife and fling it into a frying pan.

As the two of you stand in kitchen side by side, you feel consumed by a great warmth as you gaze lovingly at the buttered knob that's sizzling and spitting in the pan. The warmth suddenly overwhelms the eunuch, who crumples to the floor, drenched in cock blood. What a shame he won’t be able to sit down with you and eat his own penis. Never mind, just lay him down gently, kiss him on the lips and slit his throat.

Misunderstood willy-eater Armin Meiwes is in court for the second time today to defend his 'consentual cannibalism’. The previous sentence of 8 years has now been deemed too brief by the German Supreme Court. Meiwes, who videotaped the whole adventure and kept souvenir schnitzel wraps of the victims body parts, is said to be ‘disappointed’. Rightly so. Footage from the feast showed Meiwes suspending his victim on a meat hook and musing: "The next one must be young but not so fat". Neighbouring prisoners are said to be 'clambering' over one another to share a cell with Meiwes, who's considered 'a good laugh'.