Monkey V Bears: Bears Win

Ah Dutchland... home of friendly cigarettes, clogs and ho's in cubicles. What better place to stage the ultimate fight - A whole pack of Sloth Bears versus a single Barbary macaque monkey? Spectators at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park 'Ooohed' and 'Aahhed' as the spectacle unfolded right before their lazy, bloodshot eyes.

The Barbary was initially 'in the lead', but in a hilariously unfortunate turn of events, leapt straight into an electric fence. Despite recovering admirably, the monkey, who then started hobbling off shaking his frazzled head, was rugby tackled to the ground by one of the bears. Seconds later bits of monkey were hanging off trees and children's faces. Witnesses joyously recollected how three of the bears then picked up doggy bag remains and took them back to a 'concrete den'.

Wiping Barbary testicles off of his eyebrows, a park attendant told the press: "In an area where Sloth bears, great apes and Barbary macaques have coexisted peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday." The attendant was later shot dead by rangers for 'stating the obvious' in such an officious and boring manner. In spite of the overwhelming popularity of the bear v monkey fight, the park has now made plans to move the animals to seperate ends of the park.