Lobsters Nobble Thief

A young thief, probably stealing to feed his smack addiction, literally came undone when he tried stealing two live lobsters from a supermarket in Bristol. Having already taken everything of value from his grandmother's council flat, from glass ornaments to hand-sewn doillies, the crim was forced go out on the rob. He considered nicking felt tip pens and staplers from John Menzies, but realised that the real money was in lobsters. The man strode into the supermarket, grabbed two live ones and shoved them down the front of his trousers in a pathetic attempt to conceal his crime. But within seconds he was on his arse, crying like a baby and calling for his mummy.

The lobsters had gone to work on his genital area and delivered the 24 year old a vasectomy. The thief is now recovering in hospital where he is expected to stay for the next month or so. Although he will be able to do it again, his chances of being a father are slim. Although as one enlightened bigot commented "a 24 year old on the rob in Bristol is probably a grandfather by now anyways. And based on genetic science it's a blessing that the stealing chav scum can't breed. The last thing this country needs is more of his kind." The supermarket manager decided not to press charges, stating that the young man had suffered enough. He thinks the experience will reform the young man and set him on the straight and narrow.

The lobsters were unavailable for comment, having been sold and eaten soon after the incident. When mooky.net asked the store manager if it was possible that the people who ate them might also have inadvertently eaten a bit of thief bollock we were told to sod off before the supermarket rent-a-cop threw us out.