Kit Kat Cunt

14 rejects will enter the Big Chudder house tonight. As far as they know, that's their lot. But we know better...

In a move so dastardly it could have been formulated by a total dick, one unsuspecting member of the public now has the opportunity to get into that house of horrors, Big Chudder. From Friday (tomorrow) you could buy a kitkat, open it and if you find 1 of 100 golden tickets you could then win a place in the house in a live prize draw. This comes as great news to old people, children under 16, and normal members of society everywhere who would love nothing more than spending months locked in with a bunch of weirdos and suggests the whole bollocks is a rigged marketing ploy for Kitkat. I guess we'll know for sure when the golden ticket winner turns out to be in their early twenties, attractive, trisexual with previous modelling contracts.

I hope I win, which is why I'm off now to start opening kitkats in shops everywhere without actually buying them. I will especially be targeting small independent retailers who can do without the grief. I believe the phrase 'no purchase necessary' will stand me in good stead as I go about this. Then when I've won I will piss all over my fellow housemates and defecate on Davina's big nose.