Inefficient Suicide Attempt Unacceptable

A 47 year old German is being taken to court by the Munich Authorities for ‘damages’, after he failed to commit suicide. The manically depressed, sauerkraut-chomping tinker launched himself into a fast moving train hoping that the sheer impact would kill him. Unfortunately Herr Whatever had failed to account for his leopard like leaping skills. Like a bionic ninja, the majestic dive sent him careering through the side window and straight into the driver’s cabin. The man reportedly suffered only ‘slight head wounds’ from the crash. The window is said to be ‘dead’.

The jumper has since been taken to court ‘for reasons of equity’, with the authorities demanding 4,200 euros to pay for ‘part of the damage’. There was raucous laughter in the court room as all eyes turned to the dastardly diver, who wept pathetically as he hurriedly crushed 42 sleeping pills into a fine powder.

The train driver, who’s still in trauma, told a local newspaper: “well he’s a fucking fare dodger innit. Put me right off me 11 o’clock wank.”