How To Skip Prison

A 52 year old prison ‘laundry coordinator’ has taken time out from bleaching semen stains out of bed sheets, to come up with the exercise machine of the future. Lester Clancy has taken the ‘ordinary’ skipping rope and removed the rope. He plans to market this cordless skipping rope as a fitness product that doesn’t penalize the clumsy. Without pesky ropes to trip up cack-handed skippers, the now patented invention is set to fly off the shelves faster than half price tampons.

Lester’s cordless skipping rope will also be ideal for the health conscious con because cordless skipping simply 'don’t give you enough rope to hang yourself with’. We all know that jailbirds love a bit of suicide and murder. In the past ‘conventional’ skipping ropes acted as makeshift nooses and garroting wire, making it all too easy to ‘off’ that newbie, or avoid getting bummed by ooh, say killing yourself. These problems are a distant dream with Clancy’s cordless device. At best crims can bludgeon each other to death with its weighted handles, but that’s as far as it could go. Sadly Clancy is yet to get financial backing - perhaps in the meantime he could barter his device to fellow inmates for spare buttons and crack.