Forget MILF. Try PILF

Mum’s you’d like to fuck are so 1999. Move over fertile sprog producers and make way for the flaccid and dry holed – it’s the golden age of pensioners! A poll by Virgin Money has revealed that Sean Connery and Helen Mirren are the sexiest pensioners in Britain. Mirren who's 92 and hasn’t worn clothes for 60 years now, was thrilled by the news: “I get my flappy boobs and muff trumpet out at every opportunity, but I really didn’t think anyone had noticed!”

Connery was less enthusiastic. Taking time out from pummelling his ex wife in the face with a crowbar, he mused: “Hoo tha hull did that wee turd with the saggy face get a huld of Catherine Zeta Jones? Aye’d gut to hur furst in that shite film wiv all the lasery things. If ay ever see that wee burn again ay’ll giv hur what for.”

At the other end of the scale were Margaret Thatcher and Esther Rantzen, who came joint bottom in the poll. Thatcher’s continued voice training has left her voice so low that only whales could hear her comment, so daughter Carol answered by dancing a jig and clapping maniacally. When interviewed, Rantzen reportedly whispered - while opening her veins in the bathtub - "I'm sooo lonel..." [thump]