Dolphin Dave

A bunch of Scots trying to pass themselves off as scientists today revealed that dolphins communicate like people using their own names. The tartan eggheads from St Andrew's University (probably one of those former polytechnics posing as a place of higher learning) reckon the dolphins also see one another as individual entities, with different behavioural traits and stuff. Dr Vincent Janik, who is not a proper doctor and probably not scottish either, was one of the blokes involved in the excuse for a three year piss-up in Florida where the "study" took place. When the poly threatened to pull their funding the group, who had achieved bugger all for two years and eleven months, panicked.

"We captured wild dolphins using nets when they came near the shore," Janik said laughing evilly, "then we interrogated them mercilessly using advanced torture techniques. Finally one of the bottlenose twats cracked. He told us enough for us to justify the past three years of sunning our white asses and drinking watered down beer."

But what exactly did the poor dolphin tell the evil doctor?

"That they have names for each other... it means that these animals have evolved the same abilities as humans. Now we know they have labels for each other like we do."

Presumably then dolphins also call each other things like shitter, cunt, bastard, bitch and mate. And no doubt some dolphins are hated, loathed or ignored as miserable wankers. Perhaps some dolphins even swim the long way round to avoid an awkward social engagement with a dolphin they really have nothing to say to. And of course these mammals no doubt bitch and backstab one another constantly as us humans do... usually in an office kitchen, smoking area or bar environment. From Mooky.net's point of view though this news is dissappointing. Dolphins are constantly hyped as being more intelligent than humans. The least we expect is that they know each other's fucking names.