Chantelle

Chantelle, the flea ridden skank, who won the loathsome excuse for a television programme "Celebrity" Big Brother has signed a deal for her life story. The stupid cunt, who was lobotimised at birth, tragically entered our view after appearing on the rancid filth that sadly keeps loud-mouth bore Davina McCall's career alive. The deal is worth £300,000 and comes from Random House of Idiots Publishing.

The three questions, which have yet to be answered are:

1. Why the fuck would anyone care what's happened in the silly bitch's uneventful and highly offensive life?

2. Which genius thought it was worth £300,000?

3. And as the cow is only 22 what will the book actually include?

Although her name will be on the cover, Chantelle herself cannot read or write. With a head full of sawdust she struggles to remember her own name. But unfortunately "celebrity" books seem to be where we are these days so we thought we'd have a stab at the content. Although we'd obviously rather stab her.

She had a passing career as a Paris Hilton lookalike. Probably because she's white, blonde and pig shit thick. That'll be one chapter. She had a failed career as a model. Probably because she is ugly, has a moustache, which is still very evident in spite of the industrial bleach she applies and crap tits. Two chapters.
She was on the Muppet Show, or Celebrity Big Brother as its officially known. Most of the chapters. She is being balled by a barely famous mockney wanker who has one sqinty eye and dresses like he's been kitted out by Oxfam circa 1970. The rest of the chapters.

No doubt the book will include vomit inducing pictures of the ridiculous slit eyed freak inanely smiling, with Preston hovering sheepishly in the background wondering if it's too late to call the whole thing off... once the cheques from OK, Closer and Heat have cleared of course.

The biggest concern raised by the continued presence of this vacuous clown though is that the UK is so lacking in talent, so devoid of culture, that as a nation we not only want more Chantelle, but have nothing better to offer. Sadly this means that her career, and the wretched bitch herself, might persist for years to come like a pus ridden tumor.