Bloke Buys Kids

Single millionaire Ian Mucklejohn decided he wanted children in his life without the hassle of having a woman. So he slipped off to the US, found a couple of willing freaks, who could be easily bought, and got the ball rolling. A combination of his sperm, one surgically enhanced blonde's eggs, and some rough mule to carry the kids to term - and before you can say 'illegal practice in Britain' - Ian had triplets. At a total cost of £50,000 each kid cost about £16,500 in hard currency.

Ian said he could have just found any old bird to knock up in the UK, but felt going overseas and paying women to spawn his mini-me's was far more ethical and morally justifiable. The triplets are now five years old. Ian is adamant they don't need a mother in their lives. "I can be both their mum and dad," he said wearing a dress and fake breasts. "I am the anchor in their lives. That's not to say having a mother isn't a great thing, but as long as I am doing my best by them I don't think they are missing out. I knew I could combine both genders, and do constantly with the boys. I give them lots of cuddles and then play football in the garden with them."

But Ian didn't get rich enough to buy children without being a realist. He took them over to the US recently so they could check out how and where they were created. They also got to meet the women who made them. The egg donor was indifferent, but available for future work. The woman who carried them sobbed her fat eyes out in an overly-sentimental way, screamed for her babies and had to be calmed with candy. As for the kids? According to Ian, who has already made back his £50 grand by writing a book about the whole affair, they didn't have much interest in the women before and don't now. Clever, little buggers know who's got the money.