Beethoven's Hairy Jewels

A company in Chicago have just announced that they're going to forge a diamond made from Beethoven's hair. LifeGem Memorials have been making diamonds out of corpses since way back in 2002 and now they've found a way to create diamonds out of hair. The first participant in this worthwhile and non-creepy process is Ludwig van Beethoven. A complete psychopath man called John Reznikoff posesses several locks of Luddy's hair and has agreed to rummage through reams of dismembered body parts, phlegm and goblin faeces to find them 10 strands.

Using an incredibly dull process that involves carbon bonding and 'intense pressure and heat', the 10 hairs can be made into three diamonds. LifeGem plan to take these diamonds on a tour of opera houses and musuems around the world, before they're ruthlessly pawned off at auction. Beethoven was asked to comment but couldn't hear the question because he was dead. It's funny really because even if he'd been alive he wouldn't have been able to hear the question. What a bloody waste of time that would have been.