John Prescott: Simply Red

We've all had time for a self-tickle over news that John Prescott's been DP-ing his frumpretary. Even more exciting, and possibly more arousing, was a recent radio interview he took part in on Bristol Community Station, Radio 19.

Typically thought of as a coal-faced Yorkshire peasant smeared in faeces and dressed in Polyester, Prescott was actually the son of Welsh railwayman. In fact his folks were deemed so 'normal' that they won £1,000 for being the "most typical British family of 1951".

The interview revealed that 'normal' Prescott has "got an ipod" and enjoys "watching films". Clearly a complex fusion of masculinity and sensitivity, two chuds' favourites include Strange Fruit by Billie Holiday and Fairground by Simply Red. The foreign film Billy Elliott, even "made me cry!" says John. But what about a film version of his life? Apparently his part would be best played by "a young Marlon Brando" - specifically not Hugh Grant. Yes, quite right John, although I would have picked Pacino myself, or maybe even Susan Sarandon.