November 10, 2006

Ross Kemp On Cheese

He’s successfully married David Attenborough’s rasping exuberance to Jeremy Clarkson’s know-all inflection… His pregnant pauses ooze spunk…

This is a man who knows his gangs. If there’s a gang, Ross knows about it. Why? Because he’s ‘on’ gangs. That’s just what he ‘does’. Ross Kemp in ‘on’ gangs just as cheese is ‘on’ crackers.

And Ross Kemp is ‘on’ cheese too. Ross gangs is ‘on’ Kemp, ‘on’ gangs, ‘on’ Ross AND ‘on’ Cheese gangs. If you haven’t seen him ‘piece to camera’ his way through this life affirming documentary, you are depriving your SOUL. ‘Gangs on Ross on Cheese’ IS sex rubbed in liquid serotonin and drizzled over warm cheese.

July 31, 2006

The Kids Are Alright

According to a new survey of Britain's young people. Although seeing as a third of them would've been pissed or drugged up at the time, it's not surprising they seemed relaxed. Apparently 33% of the little bastards spend their school days blissfully off their faces.

The survey was commissioned by MTV, which has always been a bastion of proper moral conduct among the young, and 1118 young men and women were asked their opinions about stuff. So thanks to them we now know that about half of 16 to 19 year olds are also up to their eyes in debt and think the death sentence should be brought back for 'serious crimes'. Presumably 'serious' discounts any of the crap they'll be pulling at the moment or in the near future.

Ironically in spite of being out of their trees on cocktails of booze, drugs and household cleaning products the kids still expect to live to 82 years of age. And the permanent illegal substance induced haze did little to limit the boys' prejudice either. 60% still feel 'uncomfortable' with same sex marriages. 'Uncomfortable' is presumably MTV's word. 'Sickening', 'disgusting', 'it's just wrong, innit' were more likely the boys' answers. But its not all bad news. With 65% labelling reality TV stars as desperate perhaps there's hope for the little fuckers yet.

July 21, 2006

Dodgy Beans Cost Tescos £25K

Supermarket giant Tescos has been successfully sued by 8 people it poisoned with some dodgy cafe breakfasts. 6 of the munchers were punters while the other 2 were staff sneaking a free meal.

Tests showed the breakfasts contained cleaning products used to wash the pans the food was prepared in. According to one victim the first couple of mouthfuls caused a burning sensation almost straightaway. Whether this stopped the individual eating the rest of their breakfast is not known. Other symptoms included severe vomiting, diarrhoea and mouth ulcers.

Herefordshire Magistrates court ruled in favour of the injured parties awarding £10,000 compensation and £15,000 costs. A total amount that will no doubt cripple the chain financially.

The poisoning took place at Tescos store in Belmont, Herefordshire. Knowing the area well this reporter can picture the customers all too vividly. The supermarket is a short waddle from the wannabe city's Newton Farm - an area dominated by council estates. The ruling no doubt motivated the plaintiffs to buy a carton of filtered cigarettes, a couple of bottles of Cava and pick up some brochures from Going Places.

The money will no doubt be used to inflict more pain on the Spanish as whole families of catastrophic proportions head for ten days in the sun. Cue fat sunburnt scum parading around in union jack emblazoned clothes, patronising locals, drinking copious amounts, screaming at off-spring and complaining about the lack of english cuisine.

I bought a toaster from Tescos once. It caused a fire in my house, gutted the kitchen and living room and nearly killed my girlfriend. And what did I get? Fuck all! Tell me, where's the justice in that?

July 17, 2006

Bush Likes Blair's Sweater

US President George Bush and UK Prime Minister Tony Blair had more important things than Israel and ending poverty to discuss at the G8 summit in Petersburg today. The two men, who are well known for their 'special friendship', were instead taking the opportunity to catch up.

George enthusiastically shouted out "Yo, Blair!" across the room when Tony arrived before gesturing wildly for his friend to come and sit next to him. "I saved you a seat, buddy!"

No sooner had Tony settled himself down than George revealed he couldn't really be bothered with the whole summit thing. Smirking he turned to his mate and said he would keep his speech short. "Some of these guys talk too long. Gotta go home. Got something to do tonight."

"Yeah," Tony replied. "My speech is going to take... one minute... if that... I didn't even bother doing one."
Bush seemed mildly impressed by Tony's bravado. And as the other ministers addressed their fellow world leaders the two spent most of the time making each other laugh, drawing cartoons of the other delegates and smirking about rude words like fanny. Bush was also reported to have cleared his throat constantly throughout one of the other delegate's addresses while Blair was said to be coughing 'wanker' on several occasions. As the day wore on though the two settled down to talk about more serious matters.

"Thanks for the sweater. It was awfully thoughtful of you," Bush stuttered.
"It's a pleasure," Blair replied turning a little red and wringing his hands together.
"I know you picked it out yourself," George said staring at his feet.
"Oh... absolutely," Tony said.

At this point it seemed the two might become even closer, but the Russian Premier Putin who had been eavesdropping the whole time burst out laughing.

"That guy is so dead,"
George said angrily. "You're so dead, you commie scum!"
"Yeah," Blair added. "Nuke his arse, Georgie!"

When asked later what the best way to end the hostilities between Lebanon and Israel was however, Bush showed that he was still the articulate statesman we know him to be: "You see, the... thing is what they need to do is to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over."

Allegations that Blair and Bush were later seen urinating and gobbing into Putin's soup remain unfounded.

July 10, 2006

Materazzi Probably A Big Racist

So, what did Italian defender Materazzi say to football God Zidane to make him charge headfirst into his chest? Well, French anti-racism group SOS Racism had the following to say:

"According to several very well informed sources from the world of football, it would seem that the Italian player Marco Materazzi called Zinedine Zidane a 'dirty terrorist'."

And what does Materazzi have to say? "It is absolutely not true, I did not call him a terrorist. I'm ignorant. I don't even know what the word means."

It’s a tricky one. I want to believe Materazzi, but unless he’s been locked in a bunker for the last 5 years I find it hard to believe he hasn’t heard the word “terrorist” before. A bit of digging also brings to the surface an incident which took place last year, one which perhaps indicates that the Inter Milan defender isn't exactly chomping at the bit to stamp out racism.

On November 29th, Inter Milan played Messina in Sicily. After an hour of deafening racist abuse from opposition fans, Messina defender Marc Zoro (from the Ivory Coast) had had enough. He picked up the ball and made towards the officials. Inter players Adriano and Obafemi Martins ran over to intercept him and according to Zoro were “very kind”, telling him “not to let it provoke” him. One player was less helpful...

Materazzi allegedly shouted: “stop that, Zoro, you’re just trying to make a name for yourself”. Zoro “didn’t... argue with him” saying “I’ve no intention of lowering myself to that level.”

Bearing in mind that these pictures also make him look a bit racist, I think it's fair to conclude that he's a big turd. As such Materazzi should be punished. Suggestions welcome. Something involving his chest, a tireless man with a bionic head... and maybe an ice pick would be good.

July 07, 2006

Two Chuds Set To Stay

John Two Chuds Chuddy Prescott announced he is determined to hold on to his 'job' today in spite of the fact that everyone in the country wants him out and all the other politicians hate him. Latest calls for his resignation came after he was accused of acting inappropriately by hanging out with billionaire cowboy Philip Anschutz at his ranch in America. The US businessman wants to buy the millenium dome and turn it into a casino. Allegations that Phil took Two Chuds to a titty bar and fed him whole barbequed cows have not been founded.

In spite of this recent negative publicity us folk at continue to offer the part-time Deputy PM our full support. Any politician who physically assualts the electorate; clearly enjoys fine dining and binge drinking; bangs his secretary in his office; and generally pisses about playing croquet when he should be working, gets our vote. With an obscene salary, license to do what he wants and when, a house as fat as he is and a whole department he can send out for ale, pies and ale pies what's the incentive is there for old Two Chuds to quit anyway?

Fortunately Prime Minister Tony Blair doesn't give a chud about the democratic process or what the public want. After all, it's not like they elected him to office. At least the majority of the population didn't! So thankfully Two Chuds is holding on to his job. Without him this country would be in a sorry state. Luckily it seems nothing will get him out though. Not even a Conservative win at the next election! The tories would probably just work around him. So until he dies, old fatty fatty Two Chuds is here to stay. Hooray!

July 05, 2006

Albino Police Horse Can't Sunbathe

Humberside police horse Blue is reported to be very upset this morning after senior officers ordered him to stop sunbathing. Blue is an albino and unable to enjoy the recent heatwave like fellow police horses for fear he will be reduced to a pile of ashes by the unrelenting power of the sun. Indeed Blue can't even step out of his stable to chase criminals before he's had 30 bottles of sun tan lotion slapped on him.

A number of fellow officers have been criticised for being mean to Blue. They nicknamed the horse 'Sunny' - a blatant mockery of his freak condition. But in spite of other officers being concerned about his condition Humberside police weren't arsed enough to blow tax payers' cash on Blue's sun tan lotion. Instead they posted an appeal on their website and waited until they got 50 gallons off a local chemist's for free.

"We have been so worried about Sunny, especially now the temperature is soaring," lied PC Claire Doherty of Humberside Mounted Police, as she reclined on a sun lounger soaking up the rays and enjoying a cocktail.

When we finally caught up with Blue covered in congealed sun tan lotion and trying to stay in the shadows of his stable like a frightened vampire, he had a very different story to tell:

"I haven't seen all of the sun tan lotion," he told us. "Some of the other officers have been helping themselves to it, I'm sure. Which is just wrong. Its like taking medicine from a sick person."

Blue then burst into tears and muttered something about how he wished he'd been born normal like the other horses. We gave him a couple of sugar cubes and left him to his self-indulgent snivelling before peeling off and getting a bit of sun on our corpse white bodies.

June 30, 2006

Bears Love The Sunshine State

Bears have been flocking to California in their thousands, according to someone there who might know. Apparently the bear population is at all time high. Some experts argue competitive house prices, growing local job market and all year round good weather have been key factors in attracting the grizzlies. Patrick Foy, biologist and spokesman for the California Department of Fish and Game, spends most of his day staring at the new arrivals much to their annoyance. Patrick believes "Recent years have created better bear habitat."

But not every Californian is over the moon about their new neighbours. Debbie Yates is one deeply disgruntled local who recently experienced a less than pleasant run-in with one of the out of town bears. Debbie had been on her way out when she heard commotion in the kitchen. At first she thought it was the family cats twatting stuff off the kitchen counter. Debbie was getting ready to teach the pets a lesson they wouldn't forget when she received the shock of a lifetime.

"I came around the corner and into the kitchen and instead of seeing two cats on the counter I saw a big, brown bear, a third of the way coming in through the kitchen window," Debbie recalled as she relived the fearful nightmare. Apparently the bear was wearing a face-mask and carrying a sports bag, presumably to stash any valuables in. Debbie had no doubt the bear had come to rob her family's home, but in spite of her fear she didn't hesitate to tackle the intruder. "My instincts kicked in and I raised my hands and yelled, 'Get out! Get out!' And lucky for me, it did!"

Although many of the bears are believed to be peaceful, law abiding citizens there is a growing undercurrent of ill-feeling amongst native Californians. Increasingly bears are associated with 21st century street crimes involving drugs, guns, crack, whores, crack-whores and property. Many Californians are convinced that within a couple of years the pleasant neighbourhoods they have come to call home will become bear ghettos, where ordinary decent people fear to go.

Pissed Pelicans Picked Up

Residents of Laguna Beach, Los Angeles, were left reeling after four drunk pelicans wreaked havoc at the coastal resort. The birds had been drinking heavily on the beach from about eleven o'clock Saturday morning, but were forced to head into town when the booze ran out. As they staggered through the traffic, reeling from one lane to the next, one of the four crashed headlong into a car, smashing the vehicle's windscreen. One onlooker said the three other pelicans were all over the place and seemed oblivious that they had left one of their own behind.

The incident with the car spurred assistant wildlife director Lisa Birkle to issue a warning to the public to be on the lookout for birds acting "drunk, disoriented or being in an unusual place." A number of birds who had been getting pissed in a more socially acceptable way were frog-marched to the local police station, but the pelicans in question remained at large. It was not until the early hours of Sunday morning when the pelicans were eventually tracked down. The birds were found trying to buy kebabs, still extremely drunk.

They were taken down town and thrown into a cell where they were left to dry out. Speaking to them the morning after, the pelicans remained adamant they had done nothing wrong. "America used to be a great nation," the least hungover bird told us. "But Bush has turned it into some sort of police state. I'd like to know what's so wrong with a working bird and some of his pals knocking back a few drinks, anyways..."

We did point out that the pelican who crashed into the car had shaken the driver up pretty badly, but only received a garbled reply about "what the guy could do with his car" before being asked if we had anything to drink on us. The pelican who had crashed into the car suffered internal injuries and a gash to his beak. It is not yet known if the pelicans will be formally charged or not.

June 28, 2006

Pool Not Cool In Uganda

Kampala to be precise. It’s now illegal to play pool during the day in Uganda’s capital city. The metropolitan chief of police Grace Turyagumanawe claimed that the game has become inextricably linked with young delinquents drinking ‘illegal spirits’ and smoking 'drugs'. She told Ugandan national The Daily Monitor that: "They also use this as a meeting place to make plans of robbing people of their property at night… We are not banning the sport, but we are stopping people from playing it during the day."

I can definitely see the logic. Pool tables must be brilliant criminal rendezvous points. For one thing they're easy to hide under; they're also impossible to see near trees. The next logical step would be to ban toilets. All criminals use them, I've seen it myself. Perhaps they could ban people as well, they're always up to no good.